Fancy Advice For Folks That Don’t Live In Texas, But wish’un They Did
This Texan received a letter from Mr. Merle T. Haggaurd of Muskogee, Oklahoma. It seems that his wife and her pet kitty have gone off the deep end of the Red River.
Mr. Haggard: About a month back, my wife’s pet kitty, Toonsis, appeared to have a nervous feline type of breakdown. I don’t know a lick about cats, being a dog person, so Reba, my wife, took the cat to a vet. It turns out the kitty did have a feline breakdown, and the vet suggested we take it to a specialized animal behavioral clinic in Austin, Texas. The only thing I know about Austin is that’s where Willy, Waylon, and the boys hung out, and it’s full of old dope-smoking hippie types. Me, I’m more of an Okie from Muskogee and a manly footwear-wearing feller. The doctor examined Toonsis and said she could fix her right up. She did say that this clinic is a LBGJQYST facility, which we had no idea what she meant by that. About a month went by, and two days ago, we got a call to pick up the kitty, so we headed down to Austin to retrieve Reba’s good-as-new cat. Driving into town, we noticed all these strange folks marching around carrying rainbow-looking flags, blocking traffic and spray painting little slogans on buildings and folks cars, and a lot of the buildings were draped in the same type of colors. We thought maybe we missed a national holiday or something. The hotel clerk got really upset with me when I asked what all these people with rainbow flags were doing. He squealed, “Don’t you know it’s Pride month?” I say, ” Well no, I’m as about as full of pride as any American and I didn’t know we had a month for it.” The next morning, we go to the clinic, and they trot out little Toonsis. She’s dressed in a rainbow kitty sweater and has pierced ears and eyebrows, and her fur is dyed purple and green, just like the doctor’s hair. The doctor says the cat is now identifying as an LBGQYST animal and now demands special rights and privileges. I pay Dr whacko the $2,000 dollar fee, and we take the new and not-so-improved Toonsis back to Muskogee. Did the missus and I miss something? Was there a cultural shift, or are all the folks down in Austin just plain weird? I’m enclosing a picture of Toonsis, who now prefers to be known as “It.”
The Texan: Well, Mr. Haggaurd, I wish you’d contacted me before taking Toonsis to Crazy Town. We, normal, gun-toting, beer-drinking, Bible-carrying rational folks in Texas, don’t consider Austin a part of our state. When Willy, Waylon, and the boys left, it went to pot pretty quick. Pretty soon, everybody and their dog or cat will get their own month. It appears that Pride Month is relatively new here in Texas, and we try to keep it fenced up in Austin and Dallas. After all, “Keep Austin Weird” isn’t just a slogan, I would try a Cat Whisperer if I were you. Keep in touch, and I’m sending Toonsis some 50 % off Pride Month coupons from PetSmart and Target.
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Notes From The Cactus Patch 
Miss Kitty, I do. Sadly, she and the Long Branch Saloon are no more…
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So, unh, I need to avoid Austin? If so, that’s a shame since I recall when I was last there, last century, there was one of the best damned burger joints I’ve ever been in. So good, I fancied a trip if for no other reason than t try to find the joint at the end of a bridge somewhere over a river, a canal, or a large ditch. And whatsis? Dallas, too to be avoided? Now that’s a shame. How else to re-explore FTW? Isn’t there a steakhouse in FTW called “The Farmer’s Daughter,” or do I confuse FTW with OKC? We don;t yet have a cat here in Tinytown, but Boss is planning on stealing two from her grands; they’ve another litter of polydactyl (Hemingway) kittens, and acourse they are barn cats, so I look for help from them as they grow bigger to cut done on the rabbit, tree rat, and robin infestations her. I worry accounta though we’re rural her in Tnytown, there still is significant new wave influence in the village. Like to keep the kitties as barn cats; don;t want to hat to get another flagpole for a rainbow flag. Mebbe I should off a letter to Mr. Texan.
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In need of Texas downhome advice, The Texan is the place. My grandparents had barn cats, but they were wild and unapproachable. We have hundreds of feral cats in our rural neighborhood. The old cat lady feeds them and they keep multiplying. The Farmers Daughter is in downtown Fort Worth, although its been years since I ate there. Avoid Austin at all cost, the place has gone crazy town, as well as Dallas. Real Texas cities are: Fort Worth, Abilene, Alpine, Marfa, San Angelo, San Antone, Buda, and Granbury.
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Thankee, Mr. Texan. Imma still try the new kitties. God-mothered by two pre-teen girls, they’re used to people and can be at times, a nuisance, following you around to see if you know any good mouse-places. Imma teach them to live in a special cat house in the good months, and snuggle in the garage in winter months. Suspect they will not be strangers to the house as Boss is an animal person, but I’m not having them live in the house.
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Mr. Texan, you have an amazing advice column for humans, cats, dogs, rats, and probably zombies, too. You provide a valuable service. I sure hope you’re getting lots of donations of “Little Debbie’s” to help with your personal cost for treatment. 🙂
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Nancy, thanks for your kind words. I try to be of service to all critters, two and four legs. No donations as of yet, but Momo did buy me some Tillamook Ice cream, and that’s tasty stuff.
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🤣🍧😋
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Frkn hysterical 😹🫶🌈🍭Definitely take “The Texans”advice cause he’s a true Real Texan and knows his stuff
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Thankya, I’ll be in the Luckenbach Holiday Inn lounge all week.
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