Posted on by Phil Strawn

End Times in Texas: Snow Chaos at H-E-B


Backyard Bird Cafe at Casa de Strawn

According to the news gals on TV, the end of the world is upon Texas: snow is coming on Thursday and Friday, maybe a foot or more of the lovely puffy winter blanket. The problem is that the folks in this part of Texas don’t know anything about snow or how to deal with it. Schools are closing, businesses are having “End of Times” sales and liquor stores are running out of stock. This is as serious as the chicken flu.

Like every other fool in town, I went to the H-E-B for a few supplies: pork rinds, wine, beer, Cheeto’s, Wolf Brand Chili, A2 milk, and Ovaltine. I live in a hilly area, and if Momo and I get snowed or iced in, we cannot get out. Exceptions would be made for the hospital or the liquor store for hootch supplies.

I walked into an “End Times” scenario. The H-E-B, that pure Texas grocer, was in full pandemonium mode. The local police were arresting a mother for stealing food from an old woman’s shopping cart, her two young baby childs holding onto their mother’s legs as she was dragged out of the store. The store manager tased an old guy for ramming other shoppers with the store’s personal scooter.

Women were fighting, pulling hair, punching, kicking, and biting each other over toilet paper. Children ran wild down the aisles, grabbing cookies and any sugary treat. One kid stood atop the frozen food kiosk, throwing Red Baron pizzas at the snarling crowd below. It was like a scene from The Walking Dead.

I ran into my old pal Mooch. He had a garbage bag full of Pork Rinds and five cases of Pabst Beer, enough to see him through the apocalypse.

I found what I needed and went to the cashier; she said,

“take it, no charge, the machines have cratered.”

Arriving home, I found Momo cleaning our pistols and checking our ammo supply. She’s a crack shot, so I pity the fool who comes onto our property with intentions to steal. She’s excited about the Snowmeggdon and wants to make snow angels in our backyard. I told her the only thing we could make would be old people’s angels when we fall down and can’t get up and have to crawl back to the patio.

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24 Replies to “End Times in Texas: Snow Chaos at H-E-B”

    1. Between the sibling tree rats and the family of Crows, they are breaking my bird seed budget buying peanuts. The Blue Jays and Woodpeckers also love them, but they are 3.00 a 1-pound bag.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. We are under the same thing Phil! Tomorrow morning we are going to get 3-8 inches of the white stuff…Nashville will shut down over an inch of snow…so this will be a long weekend at home.
    I just came from a grocery store…I was wondering why the hell it was packed on a Thursday night and it hit me…damn…you are right…the end of days!
    I want Snow Cream…that is what I like.

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    1. Max, Fort Worth and that city to the east of us got hit hard. Here in little Granbury, we got sleet and ice, so me and Momo will be hunkered down today. My mother would make snow ice cream for me. Fresh pure snow, a bit of Vanilla, sugar and milk, and yum. I’m afraid to eat the snow these day, too many pollutants. I hope you stocked up on Pork Rinds and Beer.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hot Ovaltine is one of the worlds magic elixirs. I tried some Irish Whiskey and coffee liquer once, not too bad. I’m drinking some as I write this. Thanks for stopping by and checking in.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Good story, Phil. I’m sure the local magistrates enjoy having you on the witness stand.

    I remember a winter in 1990 in the RGV—snow piled up to the hubcaps. If some low-down snake-in-the-grass tries to take your pork rinds, they deserve whatever comes to them. Don’t hesitate to contact me for a character reference to satisfy the magistrate.  Of course, I don’t go to places where it snows these days, so by all means, reach out … I’ll come in the Spring. 

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  9. Too funny! Great imagery, Phil. I can see it all unfolding as I read.

    We have a widowed friend in ATL, bless her heart. A few years back they got about 1/2 inch of snow and the highways came to a standstill. I kid you not. Our friend spotted a house near the exit; the lights were on so she inched her way along the shoulder until she was able to get off. There were kids toys in the backyard. Somehow, by the grace of God, she made it to the house, parked on the driveway and knocked on the door seeking help and the kindness of strangers. They happily took her in, invited her to join them for dinner and put her up for the night! Before the peach pie was served, the kids were calling her Auntie Tricia. People in ATL are a lot nicer than NYC but they know nothing about snow!

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    1. Yes, folks in the south can be immediate family in a pinch. Then again, if you get stranded in the wrong Parish, you could wind up like the two fella’s in Easy Rider. My parents were like the Atlanta folks, didn’t know a stranger.

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  10. I’d still choose H-E-B in crazy times over the grocery stores I have to shop at now that we moved to North Texas. 🤣🤣🤣 Hilarious re-telling!!!

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    1. Yeah, me and Momo were in Colorado Springs last week visiting kids. No Kroger, No HEB, just organic grocery stores with multi-pierced staff and everyone dresses like they stepped out of a LL Bean catalogue. I can only eat so much Sprouts and Whole Foods food.

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  12. I like it better than Florida. If Trump gets border under control I think we’ll come there for six weeks next winter. Maybe somewhere near Galveston. We just got our concealed carry permits, too. First time I ever saw a jail. Quite interesting.

    But it’s snowing pretty steady here in Michigan with a good two feet on the ground and windy today.

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    1. We lived in Galveston for three months back in 2018, looking for a house to buy. Hurricane insurance killed the deal and we came back to Granbury and found out I had cancer to boot. There are some nice communities more on the backside of the bay, and more affordable. Momo and me both carry handguns. After all, it’s still the wild west here in Texas.

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