Getting older guarantees one thing for certain: each week is a new and often, rousing experience. This week was my Opus moment: I had a heart monitor installed. A nice piece of technology super-glued to my chest that tells my cardiologist, Dr. Squatch, if my heart is acting abnormally, and if sudden death is imminent. At least I now have an inkling of when it might happen.
The first nurse had the bedside patient demeanor of a prison guard. ” Lay down, be still, don’t finch, don’t breathe, don’t do anything,” she says. She applies a gooey substance to my neck so she can use a Channel 5 Doppler radar to detect blockages in my carotid arteries. I, being my lovable, imaginative, smart-ass self, asked her if it was a boy, a girl, or an alien implant? She wasn’t amused, but my Cardiac Nurse wife, Momo, got a giggle.
The Doppler imaging completed, we were ushered into another room where the second nurse explaied the device to us. It was rather smart looking, small, many lights and buttons, and had to be attached to my chest with Gorilla Super Glue. After she installed the contraption, she expalaied how it worked: Momo being a fellow nurse uderstood all of it.
She pushed buttons, sent some signals to somewhere far away, and I was in business. ” If the light blinks green, it means you are doing alright. If it goes yellow, that means you are stressed and need to slow down and don’t look at that Sydney Sweeney Eagle jeans commercial. If it blinks red and glows like ET’s finger, then the doctor will call you with instructions for your final moments on earth. If he is busy or not near his phone, you can kiss your ass adios,” I understood. ” It will also connect to your hearing aids via Bluetooth, so you can listen to the soothing sounds of your own heartbeat, or the bass drum beat to In A Gadda Da Vida.” I am impressed.
Momo drove me to Home Depot so I could get into an altercation with a salesperson to see if this thing really works. If you don’t get another post soon, you’ll know Janis took another piece of my heart, baby.
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Notes From The Cactus Patch 
Ya mebbe shoulda held out for the Mercedes Benz or a Color TV or a Night On The Town.
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True story here. Back in 1969 when Momo and I attended the Texas International Pop Festival, about a week after Woodstock, I met Janis Joplin. it was late in the evening and she was scheduled to perform after dark when it was cooler. I was standing in a line to get a hot dog and coke, about five people back from the booth. This girl ask if she could cut in because she was running late. Being a Texan, and raised right by my Mama, I said sure. It took a moment for me to realize it was Janis, in a tee shirt and shorts, not yet dressed for the stage. We talked for a few minuets about how hot the weather was, and she said it was the one thing she didn’t miss. She was sweet, cordial and friendly. It was the sixties, so I had to be cool and not drool too much. She got her dog and said bye and about an hour later he was on stage tearing the place down. Robert Plant also said when they came on that Led Zep would never come back to this hot hell hole. A month later, they played Dallas at Memorial Auditorium.
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Great true story! I had heard that about Led Zeppelin.
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Yeah, the boys weren’t to happy about playing in the heat, even in the evening. Janis handled it well, being from Texas.
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It’s tough when the sweat drips down on your electric guitar….
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Grand Funk Railroad were the first band up, and it was around noon, and at least 100 degrees, they had to miserable, but put on a kick-ass show, without wearing shirts.
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Yeah, GFR don’t seem like pissers and moaners to me.
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They powered through the heat and gave the festival a proper opening. Chicago to a great set too, in the heat as well.
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Amazing line up!
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If you look at some of the photos, there was a group of Chevy, Ford and VW vans and buses parked under a grove of trees not far from the stage and the fence line. Those were my surfing buddies from Port Aransas that came up. I stayed with them most of the time.
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Looked up that festival. Quite a line up! Seems like it deserves as much attention as Woodstock or Monterey, for sure.
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It was a great three days of peace, love and heat. I think more folks got sunstroke than drug overdoses. Momo and I weren’t dating at the time but did shortly after that.
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Skip Home Depot until this monitoring thing is over. My experience says it’s not a heart friendly place. Foot friendly either.
Take care. Cool Joplin story.
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Momo persuaded me to go to Walmart which was much easier on the monitor, it blinked yellow for a few seconds, but then was back to fine.
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Even older Toyota’s need to be monitored occasionally.
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Yeah, think of the money I would have saved if I had gone to Jiffy Lube.
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I was going to make a smart alec comment, but my heart just wasn’t in it.
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Appreciate it, I can take it. Janis didn’t get it all.
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😂
In all seriousness, hope you’re doing well, Phil.
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I am. Just making fun of the whole situation.
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Love that Janis song! … You know you’ve got it, if it makes you feel good! I hope the device works for you and you’re very lucky that Momo is a cardiac nurse.
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Yes, I am. She revived once already when I hit the concrete after a fall from the hot tub. She’s quite handy to have around in a medical emergency. I charged up the little device this morning and am feeling pretty good. I still haven’t been able to Bluetooth Iron Butterfly though.
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Phil, you’re one hilarious guy, but I gotta tell you, you definitely married up. All the best to you to shake the cobwebs off and get back on that 100 degree stage. If your voice is kaput, be a comedian. I’ll support your replacement of late night talk show scandalmonger, JK. 🙂
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Thanks, Nancy. I could do that gig since I played on stage for most of my life. I’m shy and quiet until I get behind a keyboard or a pen and paper. Our praise band is playing a big revival tonight, 3 hours of on-stage live music, and I’m not sure my fingers will last or Momo’s voice will hold out, although she sings in a professional choir. Momo says since I lost my social filters after the head trauma, I’m coming out of my shell. The old ticker will be alright, unless that light turns red like ET’s finger.
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The fun contraptions of aging. Be well, Phil.
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I love your attitude. And the fact that you aren’t the only smart ass here makes it all the more fun. 🙂
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Thank you, my wife, Momo agrees.
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