Month: May 2022

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Deep Thoughts From The Cactus Patch; Things That Make You Say WTH? Updated 5/25/22


Most of my posts are comedy, poking fun at the ineptness of our government and our off-the-rails society; as both are so deserving of ridicule.

I didn’t watch television or listen to the radio yesterday until around 6 pm, and that is when my wife and I saw the tragedy unfold in Uvalde, Texas. 18 elementary school children and 2 or 3 of their teachers, and a grandmother, all killed by an 18-year-old deranged psychopath. The reports indicate the death toll may rise, let us pray it will not.

As a nation, in unison, we must mourn these innocents, but we also must find the reason why these mass killings are growing. What as a whole, are our society and our leaders missing? Is it gun control? likely not, any fool can buy an illegal gun from an individual or from someone in the wrong part of town. Is it the mental health of our nation? Partly, yes. Violence comes at us from everywhere. Video games on X Boxes or on our phones, music and music videos, movies, and television. An already unstable person could see this behavior as normal and acceptable, with no repercussions. It’s part of our society that now seems to be a surreal video game playing out 24-7. The final piece is social media. Facebook, Tik-Tok, Instagram, Twitter, and more are quick to fact-check and ban what they feel is misinformation, religious views, or the questioning of vaccines, yet they leave the crazed recorded rantings of killers to be shared with others, which in turn emboldens their actions. For the moment, they are the star of their own demented reality show. Millions will view the post, and some will agree, but most will cringe in disgust and question why is this allowed to be there for viewing.

The killer in Ulvade had a presence on social media; it’s not known at this time how much, but it was there and known, yet no one came forward with a warning. Friends and the authorities did nothing. The school was left unprotected because of budget restraints within the district. Everyone gets that reality until it’s too late. There will be hearings, firings, and lawsuits, and the state of Texas will likely introduce new laws and protocols for schools. But, it’s too late and has been for decades. Every administration has dealt with mass killings on their watch, only to kick that can on down the congressional road. Unfortunately for our resident president, there have been numerous attacks, and still nothing except speeches, rantings, and blaming the other political party and conservative Americans. There is no unity in this nation, and until there is this type of evil will fester and grow.

Biden praises ballooning gasoline prices and says, “Americans have to go through a transition to learn their lesson.” Well, Joe, the electric so-called car experts, believe we are approximately 20 years away from having a minimal infrastructure to support electric vehicles. So what does Joe do? The minute he gets his Mont Blanc fountain pen in his shaky hand, he attempts to kill the oil and gas industry, the main lifeblood that drives the country and our economy. America doesn’t run on Las Vegas magic, Unicorn Pee or Fairy Dust. I hear that Jill ( not a doctor ) and AOC are working on a children’s book that claims it does.

“Mommy, you don’t need gas for our car anymore; just fill it up with Unicorn pee-pee.” It will be a New York Times bestseller.

Signing one after another freshly printed order, Joe remarks,

“I’ll show those gas-guzzling, Trump-loving deplorable racist how it’s done; Oh, Nancy dear, is there anything else I can sign that will turn our country into a third-world nation by tomorrow morning?” Nancy brings another stack of executive orders and leans in close so Joe can sniff her freshly washed hair. The American public doesn’t know, or will ever know, what the dementia-wracked old man signed. He thought he was approving checks to pay the utility bills.

Is the White House green? Do they have solar panels and windmills in the backyard? Nope, I believe they still use good old coal-fired electricity transmitted through a building-mounted meter. Makes one wonder about that monthly charge.

The Catholic Archbishop banned Pelosi from taking communion, causing the green-haired fishing- tackle-faced Wokies to organize and go after the church. Now he may have to reverse his order. He may want to phone God or perhaps the Popester on his magic red phone for this one. The problem is, Sir Archbishop, the Wokies don’t attend church and are not Christians, so does it matter what they think or do?

How about sticking to your holy-six- guns and having some big gonads like you possessed back in the good old inquisition days when the church didn’t take kindly to Heretics (a 14th-century term for Wokies) and burned them alive tied to a nicely carved wooden stake, threw them over cliffs, and, while still alive and protesting, tore their limbs off and fed them to the hounds. It worked wonders back then.

Since Pelosi’s religious practices are in the news, did anyone notice how during Lent that she and Biden wore their forehead ash blessing for days so the easily impressed public would believe they were “real Christians?” There will be a unique dinner table in Hell for them, right next to Hillary and Bill Clinton’s table. Jeffry Epstein will be their Maitre-d’ and everything will be burned to a crisp.

Trying to pull a fast one on the local school mothers of the country, State Farm Insurance backed a “secret squirrel” program to put LGBQRSTUVWXYZ-themed books into our elementary school classrooms. Unfortunately, some sensible employees at the “Farm” spilled the beans, and they were forced to end the program before the company imploded. Too bad for Flo, I’ve Seen a Thing Or Two, and the lizard; they missed out.

The greatest scandal hit Washington since Watergate; Hillary Clinton has been outed for orchestrating and paying for the Trump Russia BS smear. Where are Bernstein and Woodward? Where is Forest Gump? Old NBC Lester hasn’t said a word about it. Old Joe is filling his diaper, knowing he and Hunter are likely next.

That cute little press secretary is such a moron that she can’t answer a question without sounding like a 4-year-old caught telling a lie. Her stock, circle back answer is; I’m a proud black immigrant lesbian woman; I don’t need to answer anything, just marvel at my perfectness. She checked all of Biden’s boxes except the one for IQ. Bring back, Peppermint Pattie.

Did I say too much? Probably so.

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Sunday Scattershooting In The Cactus Patch


Is it just me, or nowadays, does every man with a protruding gut look pregnant? Yesterday at Walmart, the place resembled a maternity ward. One guy’s water broke and soiled the floor, but then I realized he had pissed himself after the checker tabulated his basket of groceries.

Why are the Kardashians and Johnny Depp still in the news? A family of sluttish women with surgically enhanced butts has caused mental health issues for millions of young girls because they young’un’s think that everyone should live and look like the Kardashian clan, and they can’t. And to further the cause, we have a Mansonesque “man bun” wearing lunatic and his equally deranged ex-wife receiving more news coverage than the Durham investigation, which would make an excellent thirty-minute sitcom. Follow the formula of the old “Roseann” show, and it would be a sure-fire hit.

Our government gives Ukraine a 40 Billion dollar check without knowing ‘what it will be used for, or who will distribute the money.’ On the same day, the morons in Washington voted against a 43 Billion dollar package that would give relief to our American small business owners that have been ruined by Biden’s economy. You can bet that Hunter and The Big Guy will be receiving some of that Ukraine money.

Brings to mind Charlton Heston in the classic movie, The Planet of The Apes. ” It’s a madhouse,” he screams as the laughing chimps poke him with sticks. So, likewise, I’m plumb worn out of being prodded.

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The Summer of Love and Joy Is Upon Us


Yes, Dear Hearts, another summer of “love and joy” is approaching. It usually starts the day after Memorial Day, but it’s early this year, of course, it is, and why wouldn’t it be? There is so much to do that it can’t wait another minute. I always loved the way our treasured southern comedian, Brother Dave Gardner addressed everyone with that old south greeting; “Dear Hearts.” It brings to mind fried chicken, tater salad, and the smell of cooking cornbread. Deadly sweet iced tea with a shot of Jim Beam to ward off the skeeters.

A deranged young white man goes into a supermarket in Buffalo, New York, and shoots ten shoppers dead. All black Americans there to buy groceries for their families. The local cops knew of this guy; he had been institutionalized for mental problems, yet his parents let him procure a firearm. It’s not known as of yet if it was legal or a “ghost gun.” He was on social media and is known as an avowed racist. There are plenty of them out there folks, and they come in all colors. You don’t have to be from Texas to be a lunatic, although we have more than our share and could ship you some if needed.

A church in California was shot up, members were wounded, and one died. The shooter is a 68-year-old Asian man, but the national news skipped over all that. Wrong race, not the correct narrative. I guess the Asian guy is also a racist? Here in Texas, I would say many worshipers in church congregations are packing a piece. If it’s a Cowboy Church, they all have a sidearm.

And now our cognitively destroyed president and his (not a doctor) wife will go to Buffalo to mend America. He will make a screaming demented speech against white people, racists, and Trump, and lecture us on who knows what vile crap will spew from his mouth. He will stand at a podium and scream at the imaginary demons that float in the sky above and follow him like a beloved pack of devil dogs. Jill will have to lead him away before he says something racially insensitive. He and his ilk will turn this tragedy into a George Floyd moment and use it as a summer blockbuster trailer for the upcoming mid-term elections. Never let a good disaster or a mass killing go to waste. Right?

Over last weekend, in the once-respected city of Chicago, 77 black Americans were shot; sixteen of them died from bullets. The shooters were all young, and black. So does that make them racist against their own citizens? Mayor Beetleguise says this summer will be the most celebrated “summer of joy” the city has ever known. Yet she is afraid to go to McDonald’s without bodyguards or an armored vehicle. On the national news broadcast, Old Lester, Metroman David, and that green-eyed devil, Norah won’t mention this on their newscast. Ukraine might be safer than Chicago.

I might be wrong, and more than a bit nostalgic, but we could sure use a good “1969 Woodstock” concert right now.

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More Wise-Ass News from the Cactus Patch


Old fart and extreme liberal has-been actor James Cromwell, best known for his role in the heartwarming farm movie “Babe,” has superglued himself to the serving counter at his favorite Starbucks. His reason for this stunt is to protest the cost and treatment of plants to obtain their vegan plant-based creamer.

“Power to the plants!”

” How dare they put those poor plants through the milking process, squeezing their poor little leaves while they scream in pain,” he yelled. There was no mention of what part of his body was glued, but let us hope it was his dried-up old bare ass. Also, most folks that saw the movie agreed the pig was a much better actor than Cromwell. “That’ll do, Pig.”

Mentally deficient Pelosi and her gang of diaper-wearing Grey Goose guzzling outlaws have passed a bill to send an additional 40 Billion dollars of our money to Ukraine. Hunter Biden will personally deliver the bag of cash. Also, attached to the bill written on a post-it-note, they approved a 21 percent pay raise for congressional staffers. These are the little shits that do nothing but run errands for our elite politicians.

” Oh Spalding my good boy, could you run to the liquor store and buy me a single malt 100 year-old case of scotch?”

Millions of illegal Mexicans are invading our country, bankrupting our social services and healthcare system while getting everything they could imagine for free. Our streets in liberal-run cities are full of homeless, drug-addicted people, many of them veterans and families. Throw away souls living in tents and crapping on our sidewalks. The US citizens get the shaft, the illegal river-wading criminals get the payday, and Ukraine gets 40 Billion in party-hearty money. Hunter will make sure there is 10 percent for the “Big Guy.”

” Don’t forget my ten percent. Is that Old Spice you’re wearing?”

We have a baby formula shortage because it’s being shipped to the south American countries instead of our supermarkets. So I look for the Cartels to start smuggling Similac instead of Fentanyl.

” What the Hell! Where is my Similac?”

Since the Biden administration agrees that it’s acceptable to publish the addresses of our Supreme Court judges so they can be harassed and threatened, how about old Mitch McConnell or one of his staffers, publish the addresses of all the Democratic leaders starting with Pelosi and Schumer. Let’s see how many young conservatives show up at their homes. Of course, our Republican leaders are too spineless for such chicanery; a bunch of pussies.

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Pick The Hill You’re Going To Die On


Our democracy is under siege from the most radical movements since the Weathermen, The KKK, SDS, and The Black Panthers; they are called the Democratic Party, and by crook, hook, and techno-magic, they own the top of the hill with their handmade banners flapping in the wind and weapons trained on us conservative Americans that gather at the bottom of the slope, scanning the horizon and turning every stone, searching for our General Washington to lead us into victory.

We want to think of them as a ragtag bunch of college-educated losers with green hair and piercings that march on with minimal leadership and with no purpose but to disrupt our lives and further their warped agendas.

The unspoken and ignored truth is that they are well organized, backed, and wholly protected by Biden’s minions and our corrupt media.

These are people that want conservatives and Christians dead. That means you, your family, and your dog.

If a priest on the steps of St. John’s Cathedral was set on fire, they wouldn’t piss on him to extinguish the flames, so don’t expect sympathy, logic, or reasoning from them. They are Godless people with no remorse or accountability. They are a tribal mass of evil that will be wailing the loudest when the gates of Hell welcome them home.

Roe vs. Wade is their holy grail, another divine distraction from the disaster that is our president and his declining government.

The blackest and most evil part of this news week is the leak from within our nation’s Supreme Court; the judges appointed to uphold our constitution and laws. The bedrock of our country. Not a word from the liberal judges condemning this breach of trust, so it appears the martyr is most likely a clerk for one of them.

Faint whispers in the tidal wind say a birdie from Sotomayor, the wise Latina. Unfortunately, Roberts doesn’t possess the balls to see the investigation through, so America may never know the truth unless the ignorant fool exposes herself on social media, which will likely happen soon. It’s just too damn good to keep it a secret. Perhaps a Nobel Prize awaits or a cabinet position in the Whitehouse.

Threats against the conservative judges have been made, and some are in hiding, afraid for their family’s safety, and still, the DOJ and the demented man in the nation’s nursing home say nothing. Instead, they condone the anarchy of their people.

Our laws of the land and the sacred paper they are written on have become no more than toilet paper. The radicals have assumed rule, and the nation is on the verge of ruin.

The Republicans are useless. Emasculated wandering gypsies searching for their next country club meal and drinks at the 19th hole. They have their full pay retirement, so the rest of their voters can fuck-off and eat dog food or shit sandwiches. Storming the castle with pitchforks and torches comes to mind.

Don’t speak of the second coming of Christ set for next Tuesday at 3 PM or lofty sermons and fiery speeches calling for divine intervention to save our nation. God will not lift a finger to stop this insidious destruction. Instead, it will play out as the Bible intended it to be. There will be no victor and the land will lay in ruin. We will reap what was planted.

The Revolutionary War, The Civil War, World War II, and Vietnam all had hills to be defended or taken. The good guys won some, and the enemy took a few. There was no divine or government intervention to determine the outcome. The battles were bloody and murderous affairs, killing fields that knew no mercy or remorse. The result was won by the side that killed the most men of the enemy. It was often futile with nothing gained.

The radical Democrats, Antifa, Black Lives Matter, Ruth Sent Us, and more fringe anarchists have chosen their hill and are well equipped to hold it at all costs. The ruin of America is but a by-product of the slaughter.

Conservatives and Christians now know the hill they must choose to die on, but, do we have the guts to take it back?

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