Posted on by Phil Strawn

The Retail Rebel: A Fugitive’s Tale


A Wanted Man On The Run

I’d Like To Settle Down But They Won’t Let Me…A Fugitive Must Be A Rolling Stone…Down Every Road There’s Always One More City…I’m On The Run. The highway is My Home.

Years ago, when I lost my social filters after a fainting head-planting fall from our hot tub, my once kind demeanor has vanished in blocks. There are post office quality pictures of me in Lowes and Home Depot, saying ” Do Not Wait On This Old Man, He Is A Retail Verbal Assaulting Fugitive, Call Your Manager Immediately.” And, they do, if they recognize me. I’ve become quite good at disguising my appearance: caps, sunglasses, different beards, band-aids, creams, crutches, walkers – anything that will throw them off so I can do my shopping. Now, Walmart, my last bastion of shopping, might be adding me to their list of undesirables, rejects, lunatics, and mentally deranged. All because of an overcharge on Bird Peanuts.

Wallmart might be the best in reatail at miss-pricing their items. I found a large bag of Bird Peanuts, which I usually buy at H.E.B. mainly for the Blue Jays and Crows, who turn their black beaks up at anything other than good old Texas Roots Legumes. The sign beneath the box said $7.57 for seven pounds of Peanuts, a bounty of a bargain considering H.E.B. wants over $2.00 for one pound. My wife, Momo, checked out, not paying much attention to the ring up. Arriving home, she discovered the bag of peanuts cost almost $15.99, and that’s when my remaining filter evaporated through my right ear and blew out the back door like a vanishing fart.

It was a long, sleepless night of tossing and turning. Eventually, I drank two hot cups of Ovaltine, which usually calms my nerves and elicits sleep, but nope, not this night. I sat in the dark, planning my strategy for how I would confront the customer service representative about the outrageous overcharge. Common sense was non-existent, my Christian faith waned, and my carnal instinct took over; I was out for righteous vengeance, and it would be mine.

I awoke at dawn, fueld by caffine and what little testosterone is left in my body, I was anxious for battle. I arrived at Walmart as the senior citizen greeter unlocked the door. ” Good morning, sir,” she said in her four-pack-a-day rasp. I growled and headed for the customer service counter.

The young girl behind the counter was kind, sweet, doe-eyed, and wore a cross hanging from her neck. My vengeance and blood lust disappeared. How could I crawl from the trenches and attack this sweet child? I explained the problem, which now seemed embarrassingly insignificant, and she was kind and understanding, offering my money back without question and a big, toothy smile along with a “have a blessed day.” I did notice behind the counter many post office-quality posters of old people like me, who are prohibited from shopping at Walmart. I’m safe for now. But there is always next week, and I will be sure to give them one of my better photographs.

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19 Replies to “The Retail Rebel: A Fugitive’s Tale”

  1. Thanks for the morning smile, Phil! Although my hubs has no head injury to excuse himself, he has had similar experiences, although as far as I know, he hasn’t been blacklisted anywhere. His most grievous retail issues have been with … you guessed it … WalMart pricing. I know he’ll appreciate your post when I share it with him.

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    1. Lynn, I’m not sure why you’re not getting them, but I will dig into it. WP has done this before, since they now relay on AI to run the show. Try re-subscribing and I will do the same or more on my end. I apologize for the morons at WP.

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    1. Yep, these birds can get costly, and pushy. The Crows sit on the fence outside our bedroom window and start in around dawn with their Caaaw..Caaaw…crap until we put out peanuts for them. Now we do it at night, so they have won the battle. But by putting them out the night before, the field mice steal them, and now we have Horned Owls and Hawks sitting on the fence waiting for the field mice to come for peanuts..it’s a vicious cycle we have created, all because we like to watch our avian friends enjoy their meals. A few weeks ago we had grey Foxes hanging around our back yard, then the Armadillo came back, then the Opossums. We live in the country, so we are subject to attacks from nature at any time.

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      1. I’m sorry you’re having difficulty being pleasant. If you ‘re making every effort not to be crotchety around Momo, just imagine everyone is a Momo when you talk with them. 🙂

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      2. Ahhh, Grasshopper, I have learned a lesson and will implement it as soon as I finish chewing out the Barista at Starbucks for writing ” Charlie Kirk Was A Moron” on my latte cup.

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    1. Nancy, I pray more than once or twice a day, many of them lately have included Charlie and his family. I believe our country is still in a state of transitional shock from the past few months. I’ll always put a grinning spin on things, no matter the subject, everyone is fair game.

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      1. You don’t have any problem lifting my mood with your nonsense, Phil. I’m happy to learn you pray. I pray at length in the morning. You and Momo are included for your health issues. Then I pray throughout the day thanking God for everything, e.g., even when I don’t step on a cute little toad. 🙂

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    1. I think annoyance comes with the age and lack of tolerance. The young people at Lowes and Home Depot seem to be the worse. Always looking on their phone, even as you are asking a question, as it our voices are beaming into their brain via the iPhone earbuds.

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