At 73 years of age, I still have all my hair. Not only is it all in place, but it’s also solid white, luxurious, and flowing. I use a secret shampoo from ” Dr. Squatch,” a medicinal shaman that lives in a remote mountain cabin above Colorado Springs. I have men, women, and barbers stop me on the street and comment on my massive amount of follicles. My wife says I have ” TV Preacher Hiar,” which brings me to this idea.
Since my rock band disbanded in 2019, I have missed playing music. A few nights ago, at a birthday party for our former drummer, Jordan, who turned 75, I approached the idea of making music again with him and our former bass player and singer, Danny, who is 77. Our good friend and guitar player, John, passed away a few years ago, but I’m confident he would be all in if he were with us.
They were mildly interested until I told them my idea involved playing on the sidewalks around our historic Granbury town square. The proper English term is “Busking,” which consists in playing and singing for money thrown into a jar, a bucket, or an open guitar case. They looked at me as if a third eye was growing in my forehead. I then dropped the bomb on them; I am becoming a man of the cloth, a pastor, a preacher, a sidewalk hawker for the almighty. It’s so easy; I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before. My quirky sense of humor, skill as an orator, and perfect hair assure success in this endeavor.
Go online, send in your nominal fee, and receive a certified, stamped, and legal document, suitable for framing, that says you can perform weddings, funerals, and divorces, bless barroom fights, bless meals for family and strangers in restaurants, give pastorly advice, and heal people’s medical maladies. I am awaiting my credentials which should arrive any day now. My two friends and former bandmates have not returned my calls, but then at their age, they may have forgotten the conversation. I will send them a text and an email as a reminder.
Combine my TV preacher hair and my pastorly presence with our three-piece musical trio, and we should be able to draw a sizable crowd and make some nice donations for my mobile church, which I plan to christen; “The Church of The What’s Happening Now.” All proceeds will go to the “Mission Granbury” food bank and “Friends of Animals.”
Being a Christian, which I am, is advisable. But, if you’re going to spread the word of God, you had better believe what you are spouting. Atheists, Agnostics, and liberals would never make a good street preacher; they would be struck by a bolt of lightning from above and charred to a crisp right there on the sidewalk. God doesn’t watch CNN or The View.
I have better hair than any of those preachers on the TV set, so I should do quite well if my wife lets me out of the house and I can find my car keys and guitar, which I suspect she has hidden with relatives.
Notes From The Cactus Patch 
What’s Happening Now is a great name. Maybe you could convince the Mrs. to play tamborine for you.
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She plays a mean tambourine and keyboard. She also knows more about the bible than most preachers. We might could be a duo. Thanks for the comment, Herb.
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I’ve been waiting for warmer Southern Nevada weather before having a friend of mine take some photos of me down at Techatticup (aka Nelson Ghost Town) in Eldorado Canyon. One (or more) of the photos will be posted on a website under development by me and my songwriting partner. He’s the composer; I’m the lyricist. Anyway, I’ve always had a 70’s style haircut and a mustache. But since my hairstyle doesn’t fit the style of music that the Old Timers Song Factory espouses (music from the 1930’s through the 1950’s), I’ll be stuffing my bushy hair (which, at age 69, still has some color in it) up inside a black cowboy hat (the look will be completed by a western-style revolver, a snap front western shirt, a guitar-themed Bolo tie, and a large American flag belt buckle attached to my Boot Barn belt). Anyway, a few weeks ago, I ran out of blades. By the time I finally got around to buying some, my beard had grown a bit. I decided to spare my chin for the photo shoot. So now, I have a Van Dyke that looks like yours (except that I shaved my bottom lip). So that is what’s happening now. It’s all true. No Fake News!
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Dig your limericks on your site. Lyrics to match music are elusive, of course if your Lennon and McCartny, they fall out of you. Yeah, I shaved a bit also, I now resemble either old Colonel Sanders or General Custer. Back in the 90s, I spent nearly two years in Henderson as a PM building auto dealerships. Loved the winters, but couldn’t take the summers. Seems us old guys are reverting back to retro attire and looks. Down here in Texas, we all wear western duds. The Stock Show and Rodeo is in town now so feveyone looks like Junior Bonner. No fake news here in Granbury.
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Reblogged this on Calculus of Decay .
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Looking good, there, Phil. You do have great hair and a fine, fine looking Van Dyke.
I say get the band back together, play some more, record yourselves and post it here.
At nearly 80, my Ken has 90% of his hair (slightly thin in the crown) and it refuses to turn white. His hair remains that reddish-blond he’s always had. He’s no musician but, he is a retired cop.
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Rev Phil…. I’ll be awaiting your sermons with open ears! In my church…the preacher likes to spread the joy so I preached a few Sundays ago. I did it on Political Correctness…My wife and I are the youngest in the Church and we are 56…they didn’t know about a lot of that but they enjoyed as I preached on Social Justice Warriors, being “canceled”, and the liberals pushing everyone they don’t agree with under the bus.
I hope your bandmates change their mind!
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My wife, who knows the word and the book better than anyone, thinks I have gone off the deep end. I assure her I have not, and one can take life’s pitfalls and soarings and give a good comparison and argument by using the Bible, as you and your wife have done. I’m reading “Killing Jesus” at this time, and I am amazed at how young he was when he discovered he was the son of God and actually began to preach without learned knowledge of his own religion, only using guidance from his heavenly father and common sense. It’s quite an eye-opening book. My grandson is 26 and knows the word well. He’s a bit coarse sometimes, but he would make a good speaker before a congregation of young people his age. He agrees that many of today’s churches rely on so-called “worship” music that has nothing to do with the word and repentance. That’s the reason for worship; the word, not a rock concert with karaoke words on a screen. My two buddies are Christian, so I believe they will come around. There is humor in everything; all we have to do is look. Thanks for the encouragement.
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I know what you mean. When we were looking for a Church….we went to a few and it felt like we were in a Las Vegas show with everything. Our church is small and we only have 18 people on a good day. We have no musical instruments…just our voices which is pretty cool. It sounds the same as it would have sounded in the 50s.
Anyway…good luck Phil.
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Appriciate that. I remember my church as a kid. An old gal playing a large Hammond organ and a choir. Things have sure changed.
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