Sunday Scattershooting In The Cactus Patch


Is it just me, or nowadays, does every man with a protruding gut look pregnant? Yesterday at Walmart, the place resembled a maternity ward. One guy’s water broke and soiled the floor, but then I realized he had pissed himself after the checker tabulated his basket of groceries.

Why are the Kardashians and Johnny Depp still in the news? A family of sluttish women with surgically enhanced butts has caused mental health issues for millions of young girls because they young’un’s think that everyone should live and look like the Kardashian clan, and they can’t. And to further the cause, we have a Mansonesque “man bun” wearing lunatic and his equally deranged ex-wife receiving more news coverage than the Durham investigation, which would make an excellent thirty-minute sitcom. Follow the formula of the old “Roseann” show, and it would be a sure-fire hit.

Our government gives Ukraine a 40 Billion dollar check without knowing ‘what it will be used for, or who will distribute the money.’ On the same day, the morons in Washington voted against a 43 Billion dollar package that would give relief to our American small business owners that have been ruined by Biden’s economy. You can bet that Hunter and The Big Guy will be receiving some of that Ukraine money.

Brings to mind Charlton Heston in the classic movie, The Planet of The Apes. ” It’s a madhouse,” he screams as the laughing chimps poke him with sticks. So, likewise, I’m plumb worn out of being prodded.

More Wise-Ass News from the Cactus Patch


Old fart and extreme liberal has-been actor James Cromwell, best known for his role in the heartwarming farm movie “Babe,” has superglued himself to the serving counter at his favorite Starbucks. His reason for this stunt is to protest the cost and treatment of plants to obtain their vegan plant-based creamer.

“Power to the plants!”

” How dare they put those poor plants through the milking process, squeezing their poor little leaves while they scream in pain,” he yelled. There was no mention of what part of his body was glued, but let us hope it was his dried-up old bare ass. Also, most folks that saw the movie agreed the pig was a much better actor than Cromwell. “That’ll do, Pig.”

Mentally deficient Pelosi and her gang of diaper-wearing Grey Goose guzzling outlaws have passed a bill to send an additional 40 Billion dollars of our money to Ukraine. Hunter Biden will personally deliver the bag of cash. Also, attached to the bill written on a post-it-note, they approved a 21 percent pay raise for congressional staffers. These are the little shits that do nothing but run errands for our elite politicians.

” Oh Spalding my good boy, could you run to the liquor store and buy me a single malt 100 year-old case of scotch?”

Millions of illegal Mexicans are invading our country, bankrupting our social services and healthcare system while getting everything they could imagine for free. Our streets in liberal-run cities are full of homeless, drug-addicted people, many of them veterans and families. Throw away souls living in tents and crapping on our sidewalks. The US citizens get the shaft, the illegal river-wading criminals get the payday, and Ukraine gets 40 Billion in party-hearty money. Hunter will make sure there is 10 percent for the “Big Guy.”

” Don’t forget my ten percent. Is that Old Spice you’re wearing?”

We have a baby formula shortage because it’s being shipped to the south American countries instead of our supermarkets. So I look for the Cartels to start smuggling Similac instead of Fentanyl.

” What the Hell! Where is my Similac?”

Since the Biden administration agrees that it’s acceptable to publish the addresses of our Supreme Court judges so they can be harassed and threatened, how about old Mitch McConnell or one of his staffers, publish the addresses of all the Democratic leaders starting with Pelosi and Schumer. Let’s see how many young conservatives show up at their homes. Of course, our Republican leaders are too spineless for such chicanery; a bunch of pussies.

” Is 2022 the New 1939 ?”


Adolf Putin

Just when we thought the world (except the middle east) had reached a civilized status, Russia’s “Thug For Life,” Putin, pulls a full-blown Hitler and invades the sovereign nation of Ukraine. So, in many ways, Europe in 2022 looks much like it did in 1939.

Biden stands behind his podium, stares at the camera with his best beady-eyed squint, and tells his countrymen that his sanctions will make Putin pay dearly. Yep, he continues to buy oil from Russia instead of opening a few pipelines in America. How about them sanctions, Joe? No more Wisconsin cheese and Napa wine for old Pooty Poot.

“Ras-Putin The Crazed” sits in his golden chair and tells the world if we interfere with his plans, we will “suffer his wrath like the world has never seen before.” Putin means business. Why? Because the man has an Xbox controller tied into thousands of Nukes and has lost his shit, and no one in Russia has the balls to lock him in the basement. That steely-eyed look on Biden’s face was likely caused by a massive Mexican food poopy diaper or Kamala crouching under the podium adjusting his catheter.

Where in the world is NATO? Half of those countries, over decades, have experienced the Communist boot on their throat. One can imagine they are sitting in front of their televisions texting each other, “Whew..glad it’s them and not us.” Another coterie of gutless men. Ukraine is going down in flames, and the only thing missing is the internment camps and boxcars.

Those dearly beloved hearts in Hollywood are pitching in and doing their part; haven’t they always been there for the world in times of crisis? They send Sean Penn, “the has-been third rate actor,” to Ukraine. He’s going to have a meaningful conversation with Putin, if he can get to Moscow, alive. They should have sent Denzel Washington; at least he would take a few dozen Commies with him as he went down. Old Dirty Harry himself, Clint Eastwood, is sitting on his patio, polishing his 44 Magnum and mumbling, ” let me at the Putin pussy prick, I’ll kick his Russki ass.” Yep, I believe Clint would.

All kidding and smart-assed comments aside, we need to pray that Ukraine and its good people survive this onslaught of evil. I can’t put the finger on precisely what we citizens can do, but someone needs to grab his crotch, tap the dirt off of the spikes and step up to the plate.

%d bloggers like this: