Posted on by Phil Strawn

Ask A Texan: Do These Truck Tires Make My Butt Look Too Big?


Classic Advice For Folks That Have Never Been To Texas…

The Texan

This Texan received an email from a Mr. Charles “Chunk” Fromage, who lives in Velveeta, Wisconsin. He and his wife visited Waco recently for a wedding and are puzzled by why everyone in Waco drives a giant pickup truck.

Mr. Fromage: Mr. Texan, the folks around Velveeta call me “Chunk,” that’s my nickname because I am a taddy on the chunky side. I saw your article in the back of the Pioneer Woman Monthly Cook Book that my wife, Nora Pat, bought at Walmart while we were in Waco, Texas, to attend the wedding of her cousin’s ninth marriage. I didn’t want to go because I was forced to attend the other eight. The last two lasted a few weeks at best, so I can’t see wasting time and fancy money on this one either. These JetBlue airplane tickets are spendy, but that’s another story I’ll write you about later.

Back home, in Velveeta, I drive a “oh fer cute” perky little pickup truck—a 1995 Ford with Michlen snow tires and only 55K original miles, kept in a heated garage in the winter. She’s a real beaut, and all the boys down at the Moose Lodge have been trying to get their hands on her for years. So, when we were at Walmart in our Avis rent-a-car, picking up a wedding present for the wife’s cousin, we both said, “Holy Moley” — the entire parking lot was full of these ginormous pickups with tires the size of a Dairy Cow. So, I’m telling Nora Pat that a man would need a ladder to get in and out of these rigs. I was right. One fella parked in the handicap space was using a hydraulic hoist installed in the bed of his giant truck to lift his hefty wife into the passenger seat because the truck was at least ten feet off the asphalt. Geez Louise! What is going on down in Texas with your pickup trucks?

The Texan: Well, Mr. Chunk, everyone in the south knows that everything is bigger in Texas, that includes our pickup trucks, our tires, Stetson hats, houses, bass boats, and our wives’ hair. The fascination with big wheels on our pickup trucks started at the Alamo back in 1836. I know the inside skinny on this because I am a member of the Sons Of The Alamo Lodge, and we keep up on our history.

When the Mexicans were advancing on the Alamo mission in San Antonio, Colonel Travis instructed his men to roll their cannons up dirt ramps to improve their accuracy. It was muddy, and the small, solid wooden wheels became stuck, and so did the cannon. One clever Texan took the large wooden spoked wheels off of an old wagon and rigged it up on the cannon, and bingo, the problem was solved, plus the cannon looked pretty darn sharp all jacked up off the ground. After firing a few shots at the Mexicans hanging out on the riverbank singing and doing shots of Tequilia, the boys noticed the cannon jumped around a bit too much when fired, so the same Texan removed the bed springs from Jim Bowie’s sick bed, which really pissed him off, and rigged them up on the cannon frame, allowing the firearm to resist the recoil of the explosion. The custom cannon was so accurate that the Texans obliterated the Mexican army’s Food Wagons (early versions of the Food Trucks), which pissed off Santa Anna because the men didn’t have their breakfast tacos and refused to attack until they were adequately fed. Even though the Texans lost the battle, the Mexicans were impressed by the captured cannon and began building their own the same way. Within a few months, the Texans got their hands on the Mexican cannons when they whooped their butt at San Jacinto, and pretty soon, all the wagons and buggies in Texas had big wheels and springs, jacking them up in the air so they would clear the rocks and rough roads. As pickup trucks grew bigger, Texans took that same technology and started jacking up their trucks and adding large wheels and tires so they could drive around the deer lease without a problem. Then they added roll bars and bright lights, loud stereo speakers, campers, and a hoist so they could get that freshly shot Buck into the back of the truck bed. Now, most of the pickups here in Texas have big wheels and handy little step ladders that fold out so we can get into our trucks. So, all of the fancy pickups and big wheels started at the Alamo. Betcha didn’t know any of that. By the way, why do you folks wear those blocks of cheese hats to your football games? I’m sending you a CD copy of John Wayne’s movie The Alamo and a box of cherry bombs you can use to blast an ice-fishing hole in your frozen lake.

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24 Replies to “Ask A Texan: Do These Truck Tires Make My Butt Look Too Big?”

    1. Terry, Velveeta and cheese are like peas and carrots. They still make that stuff, I saw it at H.E.B. and was shocked that blog of goo was still out there. I know some folks from WS and have been there many times, so they get it too.

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      1. Also, Phil … Ahem … “Almost” everything is bigger in Texas … I have to say that Texas rabbits and deer are mighty tiny compared to those in my part of Canada 😎😉

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  2. Fascinating history of big wheels, big trucks, and big everything in Texas. I always thought everything was supersized in Texas because the state is huge and can fit bigger things inside it’s borders. 🙂

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    1. Nancy, that’s all true, but the biggest things in Texas are our heads. We are so ate-up with our “Come And Take It” pride. Sometimes my Stetson won’t even come close to fitting on my swelled up head, well, of course I have long luxurious hair too, so that makes a difference.

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  4. After my last trip through your incredible state I drew a picture of the West Texas Family Sedan.

    file:///Users/Grumpa/Pictures/Photos%20Library.photoslibrary/resources/derivatives/2/2AEABE66-853E-42E5-9336-310629BD7CBC_1_105_c.jpeg

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  5. “One fella parked in the handicap space was using a hydraulic hoist installed in the bed of his giant truck to lift his hefty wife into the passenger seat because the truck was at least ten feet off the asphalt.”
    I could just picture that! Made me laugh aloud!

    What irks me is that here in Las Vegas, we have people driving 4×4 trucks (some of them jacked up high) that look shiny new, with beautiful black tires boasting perfect tread. You can tell they’ve never encountered anything but smooth asphalt. And you can see marvel at the bloated spare tires (the trucks’, not the drivers’).
    I drive a 24-year-old Toyota Tundra with 227,000 miles on it. It has done a helluva lot of low desert and mountain off-roading, and has the scratches and dents and scraped off paint to prove it. As far as travels go, the truck has been driven from Texarkana to Waco to San Antonio to Pecos (and on to Roswell), not to mention all over the Texas Panhandle on other trips. I’ve been to the Alamo twice (1995; 2010).

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    1. Good Lord, you must qualify for some AAA platinum plate or something, that’s a fer piece of driving. I was next to a new Dodge Ram, with a custom paint job, all chrome rims, the trannie and axle painted to match the body, all lit up underneath with LED lights and the exhaust pipe was bigger than a small pony. It was so far off the ground I could see two blocks down, and not a scratch or a piece of dirt on any of it. It’s all for show and I doubt they could take much desert abuse. I hear ya on the Toyota trucks, they are tough little hombres. When I was a kid, we went to the Alamo every summer on our way to Port A. We did everything but get down on our knee’s and pray and light a Davy Crockett Candle from H.E.B.

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  6. This cheesehead used to own a Toyota Tacoma pickup, which could probably fit in the bed of one of those Texas giants. But the Toyotas are the vehicle of choice for terrorists world wide because they are tough, economical, and cheaper than $100K cowboy Cadillacs. And cheeseheads can keep your head warm and the rain out of your ears, which can be helpful on those rain/snow mixed days.
    If you have any spare cherry bombs, I could use a few around the house to deter the mice eyeing my basement as a prospective winter home. Remember the Alamo!

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    1. Bob, Momo, and I drive a Honda Ridgeline Pickup, which to us is sensible for our age. Having one of those monsters on your bumper at highway speed makes me really nervous; all I can see is the undercarriage and the hunting lights in my mirror. I only used Waco because we have as many here in the small town of Granbury. I spent over a year in Bloomington building stores in The Mall of America, so I kind of know the folks up your way. Never met one I didn’t like, and got to like ice fishing. Cherry Bombs do mighty damage to a mouse. I’ll send ya a box.

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  7. Wow! I do not remember this version of the Alamo when I learned about it in school. Yeah, my memory is damn near shot but I think I would have remembered it for sure!

    Hmm …. Chunk Fromage; not sure if that feeling in my stomach means I love it or if it’s making me queasy.

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    1. Well, us fellas in The Sons of The Alamo Lodge tend to decorate our history a bit. It could have happened. I have a chunk of cheese in the fridge that Momo bought and we don’t know what it is, so it’s sitting there, aging. Your memory is fine.

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    1. I may have exaggerated a tad, but we have more of those trucks in Granbury than anywhere I’ve been. We bought a Honda Ridgeline so we could get in and out of the darn thing without a ladder. Thanks for the kind comment. Ain’t Texas history interesting?

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