Maureen and I visited Luby’s Cafeteria last week for lunch. The smell of the food brought back memories from my childhood.
Back in the 1950s, in Fort Worth, there were Wyatt’s and Luby’s cafeterias. It was always a hard choice for the family. Luby’s had the best deserts, while Wyatt’s always served larger portions. My Dad usually chose Wyatt’s—more bang for the buck. It was the Eisenhower years, and things were tight. That’s back when he was still a Democrat. I was just a hungry kid.
We took our place in line, trays aligned on the metal rail. I scanned the extra-large menu board for my favorite dish but couldn’t find it. I panicked. The platter I came for and have always ordered for decades is “The Luanne Platter,” and they damn well better have it. My blood sugar was low, and I could feel a rant coming on. Maureen rubbed a few drops of “Peace of Mind” lotion under my nose to calm me. Then, in the lower corner of the board, I spotted it. ” The Luann Platter, half portions with a roll – $8.99.” What the hell! It used to be $4.99 with a roll, a drink, and a slice of pie? Retired folk can’t afford those prices.
I approached the smiling lady server and, using my best old man-controlled voice, said,
” I’m not paying $8.99 for a half portion that was $4.99 with a piece of pie the last time I ate at Luby’s,” and I slammed my fist on my tray for effect.
Still smiling, she replied,
” Well,, sir, then you can choose the children’s plate if you are over 65 and/or acting like a child, as of which you appear to be. You have a choice of chicken strips, a hot dog, or spaghetti with 2% milk and a fruit cup. That will set you back $4.99 plus tax. And by the way, The Luanne Platter has been $8.99 since 2001.”
Oh man, the little Pop-Tart was really messing with me now. Her smile had turned to a slight sneer, and her eyes got beady. I leaned over the glass barrier.
” Do you know who Luann Platter is, young lady?” I demanded.
” No, sir. Was she a famous cook or employee of the month or something?” she said. Good Lord, this girl is clueless.
By this point, two other line servers had flanked the young miss in case I went postal. I faced them and, with conviction, said,
” Luanne Platter is the most famous character on the television show, ” King of the Hill.” An animated series set in Garland, Texas, and this dish you serve is named for her. Don’t you know who Hank, Bobby, and Peggy Hill are?”
The three servers’ young faces showed social ignorance. It was useless to explain. I collected my platter, and we proceeded to the checkout.
We sat in our booth, eating our lunch in silence. The food wasn’t as good as it used to be. The good old days are gone for good. My turnip greens were Kale, the most evil weed ever cooked. Maureen’s chicken was rubber faux, and my corn muffin was doughy and awful. We can scratch this one off of our list.
Leaving the cafeteria, a fortyish blond woman in the Luby’s uniform held the door open for us. In a girlish voice, she said,
” Ya’ll come back now.” I noticed her name tag read “Luanne.”
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Notes From The Cactus Patch 
Young people may not know Hank, Bobby, and Peggy Hill from King of the Hill, but they can probably tell you all about Butters, Cartman, and Mr. Garrison from South Park. 🙂
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Great story, Phil. Last time I ate at Luby’s was in DeSoto in 1999. Coming from Virginia, I landed in DFW and had to drive my rental car to Belton. I spent most of the summer of ’99 in Bell County, from Killeen to Temple and everywhere in between. When I was growing up in Albuquerque, the go-to cafeteria was Furr’s. I always got halibut for some reason. Good to read ya. ~Ed.
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Fort Worth has one Luby’s left, not sure how long it will survive. Thanks for the words, Ed.
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I like both Kale (prepared variously) and Turnip or Collard Greens equally. But by damn when I order Collards they damned well better BE Collards.
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I was raised on Popeye Spinach, in the can variety. I also ate Collard and other greens. Back then, Kale didn’t exist, at least not in Texas. It appeared about the same time as Tofu and Latte’s.
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Woke Kale (Tofu Kale or Latte Kale) made me chuckle. New age effete Wokers ruin everything they touch – chicken wings (Buffalo), beer (pumpkin beer?) automobiles (City cowboy trucks at 60K a pop), even goddam Levi’s. Too long at the dance.
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Speaking of Levi’s, I found two pair of vintage 501 button fly at a thrift store, 7 bucks each, and they are in great shape. I snagged them.
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How the hell did that happen with all the “retro is new” going around? You musta got there as the donor dropped them on the table. Good for you.
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It was a lucky find. Same jeans I wore as a kid and a teenager, man they fit great. I also found an old JC Penny Towncraft shirt, likely from the 60s.
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I can see you’re a man on a journey to simplify your life — and that’s one Luby’s you’ll never have to revisit, and some folks would call that progress.
But don’t worry — you still have your Whataburger, Wal-Mart, CVS, Walgreens, ACE Hardware, Home Depot, Lowes, and the DMV. I don’t think the E.R. can keep you out, either, especially if you arrive by ambulance.
So cheer up … you’re making great progress; keep up the good work.
I’m now limited to stores without closed-circuit television cameras, and my life cannot get much simpler. It also helps that I can’t go places without my wife’s supervision.
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It’s a brotherhood, simplify, adjust, and accept.
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I was a Wyatts fan myself. Mainly, for the fried fish. It was one of our regular after church lunch places for years. Luby’s was good as well, and it was another place we ate fairly often.
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This is what they’re calling progress. It stinks! The kids dragged us to some grease pit called TGI Fridays; I knew before the food was even served it was going to be crapola and I was not wrong. That’s what you get when you go to a place where your shoes stick to the floor and the water glasses slide off the greasy table.
The only time I even remotely liked kale was when we dipped it in batter and deep fried it. Reminded me of a weed my mother used to make, a type of Sicilian rhubarb.
One of our grandsons is named Wyatt. Good, strong name.
Fun read, Phil.
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All the TGI’s in DFW closed, and for a good reason. Momo is like me, won’t touch the evil weed. We are still searching for a good replacement for Lubys.
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