Posted on by Phil Strawn

Ask A Texan: Texas Chili Cookoff Tips for Beginners


Downhome And Humble Advice For Folks That Live So Far Out Yonder They Don’t Know Nothing About The World Except What They Hear At The Feed Store and The Septic Tank man
The Texan

This Texan received a letter pleading for help from Mr. Pico de’ Gallo of Bandera, Texas. Seems he is considering entering the world-famous Terlingua Chili Cookoff for the first time and is being forced to use his wife’s old family recipe, and has concerns.

Mr. Pico de’ Gallo: Mr. Texan, I’m entering the famous Terlingua Chili cook-off, and my wife, Conchita Bonita Maria, wants me to use her old Mexican family recipe. Her family is from San Antonio, and her great-great-great-grandmother was the cook for the defenders of the Alamo. Her name was Chile Conchita Madera, and history credits her for making the first batch of Chili, so the dish was named after her. She was also Davy Crockett’s girlfriend, and he and Jim Bowie got into a ruckus over her, and Davy shot off Jim Bowie’s pinkie toe with his famous rifle, Old Betsy. She and Davy were tight, but then he didn’t make it, and she left with the other women after Santa Anna won the battle. Santa Anna wanted to hire her as his personal cook, but she wouldn’t have any of it. My problem is my wife wants me to go out and get the fresh meat, the same stuff her great-great-great-grandmother used. Now I’ve got to go kill a bunch of Opossums, a few Skunks, some Rats, three or four Rattlesnakes, and a cow that got blown up by a cannonball during the fight. I’m not a hunter and don’t even own a rifle, only a .44 Magnum pistol, and I’m pretty sure if I shoot those critters with that Dirty Harry gun, it’s gonna blow them up to a pulp and won’t be of any use. And, to top it off, she also wants me to go to Marfa, Texas, and search the Chihuahuan Desert for the rare Chihuahuan Death Pepper, which grows near the mountains at the base of Cacti, and is really hard to find. I’m in a pickle here. Why can’t I just get some Wolf Brand canned chili and add some stuff to it? Help a brother out here.

The Texan: Well, Mr. de’ Gallo, I happen to be somewhat of an expert on Chili. My two son-in-laws have won the Terlingua Chili Cookoff twice in the last five years, so by osmosis and relations, they turned me into a Chili expert. I can tell right now, you don’t need to shoot all those road kill critters and blow them up, just go to HEB and get some pork, steak, ground beef, and other meats, and tell her you shot the critters. She won’t know the difference. I’ll email you my special recipe for my award-winning Chili. I use my special hot sauce, called Davy Crockett’s Colon Cannon, because it’s made with the Vietnamese Death pepper brought back to Texas from Vietnam in 1969 by my buddy, Tex Stiles, the famous BBQ Chef. He was fighting the Cong over there, and an old Mama San turned him onto the pepper. It’s the hottest one in the world, and one pepper could kill two or three folks, so you’ve got to use only one or two drops in your batch. I’ll send you some Cherry Bombs and a CD of John Wayne’s famous movie, ” The Alamo.” Your wife’s granny might be in there somewhere.

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29 Replies to “Ask A Texan: Texas Chili Cookoff Tips for Beginners”

  1. Mr. Pico de’ Gallo should use those Cherry Bombs to send tasty Opossums, Skunks, Rats, and Rattlesnakes to Chili Heaven. And while he’s at it, he could blast a few Chihuahuas down there in whatever the name of that desert is. Chihuahuas should be eaten, not heard barking. As for cookoffs, the one I don’t advise anyone to attend is held with great pomp and circumstance in Papua New Guinea.

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      2. The proper name was ” Davy Crockett’s Ass Cannon.” I used it in my chili for tomorrows cookoff at church. I think I may have used a bit too much, its the hottest chili I’ve made to date.

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  3. It wasn’t all that long ago when I was trying to give my wife an opinion on something — nothing as controversial as chili — and she shot me a death stare, saying, “If I wanted your opinion, I’d give it to you.” The point is, I understand if you decide to toss this comment in the circular file.

    But, in my opinion, based on everything I’ve ever known about Texans, they’d rather be roasted on a spit in the middle of an Apache camp during the moon of the horse and the time of ripeness than share their chili recipe. It’s sort of like recipes for gumbo, only different. Unless — and I hesitate to say this since we go back so many years — you’re trying to sabotage his entry in the cook-off contest. In that case, I do admire your style, but the cherry bombs won’t work on this one.  And Mr. Gallo does own a .44.

    An aside: there are some things in Texas that, when you shoot’em with a .44 magnum, it only pisses them off.  The H.E.B. idea was very good advice, sir.

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    1. Thank you, Mustang, for the heartfelt reply. Chili in Texas is real big stuff, and we take it serious. It has been known to divide families and cause turf wars similar to the ones in Appalachia. Chili in Texas in sort of a religious experience, without the incense and such, but it is real damn serious. Just the smell of good Chili cooking has been known to cause folks homes to be invaded by hungry fanatic’s. I had to fight off my neighbors today while cooking it.

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    2. My grandmother was a Cherokee Indian, and they made a similar dish, but didn’t call it Chili. She made some of that stuff for us when we were kids staying with her on the farm. There was no HEB near Santa Anna back then, so we just ate what grandmother cooked. Chickens, possums, lizards, snakes, it was all good eating. I was pretty feral back then, not bathing for a week or so. Momo thinks I’m still kind of that way.

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    3. Yeah, my wife gives me the big eye too. You are right, Texans don’t share their true recipe for chili with anyone. I had some chili that a lady from Indonisia made using fruit and some kind of hot sauce they like over there. My tongue is still numb. Sometimes a 44 won’t get er’ done, so we use two of them at once, like in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.

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    1. I have a separate Crock Pot of award-winning beans to add to the chili if one desires. I’m not your traditional Texan, as you know, I like beans in my chili. If Saint Willie or Waylon came to my table, they would likely get up and leave. My two son in laws always add beans to theirs, and they have won Terlingua twice. So, I will continue to have beans ready to add. Everyone gets a box of Cherry Bombs, you know that, Nancy. I’ve got a box for you when you need them.

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      1. Phil, you just crack me up! I thought beans were part of the chili’s appointed mystique. Without beans to weaponize it, it’s lumpy tomato soup with peppers of fire. I mean no offense to your Texas traditions. I’m comforted to know cherry bombs have been reserved for me in case of an emergency. Thanks, oh wise Texan. 🌶🌶🌶🫘🫘🫘💣💣💣

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      2. Texans are weird about their chili, a lot of us prefer good home made pinto beans in chili, and some folks like only meat and peppers. We had a chili cook off at our church today, and I won second place, but I had a separate crock pot with home made beans for the folks that wanted to add them. I like beans in mine, always have, and so did Davey and the boys at the Alamo. Thanks Nancy, the Texan always appreciates your kindness and informative comments.

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      1. I’ve heard about that death pepper from chili aficanados up here, but I’ve never run across it. Hmm. I feel chicken to go looking!

        I knew lots of people don’t like beans in their chili, aka sacrilege, but I doesn’t seem like it’s really chili without it, sort of like spaghetti sauce without the spaghettI. Of course, I guess you could dunk cornbread in it? Like bread in spaghetti sauce. Thus we have the Chili Wars.

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      2. We had our annual chili cookoff at church today, it was a success and we raised money for our youth group. I tasted some that were so hot, it made my lips numb, and that ain’t right. Mine, on a scaled of 1-5 was about a 3, and I won second place. I had beans for the folks that like them.

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  7. I’m only guessing, but isn’t the point of a chili cook-off to make the chili favored by the judges, which is to say, not killing them during the taste-off?  We had a ship’s cook once who fancied himself as a chili aficionado, and that was fine until the captain found a bolt in his chili.  Not long after that, we got a new ship’s cook from Montana, where they prefer their food served rare.

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    1. In Texas, it’s all about the meat and the heat. 2-10 alarm. Most judges select the heat level at around 5 alarms. A bolt in chili, the captain made the right decision. I ate at a restaurant once and found a broken piece of glass in my food. It was lucky I didn’t eat the bite in it, so folks must be careful these days. It seems some of these cooks like to prank folks.

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  8. I’ve never tasted chili in Texas, Phil. I’ll have to search it out sometime when we’re out for a meal. Although the older we get, the spicier hubs and I like our food to be (the old tastebuds tend to be less adept as tine goes on), my fave chili is still my Mom’s German/Canadian version, which yes, contains beans, but as far as spice heat goes – there’s virtually none.

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