Contemplative And Often Serious Advice For Non-Texans
This Texan recieved a letter from a Mr. George Baily of Bedford Falls New York. It seems his oldest son, Tommy has become a Performitive Male.
Mr. Baily: Mr. Texan, I read your advice column in my uncle Billy’s copy of the Police Gazette, so you, being a wise old fellow, might be able to help me out.
My oldest son, Tommy, has been away at college in New York City. Mary and I haven’t seen him in about 6 months, or so. He came home a few days ago, and we almost lost our breakfast right there in the foyer when he walked in the door. He was dressed in checkered pajama pants, a see-through black tee-shirt, and a pink fuzzy sweater. He was carrying a tote bag from Macy’s, had a Nikon camera hanging from his neck, and was wearing some pink Phyllis Diller-looking glasses. And to make it even worse, he also had one of those man buns on his head. His younger sister Zuzu took one look at him and called him a little sissy-man.
Mary spent three hours in the kitchen making him his favorite supper of Pork Tenderloin, mashed potatoes, and steamed Broccoli-Tomato medley. When he came downstairs to eat, he threw a fit and said he no longer eats meat or nightshade vegetables because his sensitive digestive system makes him moody and melancholy if he eats the wrong food. He only eats Kale salad, Tibetan rice cakes, and drinks a Mocha Latte from Starbucks. Just looking at the supper made him whimper and cry. He told us he has embraced his sensitive feminine side, doing away with his male toxicity. He is now what is known as a Performative Male.
Zuzu, our stout, no-nonsense daughter, lost it and punched him out with a haymaker to the face, right there in the dining room. She then threw a handful of rose petals on him as he lay there on the rug with a dislocated jaw and bleeding from his nose. Mary is so upset, she pleaded with me to call my Angel buddy Clarence to see if he could talk some sense into our little Performative sissy man. Got any suggestions on how we can handle this predicament?
The Texan: Boy howdy, George, I can see that your life ain’t so wonderful right now. We don’t have many of those feminine men here in Fort Worth, Texas, they all stay in Dallas and Austin. Down here, men are real men. We wear manly footwear, Stetson hats, and Wrangler jeans from Cavender’s. If your son took a stroll in the Stock Yard district, he wouldn’t last five minutes before some cowboy put a large can of whoop-ass on him. Your daughter Zuzu sounds like a keeper. Let her handle her brother; a few more butt-whippings might do him good. There’s something about getting your butt kicked by a girl that gets the old male hormones going. I’m sending him a CD of George Strait’s greatest hits, a pair of Justin cowboy boots, some Wrangler jeans, and a box of Cherry Bombs so Zuzu can blow up all his girly stuff. Tell Clarence howdy for me, and stay away from bridges.
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Notes From The Cactus Patch 
Billy might as well go by Bambi. In the Disney film, Bambi is a buck, not a doe, but for humans it’s a woman’s name. As for Zuzu, that reminds me of the French word “zizi,” which (using the internet’s woding) “is a colloquial term for the male sex organ.”
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Just the laugh I needed this morning!
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Good advice, Mr. Texan. I’d also advise pulling their son out of that New York City college and enrolling him in Hillsdale. 🙂
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Perfect college for a confused young man. I had a cousin like that, way ahead of his time.
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A friend blogs from Arizona; he calls himself The Lone Cactus. He’s kind of like the Lone Ranger, without the Indian. He recently mentioned all the hoopla about the Epstein thing. He made a few points, and by now you know how it’s nearly impossible for me just to read something and ignore it.
But in his article, he reminded me of my youth when housewives gathered in their backyards to hang up clothes to dry and, while doing that, gossiped about the neighborhood, community, church, or maybe even Bertha, who heads up the PTA. Women, we were told, did these things naturally. Women, after all, were women.
Men, on the other hand, went to work. They focused on their jobs because that’s what brought home the bacon. If Bob had a problem with Frank, the two men would confront each other and settle it, perhaps with a growled warning or fists. What they didn’t do was gossip about each other or other men. At a neighborhood bar, conversations usually involved work, complaints about the boss, maybe a war story, or a Polish joke.
That’s all changed now. Men have become the biggest gossipers in American society. Maybe it’s because women no longer hang laundry out to dry … I don’t know. The norm today is talking trash about other men on social media — like a bunch of mean girls in high school. Nothing manly like growling or throwing fists. In 1950, men didn’t care if the president was having some side action. Now they’re happily spreading rumors and innuendos — and doing it anonymously. And they’re wearing their polka-dot pajamas to work, even when they ride the bus where everyone can see them and laugh.
Times certainly have changed.
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Boy, how right you are. Seems men have embraced the feminist side and cry watching Hallmark movies. Good reply. My extended family was like that. Men duked it out, while the women did home chores and talked trash about the hussy down the street.
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And just the grin I needed this evening. Oh, for some common sense to come rolling in like a flood! George Bailey is America’s Everyman.
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Yes, he was, and still is, every Christmas season, in beautiful black and white.
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Zuzu for president! She is my kind of gal. Phil…I’m losing it here…laughing until I might cry…with those Cherry Bombs again.
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She grew up to become one tough cookie, and I think she married Clarence Odbody’s grandson.
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She can’t go wrong with anyone connected with Clarence.
You know the girl that played her? She just passed away in September.
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I didn’t know that, she was the last remaining cast member.
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Well Phil…I’m VERY happy to say I was wrong…or the trustworthy AI was WRONG…. Zuzu is alive and well at 85 years old. Her name is Karolyn Grimes
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That’s good to know. I liked Zuzu and her petals. Jimmy Stewart, what an American icon. I watch that movie every year at Christmas and cry like a toddler that had lost his bippy.
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yes, it’s strange and discomforting when this happens; a close friend’s married son with two kids has now announced he is a she ! it upturns one’s world —
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Oh my, now that’s a shocker. Makes you wonder what brought that on? Bruce Jenner did it, so I guess now folks think it’s acceptable. Bruce/Katlin, still has his package so he’s not completely serious as he pretends to be.
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that’s a good question; I will ask —
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