Posted on by Phil Strawn

Ask A Texan: Wife Tries to Sing Like Willie Nelson


Pretty Good Advice For Folks That Don’t Live In Texas, But Wishing They Did

The Texan

Mr. ET ( Ernest Tom ) Home from Roswell New Mexico sent this Texan a long letter written on a McDonald’s takeout food bag. His wife is attempting to become a country singer and has gone to extremes, and he’s hoping I can help.

ET Home: Mr. Texan, about a month ago, the wife, Willowmina, decided she was going to become a country songstress. Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but the poor gal, bless her heart, sounds like Phyllis Diller when she sings. Both cats have left home and the neighbors are knocking on our door, a lot. She see’s old Willy Nelson on the View and he’s bragging about how he gave Beyonce some of his strongest weed and it turned her into a country singer. Well, that’s all it took. Next day, we drive to Ruidoso and visit the Miss Dolly’s Weed Emporium and Desert Shop. The wife asked the young lady manager what is the best and strongest stuff she has from old Willy. She leads us into a back room, then into a closet and down some secret stairs into another little room. She hands her a small box and says this is the best stuff on planet earth: Willy’s “Hide And Watch” secret stuff. I hear it can be a life changer, and not always in a good way. Well, we take the stuff and go back to Alien city.

She’s been puffing away on that stuff for a while now, and I hear her singing in the shower, and will admit, she is getting better. Then about a week ago, she put her long gray hair in braids, put a bandanna on her head and starts playing songs on our granddaughters Taylor Swift plastic Ukulele. She’s starting to look like old Willy, face stubble and all, and I think I must be losing my marbles. So’s, I calls the daughter, Little Tator, and she drives down from Raton Pass, walks in the house looks at her mother and says, “You ain’t crazy Daddy, that’s Willy Nelson in a Pioneer Woman house robe and Pokemon slippers.” Looking for an answer here.

The Texan: Well, Mr. ET I was at a loss on this one so I called a friend of mine, Dr. Scaramouche at the Fred Mercury Hospital For The Deranged in Queens, NY. He says this derangement is new and becoming more common thanks to entertainers like Taylor Swift and the Kardashian clan. Folks think that by eating, drinking, ingesting things, or dressing like their idols, they can glam off their talent and become a version of them. Willy was right, Beyonce is about as country as Martha Stewart. I would start out by taking away the weed. If that doesn’t change things, you might consider buying a used tour bus and going “On The Road Again.” I hear it can be a lot of fun. Keep in touch, and I am sending her a box of Little Debbie snack cakes.

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22 Replies to “Ask A Texan: Wife Tries to Sing Like Willie Nelson”

  1. Nutty Buddies too. Go down good after a strong snort. (That’s what I’m told, I never do anything stronger than shredded wheat.) Excellent advice, excellent.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The governor of New York once declared Freddie Mercury “Queen of the Day” after he sang, “Home, home, I’m deranged, when dressed up and ready to play. Where seldom is heard a conservative word, and my judgment is cloudy all day…”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Just wondering-do you give out your fabulous professional advice for free? If so, I’ll spread the word so more people can get help and Little Debbie snack cakes. Would you mind if they contacted you just for the snack cakes? Please advise.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sure thing, Nancy. Everything goes better with Little Debbie and Hostess snack cakes. Also cherry bombs. Feel free to have anyone contact me. I’m setting up a special secret email for advice questions. I can be reached by phone at BR-549, ask for Junior.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. When I start with the SD, I typed reports with two fingers. Since have developed haff-asked touch typing technique. Understand though. Mo-mo can’t transcribe your notes?

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  11. Phil…speaking of Willy…I’ll be seeing him for the first time next Wednesday in Franklin TN with Bob Dylan.

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