Notes From The Cactus Patch

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“A New Doorbell”


As reported by Phil Strawn and The Dead South News Agency

The Ring Doorbell Company will release it’s newest product in December 2020, just in time for Christmas. The new camera-enabled doorbell will come equipped with recorded messages that can put an end to annoying people at your door.

William Ringfinger, head engineer for the Ring Corporation, says, ” AI has enabled us to equip this unit with the ability to deter unwanted solicitors such as; Church Ladies, Morman Missionaries, Jehovahs Witness, Salesman, Relatives and anyone you don’t want to deal with.” When engaged, the doorbell scans the offender with face recognition software and immediately starts intimidating them with outrages questions and insults. After 5 minutes, if the unwanted visitor is still there and arguing with the doorbell, a small amount of pepper spray will shoot from the unit, causing extreme discomfort. If the pepper spray doesn’t work, for an additional $300.00 charge, a 500 pound, ceiling-mounted Acme anvil will be dropped on the visitor resulting in instant death.”

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