This Texan received a letter from a Mr. Atticus Finch from Greenbow, Alabama. Seems his wife, Maudie, has discovered Dubai Chocolates and has gone off the deep end.
Mr. Finch: Mr. Texan, I saw your article in the back pages of Flower of the Month Magazine at the hardware store that Miss Mayella runs. My wife of forty years, Maudie, went to The Walmart, bought some of these new Dubai Chocolates, fell in love with them, and now that’s all she eats. She’s bought about fifty boxes of them, and won’t eat anything that Calpurnia, our cook, made, so she quit. Now I’m down to eating supper from Chicken Express. Not only is she gaining a bunch of weight, but the doctor also said she now has type 3 Diabetes, a fatty liver, and a big brain worm. But that’s not the worst of it. Since these candies come from Dubai, one of them Arab countries, she now thinks she’s a Muslim. She loves her Walmart, so she buys a Pioneer Woman bathrobe, dyes it black, then some Martha Stewart scarves, wraps them around her head, pokes holes in them for eyes, and goes around town dressed like a Muslim woman. We were driving to church down Maycomb Blvd the other day, which is the busiest street in town, and she jumped out of the truck at the stoplight, threw her new Pioneer Woman bath mat onto the street, knelt down, and started chanting all this gibberish while eating a box of those Dubai candies. I’m afraid she might do something rash and become a terrorist woman. Our two grown children, Jean Louise and Jem, won’t bring the grandkids over anymore, and our two neighbors, Dill and Boo, won’t come out of their house because they’re scared of her. Needing some help here in Alabama.
The Texan: Well, Mr. Finch, you’re in a “dill pickle” of a mess there in Maycomb. I’ve heard those chocolates are causing some scary behavior among folks. I called a psychoanalyst friend of mine, Dr. Harper Gump, and she says that these new candies contain a concentration of a special nut oil that’s engineered to make folks want to be Muslims. I think it might be a plot by Al Qaeda to take over the country, one candy-loving woman at a time. My late father’s late, late uncle Orem, back in the prohibition days, drank a whole case of moonshine, and it affected him so bad that it turned him into a Baptist. So I guess sustenance and libations can affect folks adversely, turning them into something else. I would find a Priest to perform an exorcism and get that pesky brain worm demon out of her, and get rid of those candies. Buy her some of those Lady Godiva Chocolates. I’m sending ya’ll a CD of my favorite movie, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and a box of cherry bombs so you can blow those Dubai candies up. Keep in touch.
Notes From The Cactus Patch 