Making The Best Of A “Bud Situation”

Mrs MoMo was driving me to Fort Worth a few days ago for some reason I can’t remember now. When passing through Whiskey Flats, a small strip of Liquor stores along Highway 377, I saw my old buddy Mooch loading his pickup with cases of beer. He and a young man were rolling out cases of hooch from the liquor store called “The Beer Church.”

I implored MoMo to turn around and take me back to the “Beer Church.” She spun her mighty white Honda around, and we did a Dukes of Hazzard side-slide into the gravel parking lot. As I approached Mooch, I could see that his pickup bed was full of cases of Bud Light with that transgender mutt on the can.

I asked Mooch why he was buying that beer and did he understand that he was about to lose all his buddies in his “Plowboys” militia, and me, to boot.

He hung his head, shuffled his feet a few times, and said, ” I couldn’t help it, lil buddy, they are selling me this Fairy Piss for two bucks a case just to get it out of their store, but I have a plan. First, I will put on real dark sun-glasses so I can’t see the can too good, then I will spray all the cans with black paint, then put them in some cardboard Home Depot moving boxes and stack them in my garage. No one will know it’s a Busch beer. Then, I will take my Lone Star long necks and a funnel, mix the two beers together, put a new cap on the bottle, and store them in my ice-box in the garage. Since Lone Star is a real mans Texas beer, it won’t be Bud Light Fairy Piss anymore; it’ll be one of those new Texas crafty beers. Then it’s safe to drink it without the risk becoming a transgender mutt or getting my ass kicked, and I’m saving a butt-load of money.”

I must admit, there was nothing wrong with his plan. Sound reasoning and economics and it will probably be a drinkable craft beer.

As MoMo pulled our car out of the lot, I told her, ” Mooch is bringing me a few cases of Lone Star Craft Beer on Saturday.”

10 Replies to “Making The Best Of A “Bud Situation””

  1. I hate to be the one to bring you this information (although, I would have thought that you, of all people, could quote paragraph and verse of the Texas Statutes), but anyone mixing foreign beer with Lone Star commits a felony, which upon conviction, subjects that law-breaking cuss to 30 years in prison, a fine of $5.00, and the loss of his self-respect. I’m just sorry I had to be the one to bring it to your attention. And I hope MoMo learned her lesson about turning around whenever you get a whim.

    What a sad, sad day this has turned into. And when you find yourself spending an inordinate amount of time in the Wal-Mart cosmetic aisle, you’ll know why.


  2. Bud Lite and in fact all Bud beer is only good for washing out the sink. If you want a real beer, drink Brewmeister’s Snake Venom Ale — 67% alcohol — Bud Light’s 4% is a rank insult to any red blooded liver.


  3. Never. ever a Bud fan. Not even when beer was all there was to drink. Okay, maybe a double IPA so cold ice forms in the mug when you pour it from the bottle. But I will Never, ever again in my life drink any Budweiser piss. Not a violent man I will take to opportunity, seeing a biker or PBA bowler swilling any libation from the land of Clydsdales , I will take the opportunity to quiz them on their choice of beverage. Not for lack of taste but for pure evil intent of their management faeries.


    1. One of my good and best frinds was a Bud Lite drinker. I spoke with him yesterday and he said he put all he had in his garage fridge in the trash, and now drinks Shiner Bock, which is a good and true Texas beer. Bless his heart. I like Hoffbrau German beer or Shiner, or Lone Star, but mainly Irish Whiskey and good Bourbon.


  4. Since I discovered that all beer is just watery liquor, and that brown liquor is just clear liquor left to sit in an old burned-out barrel, I only drink clear liquor. If my friends want bourbon, I drop a burnt match in their glass. If they want Bud Lite…who am I kidding? No one I know wants Bud Lite. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

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