Advice For Non-Texan Husbands Who Are Hearing Impaired
This Texan received a letter from Mr. Bobby Joe Boudreaux from Chigger Bayou, Louisiana. Seems his wife is determined to go to New York City and work as a social worker for the new communist mayor, Mamdani.
Mr. Boudreaux: My wife of thirty years, Lolita Belle, says she is moving to New York City to work for that commie whack job, Mamdani. Since he is replacing the police force with social workers who will talk to the criminals instead of arresting them. Lolita Belle is a world champion talker. She starts in around 7 am and goes until after bedtime. She even talks in her sleep, so I have to wear earplugs or turn my hearing aids off. She’s worn our four iPhones in the last year, talking to her relatives over in Shreveport. She stops folks in the grocery store and starts telling them about the nutritional values of the food they are buying. The poor folks are cornered and can’t escape. Our preacher at the Chigger Bayou Fourth Baptist let her lead communion one Sunday, and she got carried away, talking for an hour about why the church should be using real wine and Ritz crackers instead of Welch’s grape juice and crunchy bread. Now the church won’t let us in the door. She got stopped by a policeman for speeding, and she gave the poor cop a thirty-minute explanation on speed limits and why his uniform didn’t fit properly, and he needed to get his teeth whitened. The poor policeman finally gave her twenty dollars just to stop, and he got on his motorcycle and took off. She thinks if she can talk a policeman out of a ticket, then she can speak a criminal into being a good guy, just like that socialist street rat, Mamadami, who isn’t even an American, thinks will work. She read that all his new staff will be women, so she can have some sisters to talk to. I need some help down here.
The Texan: I hear your pain. ( pun intended ). Some folks are born with a genetic predisposition to constantly orate. My late, late, late, aunt, Beulah, from Santa Anna, Texas, ran off three husbands and at least a dozen dogs and cats for the same reason. When her priest was giving her the last rites before she passed away, she wouldn’t stop telling him what to say, so he just left. Short of using a shock collar like folks do with those noisy Beagles, I would let her go on up to New York and work for that commie pinko rat. If she can talk a cop out of a ticket, the poor criminal will probably give up and beg to be arrested just to shut her up. I’m sending her a CD language course on how to talk like a New Yorker, and to help a brother out, I’ll cover the cost of the airfare. I’m also sending you a box of Cherry Bombs to help relieve your anxiety. There’s nothing like blowing up Fire Ant mounds to calm a man down. Keep in touch.
Discover more from Notes From The Cactus Patch
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Notes From The Cactus Patch 
Oh man! The Rotten Big Apple!
LikeLike
Wonder what the tree at Rockefeller Center will look like this year? little terrorist shaped ornaments and free EBT cards hanging from the branches? I don’t see myself ever visiting there again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s a damn shame. We’re 30 min away and won’t go. What a freak show NYC has turned into and it’s just getting started.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My wife’s niece lives in an apartment building in downtown, somewhere in that mess. She is officially afraid and wants to move back to Florida or to Canada where her brother lives. You’re right, it’s going to be a S…Show. I guess if you wore a jilbab, you might be safe.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Regarding your earlier comment about the Christmas tree in Rock Center, my response should have been “What tree?”
LikeLike
Well, some family in up state donated their tree that had been growing for decades. I believe they did it before the election. I doubt there will be one next year.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly my thinking. Too late to do anything about it this year; besides, Mamdani won’t be in office until Jan 1. I hope the tree lighting doesn’t become a thing of the past; it’s been one of my son’s TelePrompting gigs since 2007 when Tony Bennett was performing!
LikeLike
If you take the name Mamdani, turn the letter i upside-down so that it becomes an exclamation mark, then create an anagram, you get: MADMAN! Of course, if you want to suck up to the new mayor, you can call him Jihadi Mamdani. He would take that as a compliment.
LikeLike
Man, you are so right. New York is screwed and doesn’t know it yet. We have family that live in the city and they are looking at getting out.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Listen, The Texan, you should also apply for a social worker position in NYC. You’re an expert in mental health and social issues. You’re more than capable of ridding crime from NYC streets and subways. Just don’t forget to bring a truckload or two of those cherry bombs. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nancy, you make an excellent point. I always travel with a box or two of Cherry Bombs. Either to use in self defense, or as gifts.
LikeLiked by 2 people
This is hilarious. Thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
Welcome.
LikeLike
I do believe the ACLU would consider her “Cruel and unusual punishment.”
LikeLike
I think you would be right about that one.
LikeLike
All this time, all these years, I thought Chigger Bayou had only 1st, 2nd, & 3rd Baptist Churches.
This was hilarious. 😂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well, evidently, my sources were wrong, there is a fourth and coming soon is a fifth, but its outside the city limits. Glad you god a laugh from it.
LikeLike
This New Yorker is relocating to the great state in two weeks. We didn’t know how much worse things would become when we started building a TX home months ago, but what timing to leave!
When the TX insurance agent quoted me our price I said, “that’s every six months, right?” Nope! We purchased significantly more homeowners insurance and got the car insurance started and both were half of what we pay up here.
LikeLike
That is wonderful for both of you. Welcome to Texas, and yep it’s a lot cheaper to live here than anywhere in this country.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. Our daughter has been there since 2021 so I’ve spent considerable time discovering how vast and diverse the state is. I’m looking forward to the lower cost of most everything!
LikeLike
Winters are mild, but our summers will test your resolve. My wife and I live in Granbury, 40 miles southwest of Fort Worth. Its the start of the Texas Hill Country and voted the best small historic town in America for many years. We moved from Dallas to Georgetown and then to here because Momo was a Cath Lab nurse. You will enjoy Texas, don’t forget to visit San Antonio and see the Alamo, and the stock yard district in Fort Worth.
LikeLiked by 1 person
We’ve been to the Alamo and the Stockyards/Rodeo but not San Antonio yet. Thank you kindly for the message and info. I’m definitely not a fan of the heat so the A/C will be my best friend during summer!
LikeLike
Maybe the Louisiana guy’s wife will find Mandami, in her fervor to support him, and talk him out of office? And, pardon the unitiated innocent, but what exactly is a cherry bomb?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Perhaps she could do that, and it would be much appreciated. A cherry bomb is a small round firecracker, usually painted red and with a long fuse. It was popular back in the 1950s and was the most powerful firework made. Us kids loved them. They would blow up most anything: mailboxes, car fenders, ant mounds, cans, you name it, they were powerful. They outlawed them in the 1960s but I still have some that were squirreled away in a box.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe they are still around in NH; my mailbox got blown up once.
LikeLike
There is one now called an M-80, and that’s probably what it was. I haven’t touched a firework in many years, but us kids were fearless around them. I wrote a few stories about my childhood that included the use of Cherry Bombs as weaponry.
LikeLiked by 1 person