By: Phil Strawn
Pictured for your educational pleasure is a sweet little dog with a strange name. “Graphon Chardonnay” is what’s known in 2020 as a “Hipster Companion Service Dog.” I’m sure little Graphon would rather be out pissing on trees and digging holes in flower beds than wearing a beard and leather jacket. Dogs look odd in human clothing, and they look alien when they sport the same beard as their owner.
While strolling the “hot new neighborhood” on West 7th street a few weeks ago, my wife and I stopped at a small outdoor café for lunch. It was one of those sunny February days where it wants to be pleasant, but you still need a coat if you dine outside. A teaser day, we Texans call it.
A nice-looking couple sat down next to us with their small dog. They were dressed in expensive “Fort Worth Hip” to the tee. The young man had a formidable beard, a ” Stallone” pork pie hat, Ray-Ban sunglasses, and skinny jeans. The woman was dressed similarly but without facial hair. These aren’t your poor retro-hippies, these Kats have a dough, good jobs in IT, and live in an expensive high-rise overlooking the Trinity River. They most likely drive a Tesla or a hybrid Beemer.
The two diners immediately immersed themselves in their Apple I iPhones. Hipsters are required to use Apple products only: Sorry Samsung and HTC.
I felt sorry for the little pooch, he didn’t have a phone of his own or even a bowl of water, so I asked a kind waitstaff to bring the wee fellow a dog bowl of H2O. When his bowl of water arrived, the man gasped and removed the water dish before the parched dog could catch a drink.
” Graphon does not drink regular water” he shrieked. ” He’s chlorine intolerant.”
Of course, I apologized for not knowing the dog was allergic to water, so I asked his father, what does Graphon drink?
The young woman looked up from her I IPhone and smugly replied “Graphon Chardonnay drinks only Starbucks decaffeinated coffee, “Chateau La Pew” white wine and natural spring water from Tibet. He is also vegan and has an IQ of 165.” Well, holy hot shit, I am impressed that this furball with two names is smarter than most of us humans; myself included.
I had already figured out these two were vegans, so when our juicy hamburgers arrived, we made a big deal of our meal, loudly commenting on every greasy bite we took. The two gave us the ” hope you die” look.
In my meat-eating frenzy, I accidentally knocked a French fry off my plate. The little genius, Graphon, caught it before it hit the ground and gobbled it down. His father screamed, grabbed the dog, and began the “Heimlich maneuver ” until the dog coughed up the slimy fry.
” That fry is cooked in animal fats, are you trying to murder my dog! Graphon could die if he ingests anything other than his special veggies” he shouted. The woman was crying and having a small breakdown after witnessing her vegan dog eating the evil French fry.
The young couple was so traumatized, they took little Graphon Chardonnay and departed the patio. I got the last laugh. I slipped the pooch a nice bite of my burger while they weren’t looking. I’m pretty sure he is going to have some righteous gas.