Posted on by Phil Strawn

Dispatches From The Cactus Patch, 8.14.25


Blue Jeans, And Chromosomes, And Boobies…Oh My!

Oh, help us, Sweet Baby Jesus, Taylor Swift is dropping a new album. Now, she believes she is a Las Vegas Showgirl instead of a tortured poet like poor Sylvia Plath, who met a tragic end. Makes one wonder if the swift one knew about her demise? More cartoon music for the young girl masses that follow her blindly into the abyss of pop-less music. One day, they will awaken and grow up to be mothers and productive citizens, just maybe. I guess it’s better than standing atop someone’s Tesla and twerking their asses to the public.

The former first son and all-around good American criminal fellow says the first lady met her husband through Jeffrey Epstein. She calls it a lie and slander, demanding a public apology; otherwise, she will sue the Hunted one into oblivion for a billion bucks. The petulant former boy wonder artist and meth aficionado says F…that and is refusing to apologize. I don’t think Daddy-o will be able to save him this one last time. The Trumps have more money than Bubba Gump, and he has zero. Dr. Jill needs to drug test her boy. What a moronic man.

I am a cancer survivor, so the latest news from the Cowboys camp bothers me. After fifteen years, Smiley Jones, their Arkansas hillbilly owner, comes out with news that he beat cancer via experimental drugs. Why wait so long to tell the world? Let me guess, the Cowboys got their butt’s handed to them in pre-season, the team’s star players are threatening to move on for more money, they haven’t been within sniffing distance of a Super Bowl trophy in 30 years, and Jones is playing the “pity” card on his fans, who are deserting in mass. Poor Jerry, poor Cowboys, show me some love and keep buying those high-priced tickets, absurdly priced memorabilia, and $ 15.00 beers at his giant stadium that needs curtains to block the sun to keep the teams and the fans from melting. I know, I’ve been to many a game there, and my son, unfortunately, owns two seats that he can’t unload.

Thanks to a young actress, Sydney Sweeney, white girls are back! I’m talking really back. Sororities are going crazy, girls are buying American Eagle jeans again. All American blonde, brunette, and redheaded young women are once again strolling the streets, driving their cars to the mall, going to the beach, attending public functions, and making a spectacle of themselves in public—all thanks to a cute little gal with ginormous boobs and an All American girl spirit.

Putin and Zelensky, who’s going to win? Who you gonna call? Not Ghostbusters, but The President, and he should enlist Dana White to host a pay-per-view event at Madison Square Garden, pitting Putin against Zelensky in a UFC-style cage fight. Whoever wins will get the land, either Ukraine, Russia, or both. My money is on Zelensky. He’s younger, and there are reports that Pooty-Poot wears a Depends.

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15 Replies to “Dispatches From The Cactus Patch, 8.14.25”

  1. (1) Taylor isn’t too swift when it comes to politics.
    (2) I wonder who’s buying his paintings now? I see a garage sale in Hunter’s future…
    (3) I don’t follow the Cowboys. Looks like they’re riding on a dead horse.
    (4) I’m thinking more highly of Sydney Sweeney as I see more of her. She’s checking a lot of the right boxes.
    (5) Putin is no longer puttin’ on the ritz. He’s running out of financial resources (not to mention meat for the grinder).

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    1. You have a point there, Nancy. But, we do suffer immensely these days. Go to a game, you park 3 miles away, cost $100., then you walk to the stadium and fight the drunks getting in, then pay outrageous prices for food and drink, then trudge back to your car, dejected because they lose as usual, then it takes hours in traffic to get out and home. My son is stuck with his seats. He purchased them back in 2009 when they were at the stadium in Irving. He also used to work for the Cowboys organization. It’s been years since I attended a game and even watched them on TV. I follow Houston now.

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  5. Sydney Sweeney…ah yes! It’s like they are mad that we would rather see someone attractive than some 300 lb woman wearing jeans…I hope their stock continues to climb.

    I’ve never got Swift…I just dont.

    I haven’t followed it much but does Jones actually let the real football people do their job or does he still butt in?

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    1. Sydney is saving American girlhood, one pair of jeans at a time. Who doe’s get Swifter? Jones still wants to be the coach and that is the problem. The guys he hires don’t last long unless they let him call all the shots, plays and all. Great reply, Max.

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