Ask A Texan: Does Burger King Still Give Away Those Crowns?


Mostley irritating advice from an old guy that’s seen too much
The Texan

Yes, Dear Hearts, famous words from my favorite comedian, imagine 60 billion American people leaving their jobs, their homes, dyeing their hair odd colors, wearing clothing straight from the Goodwill Store, and crawling like babies, riding buses, planes, cars, electric scooters, skateboards, roller skates, 5 K runs, etc., and making their way to every major city in the US to protest a man who has done miraculous things for our country. The Burger King in our town closed, or I would have worn my cardboard crown all day.

Now, to even things up, the conservatives, you know those folks, the ones who have jobs in the private sector, go to church and praise the only real king that will soon be returning, and will be plenty pissed off. Let’s get those 60 billion other folks to hold a nice day of protest to celebrate Obama and Biden and all of their stellar accomplishments. Isn’t AI amazing? How can you take a small crowd and, with a computer, turn it into the largest rally in the world? Gotta love AI and how it’s ruining the world.

Ask A Texan: Did We Think This Would Not Happen? Welcome To Never..Never Land And Do You Want Peter Pan With Welches Jelly On That Sandwich?


Loosely Dispensed Common Sense Advice And Commentary Shot From The Well Armed Hip Of A Old Texan That’s Seen Too Much And Doesn’t Give A Rats Ass What Other Folks Think, Or Eat

The Texan

It took Forty-Eight Years for the Death to America and the Great Satan Party to take over the Middle East, like those morally depraved little shits took over Daytona Beach a few days ago and literally ruined the once nice state of Florida. Iran’s murdering demon-possessed regime robe-wearing ass is kicked so hard their butt is in their throat, but yet they keep issuing threats, shooting off those cute little Chinese and Russian missiles, and now claim they will nuke Israel, the UK, most of Europe, a good portion of the Middle East, and of course, America. I am anxiously awaiting what Elon Musk has in store for them. How many presidents in 48 years said they would be a problem to be dealt with, but kicked that Wolf Brand Chili can on down the dirt road for the next delegation of thieving, lying, scum-sucking politicians to deal with. FDR, the two Bushes, one fully grown to size of a Scotch Pine Christmas Tree, and the other a puny shrub planted in too much shade, gave a half baked attempt, Regan got a few things done, Carter made everything worse, Ross Perot ran scared and said screw it, Clinton took the white house to a new low in history, Nixon..nuff said about him, Obama gave his magic carpet riding bunch of cut -throat brethren billions in cash, and Biden tried to take most of it back.

Truman had the balls to use the big firecrackers, Churchill had the guts, and a country full of English, Scottish, Irish, and Celtic patriots behind him, and Margaret Thatcher was likely the toughest of them all. Now we have a president who clearly sees this must be dealt with, or Jesus will be coming within the next six weeks, and he will be plenty pissed off upon arrival.

Momo and I are not afraid of the nuke over downtown Fort Worth, we would sit in our backyard with a nice whiskey and put on the Solar sunglasses we purchased at 7-11 as our bodies are char-broiled to Texas BBQ perfection. I recently purchased some 6666 BBQ Rub from Taylor Sheridan’s Ranch in West Texas.

I’ve become testier in my old age. The IRS has been holding our 2024 tax refund for a year now because we overpaid them, and they can’t bring themselves to give it back to us, saying we committed fraud. Fraud against whom, ourselves? I hate every politician on all sides. You bet if I could pull it off, I would jump at a $185K a year job and leave a few years later having accomplished nothing and pull a wagon load of 30 Million to the bank, that’s the real reason these narcissistic bottom dwellers run for office and try and stay in as long as modern medicine can keep replacing their bodily parts. Greed and Power, once that rhinestone-encrusted crown is put upon their head, it’s almost impossible to relinquish it to another greedy bandit: one size fits all. God has a plan for them, and I hope I get to witness their time out and try to bullshit God, who my pastor says has a good sense of humor and won’t be afraid to use it.

The US has more oil than the Middle East times ten, so these high gas prices are driven by the stock market and speculators, denizens from the depths, and yes, Quint will need a bigger boat to land those bastards. Enjoy that PB&J sandwich and that glass of Jim Beam. Sorry about all the swear words in this post, I told you I was getting testier and meaner these days.

Music, Worship And War: Ask A Texan


The Texan on his first typewriter that took two adults and a child to lift….Note the resemblance to Earnest Hemingway

Down Home Often Correct Advice And Old School Teachings For Folks That Live In Other States And Want To Move Here…Please Don’t. We Already Have Too Many Californians and New Yorkers, and There Is No Parking Left at Walmart or H.E.B.

After a rousing set of worship songs yesterday at our Generations Church, myself on my little mandolin, Eric on bass, Momo singing with Isabella and Ester vocals and acoustic guitar, Larry on Sax and Clarinet, Sandy on Cello, Ephraim on drums, and his daughter Victoria on keys, Monday morning is always a let down, coming off of a great set of worship music and Pastor Alan lighting up the church, like a Texas A&M bonfire, plus the spaghetti lunch and bake sale for the youth. I’m plum wore out and already need another nap.

Then I turn on the news, and reality hits me in the face like a Soupy Sales cream pie distributed by White Fang or Black Tooth. For those too young for real comedy, Soupy had a live TV show back in the early 1960s that actually was funny and made us laugh, much like the Three Stooges poking each other in the eyes. I almost blinded my best buddy, not knowing that Moe poked Curley in the forehead, not his real eyes. I am still amazed I made it to this age without being disabled or permanently disfigured. Momo says I still have time left to accomplish both.

World War 3 is in full swing and living color, minute-by-minute coverage of what Iran is planning for Israel and the rest of the Middle East, not to mention the good old USA, which is just a short missile hop from Tehran. Does the current Ayatollah think that he is safe from a smart drone missile that has more brain power than his entire staff of twelfth-century Zealots?

Maya Sharona, the on-site news person for NPR, was interviewing Iranians on the street. One group of young women was without their head-to-toe tents with eye holes, long hair flowing, full face makeup, smoking cigarettes, drinking a beer, and cursing the current regime. Ms. Sharona asked one of them whether they were excited that the current Ayatollah was on the run and that Iran might be free again. The young lady replied, ” We are ecstatic that we may return to the 70s again, we all have our Sony Walkmans and bell-bottom jeans ready, and Jane Fonda workout tapes are on sale at the bookstore, and oh yes, Death To America, but we really don’t mean that, it’s what we were taught to yell in school. God bless the USA and Sydney Sweeney. “

There is an old Texas saying that I still use to this day: “Hide and Watch.” Which, according to my late, late, late, and wizened old grandfather, meant hide behind a rock or a wagon and watch what happens when a few cowboys or a group of Indians on ponies try to attack a bunch of pioneers armed with Winchester repeating rifles. Sometimes it’s just best to peek over the edge of the rock and wait for the results before you get involved in the fray. I’ve got the Winchester and the pistols, and there are a lot of rocks around my hilly, rocky mountain home, so Momo has the Jiffy Pop ready, and we are stocked up on Dr. Peppers. Stay tuned, and Paul Harvey used to say, “Good day.”

Happy Trails From The Alamo and Demon Rats Visit The Ayatollah


My first and last speech at the Sons of the Alamo Lodge No. 2 was a rousing lesson in humility; my own. I will admit my prep work was on the shabby side because my few remaining female cousins have taken my name off their Rolodexes and cell phones. I didn’t see the harm in using them in my stories about our childhoods; they were always shown in a good light to avoid tarnishing their social standing in their hometown. Reams of notes, old photos, and orated stories from my mother and granny were the fodder for my historical ramble.

Daniel Crockett, the great-great-great-and even greater grandson, and the grandiose Grand Poohbah of the lodge, accused me of blasphemy because I insinuated that old Davy and Jim Bowie were drunkards. I reminded him that the book written by Veronica Baird confirmed that not only were they affectionately fond of the home-distilled sauce, they also smoked an Indian peace pipe stuffed with loco weed. Nothing like historical truth to bring the wrath of Texas upon you. I have been informed by a certified FedEx delivered rolled parchment letter, sealed with hot wax from candles found in the old mission, that I am on probation within the lodge for insulting historical heresy. I called my good buddy, Mooch, and laid out the scenario, and he volunteered to cut the tires and sugar the gas tank of the Grand Poohbah’s Suburban in retaliation. I will admit, it does sound like a good plan, and Mooch is just enough of a red-neck to pull it off. Before I pull the trigger on this one, I will consult my Pastor on whether this type of revenge is a Hell-bound offense.

The Rat War is in its final days, just as the Iran war with the entire world is hitting its stride. Foam removal from the hot tub’s interior is complete, and no rodents are present; only the damage caused by their excessive chewing. I haven’t bothered to check for carcasses in the woods because the Copperheads and Rattlesnakes are active, but gauging from the amount of the delicious poison consumed from the Martha Stewart Designer Rat trap, they have likely gone to La-La Land, or wherever pestilence goes after death. Wonder how the Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khomeini feels about demon Rats from Hell running up his robe? Yikes!

Speaking Of The Famous Battle, And The Sons Of The Alamo Lodge


I am not a talented orator, so being asked to speak from the lodge podium is an honor of the highest order. I am preverbally stuck in the first degree of The Sons Of The Alamo Lodge, which is an offshoot of the Masons, but without the secrecy and historic scandals. To be a member, a relative had to have died in the battle against Santa Anna. My great, great, great, and late, cousin, Tiberius Straughn, on my father’s side of the family, was my ticket into the hallowed halls of Texas history.

The Grand Poohbah of the lodge asked me to keep my remarks, or speech, or story, whichever blurted out, on track with what the lodge stands for, Sons of the Alamo, of course. My speech was more of a story, starting with the Alamo and blending into my family’s deep and troubled Texas roots. The lodge was full of members, not so much to hear my spiel, but it was all you can eat Catfish and Bingo and free beer night, so I made the best of it. I put on my made-in-China coonskin cap and stepped to the podium. Half of the hall was full, Chinette plates of Catfish and cornbread balanced on their laps, and a cold brew sitting on the floor next to their feet.

My mother, the family historian by default, didn’t see the need to preserve any part of her or my fathers ancestry in writing, and knew little of my fathers great great great, late, cousin Tiberius Straughn’s life, except that he was a baker of bread and pastry delights by trade, and friends with Gustav Shiner, the founder of Shiner Beer, Angus Stiles Sr, the famous BBQ founder, and a special close friend of another baker, Veronica Baird, the mother of the Texas bread dynasty. Tiberius and Veronica were rumored to have been a couple before and during the battle. She suspected there may have been some minga-minga behind the adobe ovens, or in the powder keg room, which was a gamble if a candle was used to illuminate the frolic.

She and Tiberius, while not pawing each other, made bread for the ragtag Texan army, while Angus Stiles served up some delightful chef’s surprise meats, and Gustav cracked a keg or two of his delicious beer. I imagine that if they knew they were destined to die, why not do it on a full stomach and a nice buzz? The three men perished in the battle, but Veronica, along with the other women, was given a free pass out of the decimated fortress. So that is why I am a member of the lodge and have now been invited to speak.

My mother, without my fathers permission, didn’t sugarcoat Tiberius’s exploits and grouped him in with the other worthless wanderers on her and my father’s side of the family. He was a cad, a gambler, a womanizer, a liar, a horse thief, a half-assed writer, and a hopeless romantic and petulant drunk, so he fitted in with most of the defenders, especially Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett, both fond of their home-stilled sour mash bourbon and smooth Tennessee Whiskey.

So, as I sat at my desk into the wee hours of the morning, flipping through pages of notes from conversations with relatives and family friends, and from ancestry research, I found a small treasure chest of information that can be tied into my oratory debut.

On my mother’s side of the family, my Grandmother, Marcy, was born and raised on the Cherokee Reservation in Oklahoma. Her father was a Deputy Marshal who worked out of Fort Smith, Arkansas, and was running buddies with Bass Reeves, the first black Marshal in history. That would make Bass and Tonto the first minorities to hold high historical positions. I can imagine it grated on The Lone Ranger that Tonto always knew where the outlaws were hiding by simply holding a wet finger to the wind or putting his ear to the ground, plus he had a great head of long dark hair, and family said old Lone had a bad case of ocular acne around the eyes, so that explained the mask. My great-grandfather was one mean Indian sumbitch, and had so many notches on the handle of his Colt that it gave him a palm rash. My grandmother, still a teen and before she married, was rumored to have had many moonlight walks along the banks of the Canadian River with the famous Chief Quanah Parker and to have been running buddies with Tiberius offspring, the infamous outlaw Belle Starr, the granddaughter of the departed Alamo hero, Tiberius Straughn, which was somehow, through blood relations, or irreputable relations, tied into my fathers family, Mother was never quire sure of how it worked out, and didn’t care to know. My grandmother showed Belle how to make Buffalo Blood Pudding and Dutch oven biscuits, and Belle taught my granny how to fast-draw and fire a pistol. Granny caught the mischievous chief in a delicate position with Belle and, out of meanness, shot off Quanah’s pinky toe, right through his custom-made Buffalo hide boot.

Tiberius, before he made his way to the Alamo, traveled with Lewis and Clark up the Missouri River into no-man’s-land and, being part Indian but mostly Scottish, was able to communicate with the somewhat friendly tribes they encountered. Not all the Indians were jovial, and Lewis and Clarke had to dispel many of the ornery ones.

Cousin Tiberius’s favorite Indian lady was Sacagawea, a stunning young Shoshone woman who joined the expedition as an interpreter and guide. Long dark hair that glistened in the sun, high cheekbones, deep green eyes, and a strong but curvy figure. She was a knockout dressed in those buckskins. Tiberius was smitten to the point of lustful stupidity, allowing his youthful obsession with Sacagawea to affect his duties, so Lewis and Clarke relieved him of his charge and sent him back down the river in a borrowed bark canoe. A few years later, he found himself in South Central Texas, baking buckwheat bread and sticky cinnamon buns for the new Texians coming from the east. By chance, he ran into an old acquaintance, David Crockett, and his band of long rifle Tennesseans, who convinced Tiberius to join up with them to help with a little skirmish down in south Texas at a little mission called the Alamo. Tiberius, still smarting from a broken heart, felt obliged to join up with the gang of rabble-rousers.

Upon arrival through the gates of the mission, Tiberius figured old Davy had sold him a bag of rotten apples: this was no small squirmish, but a certain death sentence. Across the shallow San Antonio river, thousands of Mexican grenadiers sat polishing their bayonets, eating frijoles, tacos, and singing songs, all fueled by a few wagon loads of Tequila and loco weed. El Rancho Grande seemed to be the favorite sing-along led by General Santa Anna playing his gut-string Spanish guitar. Tiberius quickly converted an old adobe oven to bake some bread and rolls, and Stiles cooked up a few hogs and served the hungry army the first BBQ sandwiches in Texas: Angus Shiner furnished the beer. Veronica Baird, having known Tiberius for a year or so, sneaked down to the river, had a bath, washed her hair with lye soap, and waltzed around from behind the oven, giving Tiberius the shock of his life: Sacagawea was now a footnote in history. Who could resist a woman who smelled like a cinnamon bun?

The next few days were intense. Bullets flew, cannon balls exploded, Mexicans climbed ladders up the outside mission walls only to be repelled, but resistance could only last so long, and the enemy army breached the walls and sat about killing all the Texans. Tiberius, Augustus, and Stiles fought with all they had, laddels, spoons, knives, baker’s paddles, kicking and biting, but in the end, they were killed. Veronica Baird, along with the other women were spared and escorted from the mission. Veronica spotted Santa Anna about to take a bite from one of her cinnamon buns, grabbed a rock, chunked it, and knocked the delicacy from the general’s hand. His dog, Mucho Pero, ate the bun in one gulp. My recollection might not be the most bravado exploit, but it got me into the lodge and a coonskin cap.

Armageddon Is Upon Us…The Last Days of Texas


I am not a snow person, nor an ice one. Cold weather is fine for a while, but then I want to be bathed in the warmth of the sun (Brian Wilson). But then, in Texas, the sun’s warmth means cooking alive in 100-plus-degree heat. So, living in Texas is for tough folks. Alas, the winter snow and ice Armageddon is about to return in two days; the last one was in 2021 and crippled the state for a week.

Momo and I stopped by our HEB for a few items this afternoon, and that was a mistake. The place was like a zombie apocalypse: folks fighting and snarling over the last loaf of bread, fists flying in the aisles over Hamburger Helper, and riots at the frozen pizza case. It was all entertaining, watching my fellow Texans act like, well, crazed Texans. We don’t do well when bad winter weather is approaching, and even worse once it arrives. My truck has All Wheel Drive, so I’m good with the snow, but not the ice storms, then we stay in and watch 1883 or 1923 again.

Momo is already fretting about missing church on Sunday because of the storm. I told her that God will understand, after all, he’s the one who created this lousy weather and is sending it our way. I stocked up on extra bird seed and peanuts for the Crows, Blue Jays, and now the pesky Squirrel has returned and found the relocated bird feeders, so it’s back to war with the little nut-breath. The Racoons, Possum, and Skunk are still visiting nightly, enjoying their cafeteria of dog food and sliced apples. My backyard is the equivalent of Luby’s for critters. Now, a Coyote has been coming around, but I have roadrunners on the property, so we’ll see how that plays out.

I’ll post some pictures of the end of Texas as we know it, if and when it happens…if we survive.

Henry’s Journey: Cattle, Family, A Cow Dog, and the Brazos River


The Brazos River winds its way through the stoic rock cliffs a mile east of the small village of Glenrose, Texas, its waters glinting like scattered stars as the sun throws its golden light upon the white limestone bedrock beneath the water. In the tranquil shallows and deeper pools, hues of emerald and azure spiral together, mirroring the darting fish that traverse the hidden world below. Eagles and Hawks prowl the sky above, capturing the fish that swim too close to the surface. Towering Oak, Pecan, and Elm trees stand as steadfast guardians along the banks, their roots deep in the fertile soil, while just beyond, the land erupts in a profusion of wildflowers, a testament to the beauty and resilience of this little patch of earth. This is the land that Henry’s family chose as their homestead.

In the shadows of the towering hills, wide stretches of grasslands unfold, a realm where cattle and deer roam free, finding solace in the abundance that the land offers. Here, the grass is plentiful, and competition is not considered. The earth yields enough to sustain all who seek its bounty. Mesquite trees stand in tight groves, their gnarled limbs ready to provide the firewood for warmth and light for the ranch house. Henry thanks God every day that his family chose this little slice of Heaven so many decades ago, when Texas was newly freed from Mexico and formed into a Republic. His family and the Comanches made friends early on, sharing the bounty of the land and feeding the tribe with a beef or two when needed. It was a choice of peace over bloodshed and battle.

Henry’s two boys left the ranch years ago. His youngest works as a deputy in Fort Worth, an honorable but dangerous profession. His oldest boy is a gambler and a scoundrel, and haunts the saloons and gambling halls of New Orleans and Houston, making a shady wage and living an abhorrent lifestyle. Abigail, his wife, pines for a reunion with her boys, but they have been without her loving touch for many years. She is old, sick, and frail, and Henry fears each day might be her last, so he doesn’t travel far from the house and checks on her often during the workday. Henry is older than her, and he’s no spring chicken. His days of ranching and sitting in a saddle will be ending soon.

Cattle are made for roaming; it’s their inherent nature. Cowboys are made for finding and securing the unruly bovines; it’s a circle game played out daily. Henry is missing twelve, maybe thirteen, and two calves, all Longhorns. He knows they are drawn to the river; they smell the wetness and know that the grass is sweetest near the banks, and the spreading Oaks offer a safe respite when night comes. He sent his ranch hand West to search, but he knew they likely headed East to the river.

Henry picks up the cattle tracks in the soft sandy soil, heading to the river. He follows for a few miles to the West bank of the Brazos. There, they crossed in water no more than a foot deep, but swift enough to take a man off his feet. Across the river, maybe thirty yards, he sees their exit up a steep incline next to a sharp cliff that drops off to the right, large rocks scattered along the bank below, and trapped broken tree trunks and limbs reside there among the stones. The trees are thick on the left, so there is no option but the one the cattle took. Henry gives them credit for being smart enough to figure it out. They cross with no effort. Witherspoon, his old horse, knows about as much as a ranch horse could learn. Henry considers him smarter than many of the men he knows. They start up the incline, which is steeper than it appeared from the other bank. Witherspoon struggles, slipping on the soft earth and gravel, and rolls to the right. Henry knows they are falling, and it won’t be a soft one. He grabs the saddle horn and braces for the impact as they fall backwards off the cliff.

When Henry opens his eyes, the sky looks a color of blue he is not familiar with. Deep Azure, not the familiar soft blue. He is flat on his back, lying atop stones. He doesn’t feel pain and figures he escaped injury. Witherspoon, his horse, grazes near the face of the cliff they fell from; he appears uninjured as well. He raises himself up on his elbows. From the left side, a dog approaches, tail wagging. Henry is shocked; it’s his cow dog, Buster, gone for three months now. Henry was sure a pack of coyotes got him, but here he is, now licking his face in between joyful whines. Abigail will be pleased as punch to see Buster back home. She mourned for weeks, assuming he had passed.

Witherspoon is in good shape, not a scratch on him, so he mounts, and Buster leads the way up the incline. This time, it’s an easy climb, and they continue down the path, Buster following the tracks and stopping ever so often to look back and bark to let Henry know the way.

The three come upon a man leaning on a broken gate. The wood of the gate is in poor shape. The man is dressed in city clothes, sharp and clean, boots shined and a snazzy derby perched on his head. Henry has been in these parts many times and doesn’t remember this place.

The man motions his hand and says, ” Howdy neighbor, what brings you to these parts?

” Looking for some strays that crossed the river maybe yesterday or the day before, you seen them” Henry says. Buster sits on his bollocks, ears low, hair on his back up: it’s clear this is not a nice fellow. Henry trusts his dog’s instincts, which are always right.

” Had some strays here a few days ago, just walked right in the gate and up to the main house, you’re welcome to come and see if they are yours. I’ve got some good corn liquor if you’d like a jolt, but the dog has to stay at the gate, no dogs allowed on this spread, they cause too much trouble,” says the man with a broad, fake smile. Buster lowers his body and snarls, emitting a low growl.

Henry looks at the entrance, the tracks must be at least a few weeks old, and the rain has almost vanished them. He says,” No thanks, my dog has picked up their scent and tracks, and they lead on up the road, so we’ll be moseying along.”

” Suit yourself, neighbor, if you don’t find them, you can come to the main house, but the dog isn’t welcome.” The man turns and leaves as Henry moves Witherspoon along the tracks that Buster has picked up.

A few miles down the road, Henry comes upon another gate. A young woman is replacing the hinges. She has a toolbox and has clearly been working hard. Her clothes are a bit dirty, her boots are worn, and her straw hat has seen better days. Without hesitation, Buster goes to her and she bends down and gives him a hug, he whines and licks her face.

She puts down her tool and says, ” Bet you’re looking for those Longhorns that came by this morning, twelve of them, with two calves. They walked right in the gate and up to the barn. I put them in a holding pen. I figured someone would come looking. Why don’t you and your cow dog follow me up to the barn, and I’ll give ya’ll a cool drink of water, and Cookie might have a biscuit or two left from breakfast if you’re hungry. Why don’t you dismount and walk with me up to the main house?”

Henry and Buster walk beside her, Witherspoon in tow. The road is well kept, the trees lining the road are healthy and green, and some are bursting with fruit, Apples, Pears, Peaches, Mulberries, and the wild flowers are as abundant and colorful as he has ever seen. In the distance he sees the main house. It’s a sprawling place, maybe three or four stories, painted white and trimmed in gold. There are dozens of folks sitting in chairs under the covered porch. Dogs and children play on the lawn. Buster takes off down the road to join in with them.

The young woman takes off her leather gloves, offers a hand to Henry, and says, ” Howdy, my name is Angela. This ain’t my place, it belongs to my Father. You must be Henry and your cow dog must be Buster, right?”

Henry shakes her hand. Her face is beaming, glowing in the afternoon light. Bright blue eyes, silky brown hair, and the whitest teeth he’s ever seen on a person. He says, ” Angela, how do you know my name? I don’t recall telling you yet. I can’t stay long. I’ll collect my strays and need to head back. My wife is sickly, and I’ve been gone too long as it is. I worry about her, and she doesn’t need the misery of thinking something happened to me.”

Angela moves closer to Henry and takes his hand in hers as they stroll down the road. She says, ” Henry, we’ve been expecting you, Witherspoon, and Buster for a while now, and don’t worry too much about Abigail, she’ll be along shortly. Ain’t this place just a slice of Heaven.”

Ask A Texan: Dealing With Those Pesky Californians


Good Downhome And Often Practical Advice For Those Folks That Think They Know Everything..

The Texan

This Texan received a letter written on the back of a Braum’s paper grocery bag. Braums has the second-best ice cream ( Bluebell is the top dog) and A2 milk in Texas, and a lot of folks shop there just to collect the sturdy, no-nonsense retro brown paper bags with sturdy handles, me included. It seems that a Mr. Oliver Douglas of Waco, Texas, has a problem with his new neighbors, who moved from California after purchasing the ranchette next to his farm, Green Acres.

Mr. Douglas: I saw your advice column advertised at the local H.E.B. in the grilling section next to the charcoal bags. The full-size cardboard cutout of you looked really nice, and I thought if you use and endorse that brand of local charcoal nuggets, then I’ll try them too. Anyhow, that’s not why I’m writing to you. My new neighbors, Chip and Brie Romero, moved in next door about two months ago. Chip, the husband, is the great-grandson of Ceaser Romero, the famous dead actor. They, like thousands of others, fled that third-world commie country of California and came to our blessed state of Texas to start a new life, and who could blame them? I mean, that governor with the Clint Eastwood hair and the Robert Redford smile has ruined what was once a pretty good place to take a vacation and stare at the movie stars. My wife, Lisa, and her friend Lisa Ziffel spent a week of vacation out there in L.A. a few years back, trying to see Paul Newman and get his autograph. She was plum bummed out when she found out he had been dead for quite a while. But she did get to see two of those big butted Kardashian women on Rodeo Drive. She asked the most famous Kardashian woman how much she paid for those big butt cheek implants, and the bodyguard sprayed her with paparazzi pepper spray. Anyway, enough of that small talk.

Our neighbors want to be Texans in the worst way, but they are annoying Californians and will never be able to assimilate into our Texas culture. They drive a Tesla Cyber truck instead of a King Ranch pickup and have a fancy electric tractor for mowing their lawn.

They asked us over for supper: they called it a dinner party, but I call it supper. They served us white wine, some sushi(which is really catfish bait to me), some ugly, undercooked organic vegetables, tofu meatless patties, and almond milk ice cream on top of a gluten-free rice and kale shortcake. I tried to feed most of it to Verdell, their little weird-looking designer dog that hung out under their custom-made Himalayan wormwood outdoor kitchen table, but he took a few bites and puked it up on my new Justin boots. I gave the little pecker-wood a little kick with my boot for doing that, and Chip lost his crap and threw his glass of expensive white wine on my new Lucase pearl snap button shirt and was shrieking like a little girl, accusing me of trying to kill Verdell. His wife, Cheese Girl, is filming it all on her iPhone and calling their attorney back in La La land. My wife, Alma, doesn’t take crap from anybody, so she grabs Cheese Girl and throws her into their fancy Tibetan Monk-inspired meditation pond full of these big-assed Japanese meat-eating goldfish, and the fish start chewing on Cheese Girl. Eb, our farm hand, hears her screaming and comes to the rescue, throwing her a rope and pulling her out of the pond with his John Deere tractor. He had to drive it through their fancy bamboo fence to save her, and that sent Chip over the top. The meat-eating gold fish were still hanging onto her legs and torso and chomping on her, so Eb shoots them to pieces with his Colt pistol, and she’s screaming that those darn fish cost ten grand each and now he’s gonna have to pay for them, even though they were eating her like a rack of pork ribs. Things got worse. With the big hole in the bamboo fence, their herd of midget horses got out and took off into the woods, and haven’t been found yet. Arnold Ziffel, our intelligent farm pig, picked up their scent and tried to find them, but no luck yet. They have some of these exotic little Watusi Cows from Africa, and when they get scared or excited, they stand on their hind legs and dance the Watusi, which they did and danced right into the fancy meditation pond. The meat-eating goldfish got hold of them and left nothing but some bones and horns. Now we’re being sued by their fancy lawyer for replacing the cows, the horses, and the goldfish. Mr. Haney, our friend, is acting as our lawyer. Got any suggestions on how to handle these two morons?

The Texan: Well, Mr. Douglas, it appears that Green Acres is the place to be, and those Californians with all their valley speak and weird ways couldn’t resist moving to Texas and bringing their genetic baggage with them. A good friend of mine lived in a little town called Petticoat Junction, not too far from where you live. A family of Californians moved in by him, and the lecherous husband kept trying to get my cousins’ three gorgeous daughters out of that water tank and into his hot tub for some bubbly California fun fun fun. His cousin, Jethro Bodine, finally had to shoot the sucker, and the rest of the family got the hint and moved back to Beverley Hills. Californians are akin to folks from the Middle East: they just can’t assimilate and don’t get how we Texans live and the code of the West. I’ll send you Jethro’s cell phone number, and he might be able to help you out. I’m also sending you a CD of one of my favorite movies, ” High Noon,” and two large boxes of cherry bombs so you can use them to make those Californians scat back to La La Land. God Bless Texas and Davy Crockett.

Tall Tales From Texas: The Legend of The Mountain Boomers of The Santa Anna Mountain


At seven years old, I learned of my first, but far from the last, Texas legend. The best storytellers and liars I ever knew were my two uncles on my mother’s side of the family, Uncles Bill and Jay Manley. They are the ones who told my cousins and me about Santa Anna’s “Mountain Boomers.” My mother believed the two ruined me and turned me into a liar and teller of tall tales, which is not such a bad thing.

The Mountain Boomers were giant lizards that ran on two legs and came down from their lair on Santa Anna Mountain in search of food. Anything would do, but they were partial to goats, wild pigs, small cows, chickens, and tiny humans. If you were caught outside in the wee morning hours, it was a sure bet a Mountain Boomer would get you. We, kids, were scared shitless of even going out of the farmhouse after dark. Now we had giant lizards and the dreaded Woolly Boogers to deal with.

With no air conditioning in the farmhouse, we were forced to sleep with the windows open and would lay in our beds shaking all night, waiting for the monsters to break through the window screen and carry us away. Our Granny was no help; her standard goodnight to us was ” sleep tight and don’t let the Mountain Boomers bite.”

Summer evenings on the farm were made for sitting on my grandparents’ covered porch, watching lightning bugs dance, listening to the crickets chirp, and catching the faraway howls of an occasional Coyote pack running the creek that passed through the pastures.

The sky was black as pitch, the Milky Way as white as talcum powder, and heat lighting in the West added to the drama of the evening. We kids were ripe for a big one, and my uncles never disappointed. First, homemade ice cream was eaten, then the cooler of Pearl Beer came out, and the stories commenced.

Already that June, my cousin Jerry and I had been to see the hero pig and the three-legged chickens and had learned of the dreaded Woolly Boogers. Hence, we needed a new adventure: our summer was losing air like a punctured tire: we were tiring of shooting chickens with our Daisy BB Guns, then getting our butts switched by Granny.

“Did you kids see that over there in the trees across the road? I think that might have been one of them Mountain Boomers,” says Uncle Bill, in between swigs of Pearl. Then, of course, we strained our eyes to see what he said he saw, but nothing. Then, a few moments later, “There it goes again, I tell you kids, that was one of them sumbitches running on two legs carrying a wild pig in its teeth.”

He had us firmly hooked and reeled in. Then he starts in on the story. Uncle Bill took a swig of Pearl and said,

” Right down this road here, about twenty years ago, a family’s car broke down, ran out of gas, I think. The daddy, a man I knew well, walked into town to find some help. He left his wife and small son in the car. It was late at night, so he figured they would sleep until he returned with some gas. The little boy got out of the car to pee alongside the road. His Momma heard him scream and came out of the car in a hurry: a 7-foot-tall Mountain Boomer was standing there with the little kid in its mouth. The poor boy was already almost chewed in half. His guts were hanging out and dragging on the ground. The big lizard took off running with the Momma chasing it. Another of them, Boomers, was hiding in the scrub brush and got her, too. A few days later, the sheriff found their bloody remains up on the mountain. They knew a Mountain Boomer had gotten them because they found their tracks. That’s why we never go outside after midnight around here.” My other cousins and I were almost pissing our pants.

When we stayed at the farm, I don’t believe any of us ever slept well again after that night. But, even after we were adults, my uncles swore the legend and the story were true. I still dream of them.

Ask A Texan: The Craze for Dubai Chocolates Is Taking Over The Country


The Texan

This Texan received a letter from a Mr. Atticus Finch from Greenbow, Alabama. Seems his wife, Maudie, has discovered Dubai Chocolates and has gone off the deep end.

Mr. Finch: Mr. Texan, I saw your article in the back pages of Flower of the Month Magazine at the hardware store that Miss Mayella runs. My wife of forty years, Maudie, went to The Walmart, bought some of these new Dubai Chocolates, fell in love with them, and now that’s all she eats. She’s bought about fifty boxes of them, and won’t eat anything that Calpurnia, our cook, made, so she quit. Now I’m down to eating supper from Chicken Express. Not only is she gaining a bunch of weight, but the doctor also said she now has type 3 Diabetes, a fatty liver, and a big brain worm. But that’s not the worst of it. Since these candies come from Dubai, one of them Arab countries, she now thinks she’s a Muslim. She loves her Walmart, so she buys a Pioneer Woman bathrobe, dyes it black, then some Martha Stewart scarves, wraps them around her head, pokes holes in them for eyes, and goes around town dressed like a Muslim woman. We were driving to church down Maycomb Blvd the other day, which is the busiest street in town, and she jumped out of the truck at the stoplight, threw her new Pioneer Woman bath mat onto the street, knelt down, and started chanting all this gibberish while eating a box of those Dubai candies. I’m afraid she might do something rash and become a terrorist woman. Our two grown children, Jean Louise and Jem, won’t bring the grandkids over anymore, and our two neighbors, Dill and Boo, won’t come out of their house because they’re scared of her. Needing some help here in Alabama.

The Texan: Well, Mr. Finch, you’re in a “dill pickle” of a mess there in Maycomb. I’ve heard those chocolates are causing some scary behavior among folks. I called a psychoanalyst friend of mine, Dr. Harper Gump, and she says that these new candies contain a concentration of a special nut oil that’s engineered to make folks want to be Muslims. I think it might be a plot by Al Qaeda to take over the country, one candy-loving woman at a time. My late father’s late, late uncle Orem, back in the prohibition days, drank a whole case of moonshine, and it affected him so bad that it turned him into a Baptist. So I guess sustenance and libations can affect folks adversely, turning them into something else. I would find a Priest to perform an exorcism and get that pesky brain worm demon out of her, and get rid of those candies. Buy her some of those Lady Godiva Chocolates. I’m sending ya’ll a CD of my favorite movie, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and a box of cherry bombs so you can blow those Dubai candies up. Keep in touch.