Posted on by Phil Strawn

Ask A Texan: Every Southern Man Needs A New Pickup


Free And Clear Advice For Folks That Don’t Live In Texas But Are Trying To Get Here As Fast As They Can…

Mr. Boufrone Boudreaux of Chigger Bayou, Louisiana, writes that his son thinks he’s a girl, and his wife and daughter are all in on it because they can all swap their clothes and shop together at The Walmart.

Mr. Boudreaux: Mr. Texan, us Cajuns Coon-Asses don’t like to ask for advice from anybody outside of the bayou, but I’m backed into a corner by a pack of gators on this one. About six months ago, my son, Edouard, a high school junior at Chigger Bayou Slow Learning Center and High School, decided he was a girl, despite being over six feet tall and possessing all the typical male physical characteristics. He grew his hair out long, painted his fingernails, and started wearing his sister’s dresses. After he dyed his hair blonde, like my wife, Vionette, he made an almost passable but somewhat unfortunate-looking girl. He now calls himself Edouardine, which is an old Cajun family name. I had three aunts, all named Vionette 1, 2, and 3. He was a darn good hardball pitcher on the boy’s high school baseball team, The Fighting Chiggers, but has now joined the girl’s softball team, and they are about to win the state championship. A large university in California wants to offer him a full-ride scholarship to pitch for their women’s team, and to sweeten the deal, they will also provide me with a new Ford F-150 pickup truck with a leather interior and all the fancy features. My wife and daughter are all excited about Edouard changing because now they can swap clothes, do girls’ night out crap, and go shopping for girly stuff at The Walmart. I’m real torn up on this one because I need a new truck and won’t have to fork out a fortune on tuition. Looking forward to being saved down here in the bayou.

The Texan: I’m truly sorry for your anguish, but I understand, as we share similar predicaments here in Cow Country. Many universities give the athletes and their parents under-the-table gifts to entice them. SMU, Baylor, and UT come to mind. Sports cars, cash, whores, and pickups are all considered legal bribes. UT is exceptional in this category; they attract their foreign students by offering parents Camels, televisions, and Air Conditioners, as well as portable tiny homes to replace their mud huts in the African desert. Sounds like Eduardo is confused, and it’s nothing that a hefty dose of bayou minga-minga from a gal outside of the immediate family could smack him right out of it. I’d go for it; every man needs a new truck, and take the tuition money and buy yourself a nice swamp-certified flat-bottom airboat with a gator winch. I’m sending your son a box of cherry bombs to remind him that he’s a boy and boys like to blow things up.

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19 Replies to “Ask A Texan: Every Southern Man Needs A New Pickup”

  1. We see so many Cybertrucks in Las Vegas that a quick glance is all they get out of us ordinary car/truck owners. But the other day, I saw something in the adjacent lane of traffic that I’d never seen before: a big bright yellow Tonka Edition F-150. I later read that it was created by Ford Tuscany in partnership with the Tonka brand. The truck did indeed resemble the iconic Tonka toy trucks from childhood, and it proudly displayed the Tonka logo on its body.

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  2. I said to hubs not long ago today, that I hoped you were ok, Phil , because I hadn’t seen a post from you in a while.
    Both he and I are glad to see you back and read your (“not-so-much”) tongue in cheek humour.
    You remain to be a skilled wordsmith who we very much enjoy reading!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Terry for the kind words. I’m blushing a bit, or maybe it’s my high blood pressure, but I am humbled. I can now type with both hands and am on the long road to Zanzibar, with Momo being my Dorothy Lamour. We did get a new pickup not long ago with the intentions of pulling an RV trailer behind and camping around the country. It might still happen, but on a limited schedule. Thanks for reading and enjoying my filter-less musings.

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      1. Congrats on the new wheels, Phil, and best wishes for your safety and enjoyment if you decide on the travel trailer. Please warn Momo that most big marital arguments after purchasing an RV occur during parking the dang thing… been there … done that … way too many times 😂

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      2. We are already having a pissing contest and haven’t purchased it. Right now it’s over the color and brand. I used to move my cows around in a 30 foot trailer, so I can back with the best of them. Not that my cows needed to go anywhere, they just enjoyed riding around the countryside.

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  3. Mister Texan might also tell Mr. B to hold out for a 250 Navistar Diesel. Might also encourage the left-handed college in California to take a look at the Mr. Bs girls. If their dresses fit the erstwhile lad, they might be candidate for such as the USC football team thermselves.

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      2. We use those things all the time. Momo has some of those workout goodies: the above mentioned, a blow-up rubber bouncing ball, stretchy rubber cables etc. I grew up watching my mother stand in front of our black and white TV and exercise with Jack La Lane and his white sherpard, Happy. All that while holding a Pall Mall and a high-ball.

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  5. At first, I thought Phil was pulling our legs with this story. Then, the genius of a talented kid getting a free ride through a prestigious school and getting a free pickup makes the ridicule of a man turning into a woman well worth it.

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    1. Thanks, Joe. It is a scenerio that has happened. Texas is known for giving under the table goodies to entice sports figures. So, the ploy of being a woman should certainly work. Thanks for the comment.

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  6. Such good advice, Mr. Texan! A mule and a plow might also help this young man. He would just need to be careful not to set the cherry bombs off while working the mule. 🙂

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    1. Cherry Bombs were part of my childhood in Texas, and the thought of blowing up things brings back warm memories. A buddy of mine dropped one down a manhole and ignited the sewer gas, which blew the metal cover upward and torched most of his hair off. The usual stuff, yet, here I am still living.

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  8. I sincerely hope he takes your advice. Sisters & momma can go with “brother” to California. He should enjoy his new pickup & hang out in the Bayou country.

    PS…we were preparing to get a travel van in 2021 to explore the USA, but a little thing called heart surgery changed our minds. I am 4 years healed & now that Biden is out, we might just rethink the idea.

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    1. My son has a travel RV trailer that we could use if we decide to give it a go, but what I would spend on one will pay for a lot of hotel rooms.

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