Posted on by Phil Strawn

Christmas Tuneage, Demanding Birds, and Deer Zombies


I ran into old buddy Mooch at H.E.B. on Christmas Eve. I stopped by to pick up a few things Momo forgot: Eggnog, Milk, Cedar Fever Elixer, and more birdseed. Our Avian friends have been a demanding lot as of late since the flock of Crows moved in. They sit on the fence and Caww-Caaww until I load the flat feeder with peanuts, their favorite. The poor Cardinals and the Dove have to wait until the big boys leave. The Crows like shiny trinkets, so I left a quarter in one flat feeder and a Crow took it. The next day, there was a dime in the feeder. I have no idea what the Crow spent the other fifteen cents on.

After fighting off the food sample ladies, I spotted Mooch staggering around in the frozen food aisle with a hand-carry basket full of Red Baron pizzas, his favorite. I eased up beside him and wished him a Merry Christmas, but no response. I tapped his shoulder, but no acknowledgment. I stepped in front of him and gave him a friendly stare, glazed eyes, and a stream of slobber on his chin. In desperation, I shook his shoulders, and he snapped back into the moment.

” Sorry old buddy, I’ve been drifting in and out of it for a few days,” he says.

I am worried, so I ask, ” Don’t you think a visit to Doc Bones is in order, I thought you might have stroked out on me pal?”

” He was apologetic and explained, ” Nawww…I went Deer hunting last week and shot me a big ole Buckster. We ate some Deer chicken fry steak yesterday, and now I think I’ve got the Deer Zombie disease. Mrs. Mooch is convinced I’m a Deer Zombie but without the ten-point rack of horns.”

Momo requested some Christmas music this morning so I dug around in my vinyl stash looking for my Elvis Christmas album; I couldn’t find it… must have given it away. I did run across a Perry Como and a Sing Along With Mitch Christmas, but I couldn’t bring myself to spin them, and I have no idea why they are in my collection. I streamed some Vince Guaraldi Charlie Brown Christmas tunes, which did the trick.

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10 Replies to “Christmas Tuneage, Demanding Birds, and Deer Zombies”

  1. Vince does (did) more than Charlie Brown. If you jazz, look for more of his work. Or – tube him to see if you like other offerings. Regarding diseases (multiple) affecting the deer everywhere, it’s our collective fault. We determined it cruel to hunt Bambi (ever see a starving deer due to hard winter and overpopulation?) felt obliged to destroy their other natural predators; now we harvest more venison with automobiles than rifles. I feel for Mooch. ZSometimes I feel like Mooch. Only cure for Headlight Stare is Bulleit – suggest 2 oz three times half an hour apart starting at 5pm. Do Mooch a favor, track him down and get him to the Local Dispensary to stock up. Usual laugh and think read, Bub; good show.

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  3. I love crows! Your crow friend apparently accepted your gift and gave you one in return. Surely he gave the quarter to another generous giver of peanuts. The Christmas albums of Andrea Bocelli, Josh Groban, and Alvin in the Chipmunks would be good ear candy for Momo. 🙂

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  4. (1) I’ve never understood why the Romans wished ill upon their slave galley rowers: “Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!”
    (2) I heard that in the horror sequel to “Bambi,” the young deer’s father comes back as a zombie. Disney is just sick! Sick, I tell ya!
    (3) Those food sample ladies wanted you to have a taste of Soylent Green. With a bit of Tabasco sauce, it’s delicious–and nutritious, too! Plus, green and red are traditional holiday colors. Next time, ask the food sample ladies for an extra serving!
    (4) Crows like peanuts and shiny trinkets. Unlike politicians who like to gobble up taxpayer money but leave the rest of us to live on peanuts.

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