Sometimes Questionable And Often Brilliant Advice For Folks That Want To Be A Texan, But Can’t Afford To Get Here
This Texan received a dispatch from a Mr. Hardy Wood Guthrie of Okemah, Oklahoma, written on the back of a Walmart sales receipt. It seems his wife, Little White Dove, is dead set on going to Minneapolis to join in all the fun the protestors are having.
Mr. Guthrie: Mr. Texan, please excuse my bad manners for writing on a Walmart receipt. Just so you know, my wife bought all that useless stuff, except for the Chili Pork Rinds, which are my favorite snack, and of course the carton of Marlborough’s and the Natural Light Beer. Little White Dove, my Cherokee Indian wife, has lost her arrows. She’s watching the news and seeing all these protesters up in Minneapolis playing in the snow, throwing snowballs, and making snow angels with the help of those nice ICE boys. Now they’ve taken over Target Stores and are getting all that free stuff plus $200 a day for protesting. She’s real fond of that Pioneer Woman stuff and is hoping to get a new set of cookware and a bathrobe for free. I told her it’s about to get really serious because the Army boys are coming to town, but she got really smartie-pants with me and said, “I’ll do what I want to, this land is your land, this land is my land.” She said not to worry, she has a friend named Alice, and she has a restaurant where she can get anything she wants, over in Edina, where all the rich folks live. She is a big fan of that schmuck Garrison Keillor, Mister Handsy Man that lives over in Lake Wobegon, and is going to look him up and have a Lutefisk sandwich with him. She thinks it’s all a big party, sort of like Woodstock on ice, and won’t listen to me. I’m so frazzled, I’m thinking about writing a protest song about all this mess. Got any advice for me?
The Texan: Well, Mr. Guthrie, sounds like Little White Dove needs a visit from the medicine man. I have a little experience with protest and such, as I went to the University of Texas in Austin, with all those hippie folks, and most of them are still there, riding around on their handicap scooters and smacking visitors with their walking canes. Back then, they weren’t collecting a paycheck for protesting, rioting, and burning things up; they got hopped up on those funny cigarettes and just did it for the fun of it. Not trying to name drop here, but I also spent some time with old Bob Dylan and his squeeze, Joan B. I think Bob is a poet and didn’t know it. and you can tell Little White Dove to be careful, because after all, the times, they are a-changing. I’m sending her a nice bouquet of big sunflowers to stick in the barrels of those Army boys’ guns, a Garrison Keillor VHS tape of Prairie Home Companion, and you a box of cherry bombs to relieve your anxiety. I’ll be watching the news to see how she does.
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(1) FYI: Alice doesn’t live in the restaurant; she lives in the church nearby the restaurant, in the belltower, with her husband Ray and Fasha the dog. And living in the belltower like that, they got a lot of room downstairs where the pews used to be in, an’ having all that room, seeing as how they took out all the pews, they decided that they didn’t have to take out their garbage for a long time.
(2) Little White Dove is petite, so she only drinks a mini soda.
(3) Bob Dylan is no relation to Matt Dillon. But if the marshall ever showed up on the poet’s doorstep, I think Bob would welcome Matt.
(4) My cowboy friend (an old desperado who goes by Jeepo Grande but fancies himself a young Casanova) assures me that small Cherokee women are an easy target.
(5) From Hardy Wood’s perspective, all that free stuff in Minneapolis is the cherry bomb on the cake.
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L.E., I used to have that album, and probably loaned it to a buddy and it never came back. Wonder what the menu was? Little White Dove is the girlfriend of Running Bear and he swam across the river and drown. Yeah, my grandmother was a full Cherokee and her and my mother were quite petite La Fromage. She could handle a hatchet and a rifle real handedly. I figure Target will shut down for a few days for theft inventory.
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Maybe Little White Dove ate too much lutfisk that didn’t have the lye soaked out of it. She can detox by engorging herself with Whataburgers. 🙂
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Nancy, I have tried to eat that fish dish when I lived in MN, and I had to spit out the first bite. Awful. Like Saint Wille Nelson says, ” eat two Whataburgers, say a prayer and all will be ok.” A wise old codger. Running Bear, loved little White Dove, I’m betting you remember that song from the 50s?
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You do such a great job of incorporating familiar personalities and entertainment in your “Ask a Texan” column, Phil! It’s always a fun read because of this.
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Thanks, Terry. There’s a lot of musicians, authors, novels and TV shows to dig into. Glad you like it.
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Here’s to peace, love and understanding.
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Probably Little White Dove won’t be able to take the cold and all that snow up there anyway, and high-tail it home.
The Whataburgers made me remember, for some reason, the article on Dubai Chocolate. I saw some in our discount store the other day and read the ingredients. Gross. I was about to gag. All that money out there and they put seed oils in the filling, instead of butter? Cheapskates.
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Those candies are awful. There are no Whataburgers in MN that I am aware of. I spent a year and half in Bloomington aback in the early 90s building restaurants in the Mall of America and I am certain I was the only sane person working in that mall. Little White Dove is not made for MN.
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