“Millennial Education”

Portland Oregon School System – Breaking News!

Portland Oregon Superintendent of Schools, Hillary Khloe Octavio Sunbeam, said Monday in a news conference that the Common Core curriculum currently taught in all Portland public schools will be suspended immediately.

In place of traditional teaching methods that have been used for the past 100 plus years, millennial students will now be able to answer test questions based on their feelings at the time of the test. Homework will not be required in an effort to reduce the “triggering ” effect brought on by the stress of answering questions and actually using their brain for anything other than social media post.

History, English, and Mathematics are to be Google based. All answers will be available on-line.

Superintendent Sunbeam gave the press an example of the new teaching method. Using a ” presentation board of “no color” as to not offend children of color, she posed a typical math question that has been know to cause severe reactions in middle school students.

The sample test question is; ” If a group of rioters left city hall in Portland at 3 PM and walked at 5 miles per hour toward Seattle, and a caravan of migrants from Honduras crossed the Mexican border and walked at 3 miles per hour headed to the Texas border, how long would it take each group to reach their destination?”

Acceptable answers would be; ” I’m offended,” That’s a trigger word,” ” large groups scare me,” ” I need a latte,” ” I am afraid I might see a statue,” and “where-is my trophy.”

Dr. Seamus Scaramouche of the “Institute of Millenial Behavior” says, “most of these young people don’t need an education anymore. They get everything from their smartphones and social media.”

” Bring Out Your Ballot’s”

MINNEAPOLIS, MNā€”Ilhan Omar is once again being accused of violating campaign ethics laws after she was spotted driving a giant industrial ballot harvester through her district near downtown Minneapolis.

On loan from the DNC, the state-of-the-art John Deere converted wheat harvester can harvest over 200 bushels of votes per hour, allowing candidates to gather enough votes to cheat an opponent out of an election. And best of all, every ballot is 100% home-grown, locally sourced, and organic.

“Ballots! Bring out your ballots!” Omar called through a bull-horn, prompting citizens to throw their ballots out in front of the machine for easy pickup by her campaign machine. The Minneapolis residents are compensated handsomely for their ripe, delicious votes.
After completing her run through the city, Omar emptied the harvester and took it for a spin through a local cemetery.

During her lunch break, a local television news reporter caught up with her and came away with her statement, “It’s not much, but it’s honest work,” she said. “Well, it’s not honest work. But if you say that, you’re a racist.” AOC has made arrangements to borrow the ballot harvester from Omar next week.

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