Ask A Texan: Mrs. Gentry’s Dilemma: Boat Motors vs. False Teeth

Down Home Advice For Folks That Are Out Of Options

I received a letter from Mrs. Gentry of Tallahatchie, Mississippi, stating that her husband, Catfish John, had taken the money she gave him for a set of new false teeth and spent it on a new boat motor. She’s as mad as a cottonmouth.

Mrs. Gentry: Mr. Texan, I’m surprised I’m having to ask a stranger for help. I saw your articles in the Farm and Ranch magazine, and you seem to know your groceries. My husband, Catfish John, is what the locals call him because he spends a lot of time on the Tallahatchie River running trotlines. He had three teeth left in his fat head, so I gave him some cash I had hidden away in a coffee can and told him to go to town and get some new teeth cause I was sick of looking at his toothless face. His hound dog, Little Bob Barker, has the same problem, so I told him to get the dog some choppers, too. He comes with what I thought was new teeth. I looked at him and said, “Wait a darn minute here, Catfish, those don’t look like real teeth; they’re too big and are all the same size. ” Well, he admitted that he needed a new boat motor, so he bought a couple of boxes of Chiclets, those lovely little white candies, and super glued them into the holes where his teeth used to be: he did the same for his hound dog. They look like a couple of smiling great white sharks, and I’m out all the hidey money I was saving for our daughter’s upcoming wedding to Billy Joe MacAllister. She’s not around much these days cause Catfish sees her and the boyfriend throwing stuff off the bridge, which worries me; I’m missing a bunch of laying hens and some piglets. I’m as mad as a pissed-off cottonmouth and ready to send him to live with his baby brother, Perch. Any ideas on fixing this mess? I sent you a picture of him and the hound.

The Texan: Wee Doggies, now that’s a problem. Southern men take their fishing real seriously, and a good boat motor is essential. My grandpappy had the same problem, so Granny fed him soft biscuits and white gravy and mashed up his meat, and he got along just fine. Teeth are expensive these days, so he was just trying to save money. I love those little Chiclets candies; they are a true American institution. I wouldn’t worry too much if one falls out, he can replace it, they’re really cheap. As far as the wedding, have your daughter go to the justice of the peace. At least Catfish will always have nice-smelling breath, and if you’re at a social gathering and you need a breath mint, just jerk out one of his teeth. Keep in touch, and I’m sending him a big box of assorted-colored Chiclets so he can change his teeth to suit the holiday festivities. Let me know what your daughter was throwing off that bridge.