Posted on by Phil Strawn

Ask A Texan 4.29.25


Decent advice for folks who might not live in Texas but wish they did.

The Texan

A fella sent me a note on a Tractor Supply postcard. It seems Mr. Leroy Buford of Chigger Bayou, Louisiana, has suffered the wrath of a vengeful wife.

Leroy: Mr. Texan, my wife, Lavernfullella, got mad at me for gambling away my paycheck on the Dallas Cowboys game. I’ll admit it was my fault; who in their right mind would bet on those boys to win. The case of Bud Light had something to do with it. Anyhow, I came home, and our house was gone. She had hooked up her pickup to the trailer and pulled that sumbitch out of the Chigger Bayou Trailer Park. I don’t have a home and am living in the old lady next door’s tool shed. Can you give me some advice on how to fix this mess?

The Texan: First off, Mr. Leroy, never bet or watch those washed-up Americas team again. That Hillbilly with a gold card ruined a great Texas franchise. Secondly, why didn’t you remove the tires from your home? You’d be sleeping warm and cuddly right now. This scenario reminds the Texan of his friend, the great white hunter, Bwana of San Saba. He had a nice Airstream on his hunting lease in the Texas rough country. He was sleeping good one night, dreaming of killing a Bambi. Some Cartel boys liked the looks of his fancy trailer, so they hooked up to it and pulled it away. He was sleeping soundly and didn’t know he was being hijacked. He woke up the next morning in a parking lot in Juarez, Mexico. He looked for a policeman, but he only found two little boys wanting him to come to meet their sister for twenty dollars. Lesson learned, take the tires off your home and hide them somewhere. Hope you find your Hacienda. Keep in touch.

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12 Replies to “Ask A Texan 4.29.25”

  1. Sage advice, Texan. I believe I spotted his home bumping along an Ohio back road headed for a state park camping area. It was a pop-up trailer with Texas plates. A muscle bound gal with spiked hair and body tats was towing it with a bicycle. Please tell Leroy. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I bought a box of Buc-ees post cards and a roll of stamps. Guys like Leroy and a few others don’t have smart phones or computers, everything is backwoods old school. When I lived in beautiful Minneapolis MN, I saw many camper trailers with Texas and Oklahoma plates. Hillbillies escaping the heat of summer. I]m not sure what Leroy’s wife looked like, it was likely her. Thanks, Nancy.

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  3. Chigger Bayou Trailer Park is located at the end of a long and winding dirt road with intermittent shallow pools of water (known as baby gator crossings). Leroy should be able to follow the water-soaked tread marks to the paved country road and then follow the wet tire tracks to the nearest Louisiana state highway. Using common sense deduction, along with some divine intervention thanks to a series of routine Cajun prayer stops, Leroy should be able to whittle down the number of Lavernfullella’s likely final destinations to just a few hundred thousand. Of course, Leroy may have already thought of some other plan of pursuit. You know what they say, there’s more than one tool in the shed.

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