Category: lifestyle

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Christmas Memories: Santa Claus and My Childhood Beliefs


Photo by: Head Elf No. 1

Keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I am posting a few tales of personal Holiday experiences growing up in the 1950s in Fort Worth, Texas.

The hundreds of hours I wasted thinking about Santa Claus, where he lived, and whether he was happy. Did Mrs. Claus make him hot cocoa and cookies? Does his reindeer live in a lovely barn? How do they fly? Is Rudolph the leader of the pack? Did he get my letters? Was I on the nice or naughty list? Is his spying Elves watching me? These were questions that required an answer. My parents were no help, they would smile and pat my little flat top haircut head.

Santa consumed my life from 4 years old until I turned 9. I was a true believer, a young pilgrim to the point of becoming a child Santa Evangelist. Anyone said something terrible about Santa; it was put up your dukes time or a come to Santa prayer meeting. My younger sister was also a firm believer, but then, she was brainwashed by me, and I was programmed by my parents, grandparents, and the rest of the family.

On Thanksgiving Day, the trickery commenced around our household. First, my mother, the master of deceit, would warn us about the naughty list and what would happen if we were on it. Then it was, ” The Elves are watching you through the windows to see if you’re good.” That’s the one that got to me the most. I had a plan to catch them.

After lights out, I slinked out of bed under the cover of my darkened room. Crawling on my belly like a soldier, I made my way to the nearest window. Back against the wall, I slid up and moved the blinds in a flash, hoping to catch the little guys. Failing to catch one spying on me didn’t deter my mission: I knew they were there and faster on the draw. Santa and his gang were tricky ones.

The annual Christmas visit to Leonard Brothers Department Store in downtown Fort Worth was the ultimate Santa experience. Toyland was akin to holiday Nirvana for us kids. A rocket ship monorail glided around the basement ceiling, kids packed in like sardines on a rocket train to nowhere. Parents rush to purchase presents while the kids are busy, hiding them under their coats or in bags and lying to their innocent children with straight faces.

Santa held his court in the middle of Toyland. His throne was 10 ft. off the ground, with stairs leading up and down. A majestic sight if there ever was one. Sitting in a velvet chair fit for a king while his Elfin helpers lifted the crumb crunchers on and off his lap, it was pure excellence. A line of snot-nosed kids snaked around the room, waiting for their chance to place their order, up the stairs, on the lap for 15 seconds, then off the lap, and down the stairs. The visit was over before you knew what had happened. It was the same routine for years, and I loved it. I could spit out my order in under 10 seconds. Santa and his helpers were impressed.

I asked Santa for a bicycle when I was 9 years old. A red and white machine with side mirrors, streamers, a headlight, and white-side-wall balloon tires. I also asked for a new BB Gun, a larger Cub Scout knife, and a Fanner 50 cap pistol with green stick-um caps. My sister asked him for a doll that was larger than she was and a dollhouse.

Christmas Eve arrived, bedtime rolled around, and we hit the sack. Hot Ovaltine and cookies put me out like a light. Then, sometime after midnight or later, I had to pee. I didn’t want to get up, but the Ovaltine was causing me some discomfort. Half asleep, shuffling down the hallway, I looked into the living room as I passed the doorway. With a Schlitz beer in his hand, my father sat by the tree, assembling a red bike like the one I expected from Santa. My mother was working on a cardboard dollhouse, and the giant doll my sister wanted was standing under the tree, looking creepy.

I convinced myself that Santa must have run out of time and had recruited my parents to complete his work. The reality of the sight escaped me.

My father looked up and saw me standing there; our eyes met, and he smiled like a raccoon caught in a trash can. The jig was up. The big lie was exposed, and my childhood imploded right there in the hallway. Daddy was Santa, and Mom was Mrs. Claus. I peed and made my way back to bed, not comprehending what I had witnessed.

I awakened at daybreak, our usual Christmas morning routine. I was thankful to be awake and away from the nightmare that had gripped me most of the night. I was relieved that it was all caused by the Ovaltine. The gifts were under the tree, and life was good. I loved the bike and the BB Gun, but my sister feared the enormous lifelike doll.

After breakfast, I was lying under the Christmas tree, building an army fort with my plastic soldiers. That’s when I found a Schlitz beer bottle, assembly instructions for a bike, and a few tools.

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California And The Magical Elixers… Chapter 7


My grandmother hailed from a sizable brood: four sisters and a solitary brother. Their formative years were spent in the sun-drenched fields of south Texas, toiling on the family produce farm. The patriarch, Grandfather Duncan, regarded his children as mere hired hands and didn’t pay them a dime. Every child born saved him from hiring a lazy field hand to pick his watermelons and oranges.

Upon the completion of their high school years, one by one, the siblings, usually in the dead of night and with assistance from the others, embarked on a journey, whether by bus, train, hitchhiking, or on foot, seeking their own version of freedom from the farm. Miraculously, within a few years, they and their new spouses found themselves settling in Fort Worth, Texas, mere blocks apart.

The transition from Texas to California proved to be arduous. My grandfather, possessing the toughness of weathered leather and an insensitivity to female emotions, saw the move as a blessing and a chance for a new beginning. However, for Bertha, it felt more like a forced abduction. John Henry appeared oblivious to her distress, or perhaps he believed it would pass in due time. Yet her sorrow lingered until she stumbled upon a seeming panacea: alcohol, fashioned into the magical healing elixirs hawked on the radio and in the newspapers. From anemia to tremors, from insomnia to weight loss, from night sweats to antisocial behavior, there existed a bottled pharmaceutical remedy for every affliction, no doctor’s visit required. Countless bottles of happy juice lined the shelves of the local drugstore, catering to the myriad conditions that afflicted my grandmother, a certified hypochondriac.

When not self-diagnosing herself that she harbored every disease known to man and convinced that her death was mere hours away, Bertha was quite the letter writer. Every day, seated at her kitchen table, her fountain pen full of blue ink, she’d churn out missives to her sisters in Texas. Fueled by her newfound self-assurance courtesy of those magic elixirs, she didn’t see any harm in embellishing the truth a bit about her new life out in California: alone in a strange land, who could blame her? It’s not as if her family would ever drop by for a visit. As time went by, her letters became creative works of fiction, painting the picture of a grand Beverly Hills home in place of her modest stucco house and a swanky Duesenberg convertible instead of their old Ford. According to Bertha, even the legendary Clark Gable was a neighbor, and Sister Aimee McPherson, the radio firebrand preacher gal, became a dear friend, and the two of them often enjoyed lunch at Musso and Franks Grill, mingling with the movie stars. Bertha was dead set on landing an audition with MGM or writing a grandiose screenplay, all thanks to that magical elixir of hers. Not thinking of how she would explain her fabricated world when they returned to Texas, she continued, and the more she wrote, the more she believed her own stories.

When Johnny turned thirteen, he approached his father with a request to pursue a professional career in music. John Henry, harboring doubts about the practicality of such a proposal, pondered the unlikelihood of anyone hiring a boy for such a venture, much less paying him with real money. Nonetheless, three of Johnny’s older schoolmates had extended an invitation to join their string band, which often performed at birthday parties and school events for a small fee, which was usually a coke and a plate of food. Their need for a fiddle player in the Bakersfield-style hillbilly tunes they favored aligned perfectly with Johnny’s musical talents. That evening, seated on the front porch after supper, Johnny revealed his decision to his father — he had embarked on a professional journey with his newfound band. Despite his initial surprise, John Henry offered his warm congratulations to the young boy venturing into this new vocation.

Their first official rehearsal was an epic disaster. The guitar player knew four, maybe five chords on his out-of-tune instrument, the bass player, using a beat-up dog house bass fiddle, couldn’t get the beast anywhere near in-tune, and the tenor banjo picker was worse than the other two. After massacering a dozen or so tunes, Johnny floated an option. He knows of a genuine black blues singer who burns up a guitar when he plays. The other three were wagging their tails like a hungry dog and voted to bring this fellow into the fold. Now, Johnny had to convince Blind Jelly Roll Jackson to play with a bunch of borderline musicians.

Church on Sunday was a rousing spectacle. Sister Aimee, after singing a handful of beautiful songs and just enough preaching to make sure the offering plates were full, called for souls that needed saving to approach the altar and receive Jesus. This was part of every service; a few folks would come down to be blessed and saved. With the orchestra playing, the choir singing, and a contingent of Hollywood-style dancers on stage, a hundred folks rushed the front in need of salvation. Sister Aimee, not knowing how to handle a worked-up mob that scared her out of her witts, retreated stage right and hid in her dressing room. Her assistant preacher and a few ushers administered to the flock while Sister Aimee gulped a handful of Carter’s nerve pills, washing them down with “Father Flannigans Holy Healing Tonic,” which was around 80% alcohol and claimed to be brewed from the holy waters of the River Jordan.

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Remembering the 4th of July 1957


The whirling of the push mower blades sings a song of torment as I strive to advance the heavy beast forward. I missed cutting the grass by two days: now, it’s akin to whacking my way through a South American jungle. I’m eight years old, and it’s the 4th of July 1957.

Later this afternoon, folks and kin will come over for a backyard cookout and fireworks. A watermelon is chilling in the ice-filled tub, while a supply of Cold Pearl beer and soft drinks occupy another. Both tubs rest in the refreshing shade of our backyard Mimosa tree. My old man’s cherished Leonard Brothers all-steel Master Chef charcoal grill sits on the driveway, brimming with Mesquite briquettes freshly bought from “Little Bills Cookout Ranch” in Eastwood Texas.

Many of the kinfolk invited to the family gathering have long found themselves on my father’s “Naughty List,” but being a kind man, he extends the invitation year after year, including on Christmas Day. They always come, and before long, the reasons for their past banishments come to the fore. Cold beer, followed by a belt of Old Crow whiskey, seems to grant them the audacity to make a truly remarkable spectacle of themselves. They can be quite entertaining, but only for a short while. As a young one, their antics matter little to me. My mind is set on handling dangerous fireworks and causing grandiose explosions.

Folks start moseying in as the sun starts its descent. A few cousins near my age will make the shindig bearable. My tomboy cousin Ginger brings her bow and target arrows, while I tote a bag full of steel-pointed lawn darts. Ginger wastes no time in shooting my cousin Jok in his left buttock. My father yanks out the arrow, and a band-aid does the trick. Kids were made of sterner stuff back then. Only a speeding bullet might have given us pause. We then move on to firecrackers, cherry bombs, and sparklers.

Burgers are served along with “tater salad” and watermelon. Pearl beer gives my father’s uncle Orum the ability to talk like Will Rogers. His home-spun recounts of past family gatherings captivate the adults. Without the lubrication of beer, he is as humorless as a cardboard box.

Cousin Ginger finds her not so well-hidden bow and arrows in our garage and sends an arrow through a bedroom window glass. Her father, Jake administers a well-deserved butt whooping. It’s not often I see a girl get a spanking. Jok and I egg our uncle Jake on. Ginger does the one-arm escape dance, screaming for mercy, as her father delivers the blows.

I obliterate every ant hill in our alley using Black Cat firecrackers before launching a tin can into the stratosphere with a Cherry Bomb. Cousin Jok places a Cherry Bomb on the front tire of his older brother’s new MG convertible to gauge the velocity of the blast. The firework creates an outward dent in the fender, serving as a foreboding omen for Jok’s impending doom; he is well aware of the retribution that awaits him upon his return home.

Darkness comes, and we twirl sparklers in figure-eight shapes. Sticks of metal ablaze at 3,000 degrees. Children clutching a welding torch; what could possibly go wrong? Cousin Jok miscalculating the burn duration of a sparkler, singes his hand, leading him to release the little torch, igniting a yard blanket upon which his mother was seated, prompting her to drop her beer and hot dog. My father douses the blaze with a garden hose. Jok is surely on track to set a new standard for butt whooping’s when he gets home.

Ten o’clock arrives, and I’m lying in bed after my bath. The soft whir of my bedroom fan lulls me into La-La Land. The adults are still in the backyard. I hear their laughter and catch a few words of some dirty jokes.

Drowsiness comes; sleep is but a minute away; then I hear my mother singing God Bless America, and the others join in. It feels good to be a kid on the 4th of July.

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Are You A Boy..Or Are You A Girl?


So now the Boy Scouts of America have put on their make-up, styled their hair, and inserted their tampons in the appropriate orifice.

I was a Boy Scout and a Cub Scout. My grandson was a Cub Scout and is now a Boy Scout, and my son is his troop leader. I can tell you, they are not a bunch of whiny-assed pansies like we are reading about in the news. What a disgrace to America. All those years of honor flushed like a happy bear toilet wipe.

Yeah, I get the lawsuits and all that, and the payouts, and girls wanting to be boys instead of their biological gender, and the little sissy boys wanting to be a girl scout in a boy scout uniform; it’s where the world is at this day.

How about drinking some Ovaltine, putting your hand between your legs and feeling what God gave you, and go shoot your Daisy BB gun and shut the hell up.

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Who Came First; The Bunny or Jesus?


Not the Easter Rabbit

Us Christians have to admit: the Easter Bunny is a great secular ploy to teach our children the wrong meaning of Easter. We can thank German immigrants in the 1700s for bringing this little Paganisitc celebration to our shores. Sure, they meant well, and at that time, most Germans were Christians, but being trapped indoors during those long winters, they came up with an idea to amuse their children. I assume kids in those days got on their parents’ nerves and were a bit bratty.

Their rabbit, which was a German Hare, was said to lay actual eggs, which were given as gifts to family, or small trophies to placate their children. Once the tradition wormed its way into American society, it became a cute bunny rabbit buying eggs from hard-working chickens, then selling them to parents, who, in turn, hid them under bushes, on playground equipment, and in tall grass for their kids to find. Once found, they were placed in a woven basket with fake green or yellow grass to be put aside for later consumption. The chocolate bunny, invented by Hershey, came later and added to the cavity count. My favorites were Peeps, the tiny marshmallow chicks that melted in my greedy little mouth. They never mentioned the Yellow Dye 44 that might kill you later in life. But that was the 1950s, and even doctors blew cigarette smoke in your face. Nothing killed you back then; we were all safe.

My cousins and I hunted many eggs and became quite good at spotting them. My grandmother used real eggs that we kids decorated and later ate with salt and pepper; the Peeps came later.

I will admit to being a part of this tradition. My two boys bought right into it. So what’s a Dad to do? I put the Easter Rabbit up there with Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, Sasquatch, Godzilla, Invaders from Mars, and Pod People.

This Sunday, families will get together for a meal and a nice visit, and then, if kids are present, they will likely do the Bunny egg thing. I get it. We all have done it and will keep doing it until something better comes along.

That something better is Jesus.

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Dirty Hairy…Make My Day


What was once cool, then not, is now cool again. Back in “the day,” meaning the 1960s, some of the flower children went a bit too naturally. Hairy armpits, legs, and other areas were part of the “back to nature” movement. I was not a fan, nor was Momo. The most back-to-earth she got was making her own bread, which she still does and does quite well.

Momo and I were in H.E.B. a few days ago, and a hippish-looking young lady in an Armani sleeveless top had so much armpit hair that it looked like she had Buckwheat in a headlock. As Momo walked past her, she couldn’t help saying, “Otay.”

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Tune In And Drop Out


The above picture is of my late cousin, Velveltine, her late husband Zig Zag, and their young family. I believe the year is 1971, when they lived in a commune in the mountains of New Mexico on the Apache Indian Reservation. Zig Zag, ever the historian, swore they would live as the Apache did; thus, when the children were born in the tent with the help of an Apache midwife, he would pull back the flap of the TeePee and name the child for the first thing he saw. It was an Indian tradition: no cheating and no changing the name. He was a stickler, as was Velveltine, even though in her old age, she realized they traumatized the children with the crazy-assed hippie names they gave them. All the kids had identity issues as well as psychological malfunctions.

Pictured left to right: Gentle Morning Rain, Mama Cousin Veveltine, daughter Chattering Squirrel, daughter Noisy Thunderstorm, Papa Zig Zag, and the youngest child, daughter Two Dogs….well, you get the picture. I heard that when the children reached legal age and got out of prison and the mental wards, they changed their names to a more appropriate moniker. And we wonder why the world is the way it is today.

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One More Semester, Please! I Promise I’ll Do Better!


To all of you, parents and grandparents, who are totally paying for or supplementing your children’s and grandchildren’s college education, In case you haven’t heard, many universities in the Northeast and Washington State are offering accredited classes on “Taylor Swift.” yes, that one. There is no planned curriculum or testing, just hysterical discussions and listening to her screeching music. Students must bring their own auto-tune devices so the rest of the class can understand the coded “swift-ease” language. As for the folks paying for the little darlings’ education? Well, your daughter is a moron and will likely be living at home in her childhood bedroom until you pass on and leave her the house and your 1996 Buick. At least the Dixie Chicks and Alanis Morrisette could actually sing.

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Travels Without Charley


A few weeks back, MoMo and I traded our Honda CRV for a Honda Ridgeline pickup truck. I know, the looks I get from the boys in the Cummins Diesel and the giant GMCs. We would have bought a larger truck but neither of us can climb a ladder to get into the darn thing. They can laugh all they want, we are comfortable. The reason for the truck is to pull an RV trailer and visit our American National Parks. There are so many in Texas, that it will take at least a few years. Terlingua in the Big Bend, Marfa, and Fort Stockton are just a few calling our name. John Steinbeck wrote “Travels With Charley” back in the sixties. He and his poodle crisscrossed America in a pickup with a camper over the bed. He wanted to see his country as it was before it changed into something he feared was coming. The book is a masterpiece, and MoMo and I will be taking a cue from Mr. Stienbeck, but without Charley.

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Show A Little Kindness And Respect


I wrote this story a year ago but thought it would be appropriate to re-publish it today.

Last Saturday, before Memorial Day, my wife MoMo and I stopped at one of our local McDonalds for a sausage McMuffin and a Coke. Breakfast for two for under six bucks. We were on our way to Fort Worth for some items I can’t recall at this moment, but we often make the trip because our hometown, Granbury, Texas, is small, and the only place to buy things is Walmart and H.E.B. for food. I would as soon take a licking from a Cocaine Bear than shop at Walmart, but I give in, and we do; everyone in town eventually has to.

Sitting and eating our meager breakfast sandwich and sharing a Coke, I noticed an old man sitting alone at a corner table. I’m now officially an old man, but this fellow looked to be in his nineties. He wore a black ball cap that read; “Korean War Veteran” and a tee shirt with the American flag on the front; a walking Kane rested on the seat next to him. He wasn’t eating, although a sandwich and a cup of coffee were on his tray. The old fellow was unkempt and needed a shave, and his clothes showed signs that he likely lived alone and felt no need to spiff himself up for a trip to McDonald’s.

My wife says I say things that will one day get me maimed, shot, or worse, and yes, she is right. Outspokenness is a trait I tote in my back pocket, and it gets me in hot water with friends and relatives.

I got up, walking stick in hand, hobbled over to the old fellow, and asked if the folks in the kitchen got his order wrong? He replied that they had given him a more expensive sandwich and charged him more than he could afford, and he couldn’t eat eggs anymore, but it was okay; he would just drink his coffee and leave. Disrespect for our veterans, especially our older ones, who will soon be nothing but an old photograph on someone’s mantel runs deep in our society. The younger people have no idea the sacrifices these men and women made so they could drive their Teslas and keep their faces in an iPhone all day. This was one of the moments my wife MoMo frequently warns me of.

I asked to speak to the manager, a young Hispanic woman, maybe mid-twenties. I wasn’t looking for a fight or to berate anyone, but only to remind this business to treat our veterans with the respect they have earned and deserve. I wasn’t rude but direct, and I shamed her for overcharging him, and they should refund his money and apologize. She was shocked that one of her employees had committed this sin. She said she would make it right by him, but by then, he had emptied his tray into the trash can and walked out. If I ever cross paths with him again, I will buy him a big breakfast and maybe visit for a while; I bet he has some great stories to tell.