Posted on by Phil Strawn

Ask A Texan: Yearning To Be Sydney Sweeney…


Questionable But Believable Advice For Folks That Dream About Living In The Land Where They Can Be An Urban Cowboy And Date Debra Winger

The Texan

This Texan received a letter from a Mr. Whipple Charmin of Lawton Oklahoma. It was written on the back of a Walmart grocery list, and after reading what the poor man is being fed, I’m amazed he’s still alive. It seems his wife, Luanna Rosanna Cash, is going through a midlife change and is searching for her “inner self.”

Mr. Charmin: Mr. Texan, I saw your article in the Popular Chicken Magazine at Tractor Supply and figured you might be able to help a brother out. The Missus, Luanna Rosanna Cash( her mama named her that after her favorite singer), is going through the change of life, at least that’s what her Chiropractor and her hairdresser tell her. She recently saw that Sydney Sweeney girl on TV wearing those tight jeans and looking pretty fine, so she thinks she wants to be like her. The problem is, Luanna has a butt the size of a 1957 Buick and the only jeans she can fit in is those Pioneer Woman stretchy jeans at The Walmart. I come home from work at the chicken-killing plant, and she’s all laid out on the sofa with a cold bottle of Ripple Wine, wearing those stretchy jeans, and a Dolly Parton wig and a Urban Cowboy western shirt open to the waist. Her little Poodle dog, Tidbit, is sitting on her butt, with his leg up licking his own little butt, which killed the mood. I know her hormones are all messed up and she’s going through one of those identity crises and all, so I tell her she looks real fine. Well, she asked me if those Pioneer Woman stretchy jeans make her look like Sydney Sweeney? That dog sitting on her butt kinda threw me off my nut, and I said, No, honey, you look just like that nice waitress down at the Waffle House. The doctor at the ER stitched up my forehead and said the scar should go away in a few years, but the imprint of the Lodge frying pan logo might be permanent. I need to make things right with Luanna cause I’m tired of living at the Motel 6 cause they keep that damn light on all night, and I can’t sleep.

The Texan: Whipple, you Okie moron, didn’t your Daddy teach you anything? It doesn’t matter if her butt looks like the Goodyear Blimp floating over Cowboy Stadium; you lie like a two-dollar garage sale rug. I, too, once was in a similar situation. The wife, squeezed into her 1980s Madonna, Like A Virgin outfit, she was wearing to our class reunion. She looked at me with those big, old, fake eyelashes eyes and that teased-up hair, and asked me if the dress made her butt look too big. I was working on my fourth or fifth Jack and Coke, so I told her the tushie looked just like that Led Zeppelin album cover. The prom was a little icy, and a few days later, I came home from the Sons of the Alamo Lodge meeting, and she had donated my bass boat to the Goodwill store. So, Whipple, you’d better learn to lie like a Democrat. I’m sending you a copy of ” Liars for Dummies” and my usual box of Cherry Bombs just to make you feel better.

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21 Replies to “Ask A Texan: Yearning To Be Sydney Sweeney…”

  3. The two essential phrases for a peaceful marriage are, “Yes dear” and “No dear”. Choosing wisely between these two statements can mean the difference between a hearty fried chicken dinner or a can of cold beans whilst sitting in the garage.

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    1. Thanks, Nancy. I attempt to find a bit of humor in everything, and it’s getting harder to do these days. Yep, my stories are absurd, and most have a bit of truth in them. I found out later in life that my dear mother dropped me on my head more than a few times, but my eyes finally un-crossed and the stutter went away.

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  8. Individuals with a good sense of humor have sharper brains, so the head dropping didn’t impact you. The head injuries likely thickened your skull. Your brain is probably warmer and more functional because of it. 🧠👀

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    1. Well, Nancy, that is one way of delicately addressing my brain injury. I don’t think the ones as a kid did much damage, but the one about five years ago when I passed out after exiting the hot tub and did a flat out landing on the concrete on my poor old head, and Momo, being a nurse, had to thump my chest to get me ticking again, that’s the one that canceled all of my social filters and got me banned from Home Depot and Lowes, as well as Walmart. I appreciate your kind words.

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  9. Wow! Praise God for overseeing
    Momo’s lifesaving actions. So, you’re now reliving your filterless teenage years. It sure makes for fun reads, but I hope you’ve completely recovered.

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    1. Pretty much recovered except for listing to the right and I can’t walk a straight line or stand on one foot, and my left eye wanders at times, and my right ear is now one inch lower than the left one, and I have to wear two hearing aids, and a microwave oven makes me wet my pants so we got rid of ours and now I have to warm my milk for my hot Ovaltine in a pan, which is better anyway. Other than those minor things, I’m good, and yes, God did give Momo the knowledge to bring me back. It’s nice being married to a cardiac nurse.

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