Reasonable Advice For Folks That Don’t Know Their Butt From Fat Meat
Mr. Don Limpet, a resident of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico, writes that he had laser eye surgery at his local Walmart and has complications.
Mr. Limpet: Mr. Texan, I saw your advice column in the back of Bass Of The Month magazine at the Tractor Supply. You seem to be a down-to-earth fellow and have given some good advice to folks, so I’m hoping you can help a brother out here. My eyesight has been deteriorating for years, and it’s become so bad that I can’t distinguish a Yellow Booger Picker Bass Lure from a Purple People Eater Crappie rig. My lovely wife, Little Sheba, yes, that’s her real name, she’s a belly dancer who performs at Old Folks Homes and Funerals. Little Sheba said that Walmart has a special on Cataract eye surgery: $ 49.95 per eye, and you get to choose the color of lens after they suck out the cataract. So I say, ” Hell ya, with the money I’ll be saving, I can buy that new Evinrude motor for my Bass boat. The lady who was getting me ready couldn’t get the IV in the right vein, and my arm swelled up like a poisoned Possum. She finally called the gal over in the make-up department to get the sucker in the right vein. Little Sheba said I should go with the Paul Newman Blue Sparkles lenses since he was her favorite actor. I told her he’s dead, and so is his sidekick, Sundance, but she was insistent, so I went with the blue lenses. The procedure took longer than expected, and the boys in the produce department had to help out the tech suck out the cataracts with a Turkey baster. When I woke up, Little Sheba took one look at me and fainted dead out. The girl got the wrong lenses. Instead of the Paul Newman Blue Sparkles, she installed the Count Dracula Red Devil lenses, and now I look like Dracula or a Demon from Hell. The manager at Walmart says the operation is irreversible, and he is genuinely sorry. To make it up to us, he gave Little Sheba a $ 500 gift card to be used on Christmas Decorations. I look awful, and the preacher at church won’t let me in the door because I scare all the little kids. Can you help out a cursed man?
The Texan: Well, well, Mr. Limpet, you are either the biggest cheap-ass in New Mexico or a complete moron that doesn’t know your butt from a piece of fat meat. What did you expect for $49.95 per eye? Those folks at Walmart make $13.00 an hour and can’t even ring up a purchase correctly. As far as the red eyes, you can always get a job at those Halloween Spirit stores, or a spook house. I, too, once had a problem with red eyes, but it was the result of smoking too much pot back when I was hanging out at the Armadillo World Headquarters down in hippie land, Austin, Texas. Back then, everybody had red eyes, so it wasn’t a big deal. Try mixing some Murine and blue food coloring, or wear dark glasses and use a can like Ray Charles. I’m sending Little Sheba a 45 record of Ray Stevens’ big hit, ” Ahab the Arab,” the sheik of the burning sands, and of course a box of Cherry Bombs so you can set a few of them off in The Walmart. In closing, let me know how everything turns out, and you are the biggest dumb-ass moron I know.
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Notes From The Cactus Patch 
Hilarious, Phil! I especially loved the appropriate record sent to little Sheba. Many years ago, we saw Ray Stevens in his theatre in Branson. What a great performance, and yes, he and his crew sang Ahab.
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One of my favorites. His video of the song is a classic.
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And you just can’t beat “The Squirrel Went Berserk” 😂
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You must have quite a supply of cherry bombs!
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Got a connection across the border from Eagle Pass, Texas
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Ah, yes! The infamous Cherry Bomb Cartel!
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Turkey baster! I had cataract surgery recently, and I can see how that might work. But I think my doc was from Target, so he used something a bit more upscale. I think he must also do dentistry.
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Everyone is getting into the discount surgery thing now. Pretty soon Taco Bell and Dairy Queen will be offering drive through exams.
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This article is very timely. My eye doctor recently scheduled me for cataract surgery — but he isn’t affiliated with the Wal-Mart Eye Surgery Center and Discount RV Warehouse Consortium. However, after thorough research on available ophthalmologists, I found one with excellent reviews who comes from an interesting family. His name is Dr. Vito Corleone III from up Chicago way.
Dr. Corleone is a very dedicated family man — with an unusual speech impediment that initially confused me. He always ends his sentences with a peculiar phrase that sounds very Italiano: “Badda Bing, Badda Boom.” Including this phrase at the end of each sentence during his overview of my upcoming eye surgery was quite entertaining, to put it mildly. After about ten minutes of this, I started laughing.
That’s when I met his eldest son, Sonny, who appears to lack any sense of humor. He’s a very intense young man, and quite different from anything you might find living in tents. For example, he had a heated exchange with his father about who should be billed for services rendered. As it turns out, the surgery will cost around $1,000.00 per eye (not including the lenses). Dr. Corleone instructed his son to bill the White House and, if they balked, to make them an offer they couldn’t refuse.
At this point, I was feeling somewhat disoriented. Realizing this, Dr. Corleone gave me reassurances conditioned on my signing a backup promissory note granting him full custody of my children forever and a day, or until Sonny has me killed, whichever occurs first.
In the long run, this should work out okay. I am sure that the White House will cover the cost of the surgery. If not … well, I never liked my kids that much anyway, and I definitely need the surgery.
Don’t laugh, Mr. Texan. At least I didn’t go to Wal-Mart. Also, can I get some of those cherry bombs?
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I can send you some Cherry Bombs, and I’m glad to know your surgery went well with Vito. I had my cataracts done 8 years ago and now I see things I can’t un-see.
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Too funny but some dumbass will sign up for this. If a woman can find a back alley dive where she can get cement injected into her booty for a butt job (true story, unfortunate woman), then getting cataracts sucked out at The Walmart sounds like a pretty good deal. Almost too good to be true but seeing is believing. Dumb is dumb and hindsight is 20/20
Loved it when The Incredible Mr Don Limpet’s arm swelled up like a poisoned possum. The imagery is fabulous!
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Don Knotts in the Incredible Mr. Limpet, the first live-action animated movie. One of my favorites. Pretty soon, Walmart will be replacing body parts with aftermarket ones from China.
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Bill just made a comment about Chinese body parts that was hilarious but unprintable.
We did not know that about Mr. Limpet. It’s on my watch list.
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I got the Knotts-Limpet connection right off the bat. After reading this though, I realized it has been a long time since I’ve been through Truth or Consequences. Last time I passed through there were no Walmarts or Texas Tractor Supplies. They’ve all fancy with their own optometrist and everything.
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I was through their a few years ago, ain’t much going on in that town or any other town in NM. We now go to Marfa, Fort Davis and Alpine to experience the Texas Bermuda Triangle since all the aliens have left Roswell.
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