Posted on by Phil Strawn

Ask A Texan 4.25.25


Serious advice for those who don’t live in Texas but wish they did.

Mr. Cletus Snow sent me an email seeking advice.

Cletus: Mr. Texan, I’m a long-haul trucker for Walmart out of Arkansas. My route takes me to Chicago, then to Minneapolis, then to Yellowstone, then to Arizona, and I wind up in Fort Worth. My dog, Bandit, and I are trucking 3,000 miles a week hauling Coors beer. I’ve developed a fatal case of hemorrhoids, and so does Bandit. Any suggestions on how to deal with all this mess. East Bound and Down.

The Texan: Mr. Snow, you have my sympathies. I, too, drove a truck for a while, and the biggest complaint I heard at the truck stops was the scourge of the Hems. I suggest you remove the driver’s seat and drive while standing up, thus relieving pressure on the sensitive area. I’ve got a good buddy who developed a cure for hemorrhoids when he was killing Viet Congs over in the Nam. He got his hands on a Vietnamese Death Pepper, the hottest pepper on the planet. It took him a while, but he invented a hot sauce that can cure almost anything. Since he is a Texan, too, he calls it “Davy Crockett’s Ass Cannon.” Believe me, I’ve seen it cure the lame, make a blind man see, give an old woman the body of a Hooters girl, and, of course, burn off those pesky hemorrhoids. I’m sending you a bottle. Keep in touch.

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12 Replies to “Ask A Texan 4.25.25”

  2. Mr. Texan, I have another question.

    Recently, at a truck stop I purchased some 2-day deodorant. My query now is how can I keep these pads under my arms for 48 hours?

    Signed, Kenworth B. Smelly

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  3. My next door neighbor is a retired Hooters girl. She’d like to buy a case of that stuff. But she has one concern. Will it give her a Kardashian ass? She has a petite butt, and doesn’t want to have to go out and buy a whole new set of extra large hot pants.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. From what I have witnessed, her petite bottom should remain intact. The only shocking side-effect I have seen is some gals eyes get big and buggy and they look like a Disney Princess, plus their sunglasses won’t cover their eyeballs anymore so they have to use those big wrap arounds that the eye doctor gives you. This stuff might cure that Kardashian bottom.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Mr. Texan,
    I bought some two day deodorant at a truck stop recently. How can I keep these pads under my arms for 48 hours?

    Signed, Kenworth B. Smelly

    Like

    1. Thanks. I enjoyed his show too as well as Mr. Wizard. Because of him, I became interested in science and received a real scientific lab set for Christmas, allowing me to blow up our garage and I wasn’t even breaking bad.

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Miss, Nancy, when my buddy Mooch dipped his pork rind in a bowl of the stuff, it was the aftereffects that burned of the hemorrhoids. I can only assume that a topical application would work also. Hope your friend is okay.

      Liked by 2 people

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