Posted on by Phil Strawn

Dispatches From The Cactus Patch 3/9/24


My late cousin, Chumly, is pictured above after he found his calling in shark training. Steven Speilberg employed him to wrangle his pen of sharks used in the movie Jaws. This is the last photo of Chum after he thought he had made friends with the lead shark. The only parts of Chum recovered were the sneakers and sunglasses.

My mother’s late uncle Zap was considered the inventor of the family. His most famous contribution was the ” Home Personal Hair Removal Wand,” which was the forerunner to Nair and other hair removal products that became household staples in the 1950s. Zap and his lovely wife, Yippie, a Harpers Bizzare hair model, are pictured here, demonstrating the device for the Fort Worth Press in their backyard pool in 1957. Her hair from the waist down was zapped away, but when she fell backward into the pool, she was rendered bald as a cue ball. The divorce came shortly afterward.

Pictured above is my cousin’s niece, Fifi, who, since the age of 16, has identified as a dog. After years of expensive therapy, her parents gave in and presented her with a custom-made Serta dog bed. The last report is that all was going well except for letting her out to pee twice a night and holding an umbrella over her when it’s raining.

Pictured above is my grandson’s Boy Scout Troop 33 1/3 of the Texas Longhorn Division, arriving at the Texas/Mexico border to support the National Guard. After arrival, they were issued Daisy BB guns and a towsack full of chunkable river rocks to fend off the invaders. Jesus Navidad, an illegal, after crawling through the razor wire, said, “Those Boy Scouts are mean little shits, and man, those BB guns and rocks hurt, I texted all my relatives and told them to stay home until they can catch a free flight to New York.”

My childhood neighbor, Mrs. Mister, in 1956, posing for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram after becoming the only female swimming instructor at the parks and recreation’s Forest Park Pool. Swimming lessons hit an all-time high that summer and the pool had a record year. I’m the goofy kid, bottom right, second up behind our right fielder, Rhonda.

Pictured above, around 1954, is my neighborhood milkman, Mr. Rock Pint. He was a swell guy who gave all of us kids free chocolate milk and ice cream sandwiches during the hot Texas summers. All the moms loved him, and many of the younger kids resembled Mr. Pint; must have been something in the milk?

Pictured above is a crowd photo from the Texas International Pop Festival, August 1969. I am in the center of the crowd, about thirty people back; Momo, my wife, is just to the right of the center, about forty people back. My buddy, Jarry, is the blond guy with the severe sunburn that required hospitalization, but the paramedics wouldn’t transport him until the Grand Funk Railroads set was over. I survived one-hundred-degree temperatures for three days and got to meet Janis Joplin one late night when this nice gal with a Texas twang asked me if she could cut in line as I was waiting to buy a hot dog. It took a minute for me to realize it was her, but I was cool; it was the sixties, man. That night, ole Janis “took a little piece of my heart, now baby.” Momo and I still get a good laugh and a few wheezes when we revisit those times. Our children and grandchildren will never be as cool as we were.

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16 Replies to “Dispatches From The Cactus Patch 3/9/24”

  1. It’s nice to see we have one more thing in common. We both have interesting families. The only difference is that you kept a photographic record of your family over the years — which was undoubtedly an expensive undertaking because photography has always been a high-cost enterprise.

    Me, not so much. I didn’t spend one red cent on a photo record of my family, but if you want to see pictures, you can go by the post office and check out the “most wanted” posters on the wall to the left of the business counter.

    No, no, your other left.

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    1. They still have those pictures at the mail store? My uncle was on their wall for many years, until he was caught and released, of course after they weighed and tagged him. I was blessed with a street-rat crazy family on both sides so my well is deep. Only a few remain kicking so I’m free to write about them.

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  3. One hopes Fifis everywhere are spayed. Re: Chum, the only thing less digestible than plastic is anything infused with Democratic party principles. Stupendous read. (I found my Maalox, so I can continue.) Wonderfully salty and twisted prose. Keep truckin.

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      1. Praise insomnia! You lose a bit of sleep, we get a great read. Tune in Meet the Press and nap in the recliner. Nothing left but to obey our domestic bosses, feed the dog, and mow yard, we have time for naps. Strategic brain cell refurbishing. Stay crazy man. It suits you and delights readers.

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      2. I believe what irked my teachers was that I had already read Twains novels by the fourth grade and was in transitition ( not like today) into Mark Twain. My aunt Norma was working on a white suit, I had the fake cigar and all I needed was a white wig of wild hair. Teachers back then, didn’t like weird-o’s or smart asses, of which I was both.

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  5. Dang too bad about Chum as I could use a good belt. I pretty sure I spotted you 30 rows back, just slightly to the right. You didn’t change much from the swimming lesson photo.
    This was a grand read! Thanks.

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    1. Thanks, Jack, yeah that was me. Momo had long hair so she was easy to spot, come to think of it, all the girls then had long hair, so it could have been someone else. Glad you enjoyed the read.

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