Holiday Road To Washington


Photo by Ken Kesey

That fun-loving scallywag, Texas Governor Greg Abbott has kicked off his new tour line from the South Texas/Mexico border to Washington DC. ” Texas Dust Devil Tours” boasts 900 luxury diesel guzzling buses, with a non-stop direct trip to “Old Screaming Joe’s” neighborhood. The cost to each rider is zero, nada, free, no peso, etc.

The inaugural bus was met by the Catholic Charities, DPS, Federal folks in polo shirts, representatives from MS-13, and Ronald McDonald.

As each maskless passenger de-bussed, they received a hearty handshake, a hug, and a cute gift bag full of goodies. Inside, they found a map to the White House and Nancy Pelosi’s personal residence in Georgetown. Also included were coupons from Mcdonald’s, Motel 6, Waffle House, and Walmart. A crisp $100.00 bill was tucked inside a nice little card that read, ” Don’t Come Back To Texas,” Love, Gregg.

Madame Speaker’s limo happened to drive by the arrival. ” Oh Spalding, who are those dreadful little brown people coming out of the tacky bus?”

Her driver responded,” That would be the illeagle invaders from the Texas border Ms Pelosi. I hear there will be around 900 more bus loads.”

Pelosi grabs her cell phone and calls Joe, ” Joe, you friggin moron, we are being invaded, call the National Guard, now.”

Madame Speakers’ limo was spotted at “Liquor Land” a few minutes later. Her driver was carrying a case of Grey Goose to the car.

It’s going to be an exciting summer in DC folks. Forget Disneyland; pack up the old station wagon and go to Washington.

” Waffles of Insurrection”


Photo courtesy of Colonel Sanders

Old Pal Mooch called me early this morning. I was dead asleep and dreaming of Pioneer beer batter pancakes slathered in Aunt Jemima syrup. In his usual excited state, he tells me that his band of patriots, the Hood County Plowboys drove straight through from Granbury to Washington DC, stopping to buy gas and some North Carolina jerky and pork rinds. I believe about half of his stories, so it never occurred to me that he and his bunch of armed rag-tags were serious about forcefully taking back the country before old Joe lays his hand on the “Good Book.” I will pay more attention to his wild schemes from now on.

He said that the closer they got to Washington, the more National Guard troops and armored equipment they saw. Thousands of soldiers posted along the highway, eating from food trucks and playing games on their phones. It was the scariest thing he ever saw.

Arriving in the city, they tried and failed to get to the mall, but installations of razor wire, armed troops, tanks, cruise missile installations, and claymore minefields blocked their way. A group of large and menacing soldiers told Mooch to take his raggedy-ass pop-gun carrying hillbillies back to Texas and then pointed a 50 caliber machine gun at the would-be insurrectionist. They got the message.

I asked Mooch what their plan B was and if they might be in peril. He took a moment to answer and then told me that since they couldn’t shoot anybody or get to see Old Joe, they found the nearest Waffle House. When all else fails, it’s time for a waffle.

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