Notes From The Cactus Patch

Tall Tales and Ripping Yarns from Texas

Archive for the day “October 7, 2020”

“Fancy Nancy”


San Francisco CA – The Dead South News Service

Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream announced today that they will be partnering with Speaker Of The House Nancy Pelosi to produce a line of outrageously priced Boutique Ice Cream Freezers. The units, called “Nancy’s Fancy” will be sold in select markets on the West and East coast. Target cities of San Francisco, Los Angeles, Portland, Seattle, New York, Philadelphia, Boston and Washington DC will be the main markets because they are considered leftist socialist strongholds. The South and Midwest will not be considered for obvious reasons.

The freezers, produced in Communist China by the Wu-Han Appliance Cooperative and Viral Laboratory will feature all stainless steel construction and state of the art electronics. Each unit will be assembled by young children in a guarded factory compound, and will come equipped with a 20 inch LED touch screen TV that will play Ms. Pelosi’s latest mumblings and accusations when the door’s are opened.

To ensure the product launch is a success, Ben and Jerry’s will offer a full year worth of their “ice-cream of the month” delivered by “Amazon Drone Force” to your front porch or somewhere in your general vicinity every week.

When asked if the profits and some of the product from the venture will be donated to the homeless population in her district, Ms. Pelosi said, ” Hell no! that’s my money. What would a vagrant do with money, or ice-cream.”

“A New Doorbell”


As reported by Phil Strawn and The Dead South News Agency

The Ring Doorbell Company will release it’s newest product in December 2020, just in time for Christmas. The new camera-enabled doorbell will come equipped with recorded messages that can put an end to annoying people at your door.

William Ringfinger, head engineer for the Ring Corporation, says, ” AI has enabled us to equip this unit with the ability to deter unwanted solicitors such as; Church Ladies, Morman Missionaries, Jehovahs Witness, Salesman, Relatives and anyone you don’t want to deal with.” When engaged, the doorbell scans the offender with face recognition software and immediately starts intimidating them with outrages questions and insults. After 5 minutes, if the unwanted visitor is still there and arguing with the doorbell, a small amount of pepper spray will shoot from the unit, causing extreme discomfort. If the pepper spray doesn’t work, for an additional $300.00 charge, a 500 pound, ceiling-mounted Acme anvil will be dropped on the visitor resulting in instant death.”

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