Posted on by Phil Strawn

Hipster Dogs Are Among Us


I wrote this story in 2020 after an encounter at a hipster restaurant in the trendy section of Fort Worth. I wish my stash looked as good as his.

A sweet little dog with a strange name is pictured for your educational pleasure. “Graphon Chardonnay” is what’s known in 2020 as a “Hipster Companion Service Dog.” I’m sure little Graphon would rather be out pissing on trees and digging holes in flower beds than wearing a beard and leather jacket. Dogs look odd in human clothing and look alien when they sport the same beard as their owner.

While strolling the “hot new neighborhood” on West 7th Street a few weeks ago, my wife and I stopped at a small outdoor café for lunch. It was one of those sunny February days where it wants to be pleasant, but you still need a coat if you dine outside. A teaser day, we Texans call it.

A nice-looking couple sat down next to us with their small dog. They were dressed in expensive “Fort Worth Hip” to the tee. The young man had a formidable beard, a ” Stallone” pork pie hat, Ray-Ban sunglasses, and skinny jeans. The woman was dressed similarly but without facial hair. These aren’t your poor retro-hippies; these Kats have dough, good jobs in IT, and live in an expensive high-rise overlooking the Trinity River. They most likely drive a Tesla or a hybrid Beemer.

The two diners immediately immersed themselves in their Apple I iPhones. Hipsters must only use Apple products: Sorry, Samsung, and HTC.

I felt sorry for the little pooch; he didn’t have a phone of his own or even a bowl of water, so I asked a kind waitstaff to bring the wee fellow a dog bowl of H2O. When his water bowl arrived, the man gasped and removed the water dish before the parched dog could catch a drink.

” Graphon does not drink regular water,” he shrieked. ” He’s chlorine intolerant.”

Of course, I apologized for not knowing the dog was allergic to water, so I asked his father, what does Graphon drink?

The young woman looked up from her iPhone and smugly replied, “Graphon Chardonnay drinks only Starbucks decaffeinated coffee, “Chateau La Pew” white wine and natural spring water from Tibet. He is also vegan and has an IQ of 165.” Well, holy hot shit, I am impressed that this furball with two names is smarter than most of us humans; myself included.

I had already figured out these two were vegans, so when our juicy hamburgers arrived, we made a big deal of our meal, loudly commenting on every greasy bite we took. The two gave us the ” hope you die” look.

I accidentally knocked a French fry off my plate in my meat-eating frenzy. The little genius, Graphon, caught it before it hit the ground and gobbled it down. His father screamed, grabbed the dog, and began the “Heimlich maneuver ” until the dog coughed up the slimy fry.

” That fry is cooked in animal fats, are you trying to murder my dog! Graphon could die if he ingests anything other than his special veggies,” he shouted. The woman was crying and having a small breakdown after witnessing her vegan dog eating the evil French fry.

The young couple was so traumatized they took little Graphon Chardonnay and departed the patio. I got the last laugh. I slipped the pooch a nice bite of my burger while they weren’t looking. I’m pretty sure he is going to have some righteous gas.

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26 Replies to “Hipster Dogs Are Among Us”

  4. Tragically, people as you described are allowed to breed. Makes one think there are legitimate cases where mandatory abortion might be good for society, necessary.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m with Tracy…HA!

    Your description of the couple is a scream, tho… We have WAY too many of those folks in my little “leaning so left, they fall over” town. You should see the dudes with rainbow hair, wearing high heels & tight skirts, walking around. They have a slightly terrified look on their faces, as this small town is surrounded by good ol’ boys, from out in the county. There are plenty of Harleys & jacked up pick-ups to make the swishy boys nervous.

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    1. Fort Worth has it’s fine arts district and 7th street, which is Hipster central. That’s where the cafes with outside dining are located, and these folks are everywhere. Since I wrote the story back in 2020, it’s gotten worse. FW is cowtown with lots of cowboys, so anyone odd or weird is apt to receive a butt whoopin at any moment.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Lol! Thanks for the laugh, Phil! As someone else said, these people are actually allowed to breed… If one more person tries to convince me that I can have a healthy pregnancy on a vegetarian diet, I might just scream. Sorry, but my child is not going to be born deficient of vitamins.

    Thank you for stopping by my blog so that I could read this. Have a great day!

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Jeez, that doggie looks an awful lot like Dusty Hill to me, bless his heart. Dogs need to be dogs.
    I can’t stand seeing men in skinny anything. Lately that’s all the news casters on TV are wearing ….. skinny-leg suits in fruity colors with crazy socks and pointy shoes to show how cool they are. They just look stupid to me, not to mention the pants are so skimpy and tight, they’re bound to strangulate their nuts. That must be why they all look like they’re in pain!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bam…you say it like it is. We have some skinny pant wearing guys that attend our church. How do they get these pants on, and off? Yeah, little Graphon was miserable: he needed to chase a Squirrel. Those dudes on Fox News need to wear a real manly suit. Dusty Hill is a good comparison.

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  11. That poor dog…he is probably thinking…I lost the lottery of life with these bozo owners. I watch a vet show at times…and yes…sure enough a lot of those people do try to make vegans out of dogs, cats, or whatever…and of course the animals are sick because of it. You don’t really have to tell really tall tales anymore…it’s happening.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There is a section of trendy Fort Worth that is like a Hipster apocalypse: nothing but vegan diners and expensive clothing stores. That’s where this restaurant was located.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Along with their made up language which you covered nicely. You may have been telling a tall tale…but it IS rooted in facts. I was dumbfounded about people making their dogs be vegan.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. There is more truth in the story than tall tale. I’ve witnessed this more than once in Fort Worth and Austin. Our neighbor has a dog that is vegan, and it’s not too healthy.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. No not healthy at all. I’ve seen a vet on one of those vet shows…he jumped all over these people because of it.
        Phil…I was afraid you were going to say it was mostly true!

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      4. I will let the readers know when something is entirely true. That’s why I tell everyone, Tall Tales and Ripping Yarns From The Great State Of Texas. I fear my two uncles ruined me when I was young. All those yarns, stories and lies told to us kids. I didn’t stand a chance. One thing is in every story, there has to be a truth that makes the mix.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Keep em coming Phil!
        If I miss it during the week I’ll find them on the weekend. I do like this being off the blogs for 4 days straight every week…I’m not burning out anymore.

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