Posted on by Phil Strawn

January Dispatch From The Cactus Patch


Don’t Look At That Sun..You’ll Go Blind

I’m ready for the Eclipse in April. That’s me back in my 3-D days. I walked around for months wearing my cheesy glasses. Everything looked better in the beautiful hues of red and blue, so I saved them in my Roy Rogers lunch box with the original Thermos that held my cold Ovaltine and kept it cold for half a day. How did it know? I figure these specs will work just fine for the Solar Eclipse.

The Beat Goes On…And On

My father’s late cousin, Mail Order Preacher, Little Jimi Bob Fender of Fort Worth, Texas. He started out playing that “Devil music,” rock-a-billy, and jive-assed jumping-around stuff out on Jacksboro Highway. After getting knifed a few times, then shot up real good by the jealous husband of some old hairy-legged gal, he glammed onto religion and started the “Church Of What’s Happening Now.” He had the rocking-ist church music in Texas, and many of the great musicians, such as Delbert McClinton and Willie, stopped by on Sundays to jam. As you can see, he was a snappy dresser. Dig that guitar and that blue suit.

When It’s Round-Up Time In Texas

Back in the 1950s, long before there was the Dixie Chicks, there was my late 14th cousins’ trio, “The Texas Fried Pies.” They played most of the grocery store openings, school assemblies, parades, Tupperware parties, Avon get-togethers, rodeos, The Fat Stock Show, and select funerals. Left to right: Peach E. Keen on the doghouse bass, my cousin Apple Coreby on the banjo, and Cherry la’Tartness on the squeezebox.

The Gospel According To That Person of The Year

Good Lord, help us, please. Now she has her own religion and a bible? It was bound to happen, given she has around ten million young zombie followers. I read from a former swiftie-cult member that when she turned 21 years old, her brain hit reset, and she became a normal woman and started listening to George Strait. There is hope.

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6 Replies to “January Dispatch From The Cactus Patch”

  1. Those lunch box thermoses never lasted long. The interiors were destined to shatter quickly. I’m surprised yours didn’t. Maybe buy a Taylor Swift lunch box to keep good old Roy company. 🙂

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    1. My thermos was packed away after the first few months of school and was found in a storage box along with my lunch kit, which I have given both to my 11 year old grandson who loves retro collectable things. There is now plans for a Taylor Swift Barbie Doll…help us please!

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  2. Years ago, when I was quite young, I was a caddy trying to earn a few bucks from tight-fisted golfers. It was okay, and I was young. This means that I had lots of energy and could easily walk 36 holes in a day. One day, I was paired with a very wealthy “Chrystal Palace” type preacher. I did a pretty good job for him that day, and I did get paid for my effort. But when it came to the tip, this man of the cloth said to me, “For your tip — I predict a good life and admittance to the kingdom of God.” At first, I thought, “Cheap bastard.”

    Now, though … I’ve got that going for me. It didn’t seem to matter very much when I was 16, but now, as I approach the dock for my trip across the river Styx, I’ve got a smile on my face.

    Well, unless …

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  3. Little Jimi Bob Fender and The Texas Fried Pies…that is some heavy Americana Phil…

    A barbie Swift doll? What is she going to do? Break up with Ken over and over again and then write songs about it?

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