I was shopping in H.E.B. grocery a few days back and ran into my old pal, Mooch. I was cruising over to the wine department via the frozen pizza aisle, Mooch’s favorite cuisine. There he was, pushing a basket full of Paul Newmans and Red Barron pies. The other half of the basket was full of Mountain Dew, Little Debbie snacks, and the family-size container of Metamucil.
I didn’t recognize him right off, the face seemed the same, the overalls, the black tee-shirt, and the white Rockports, but something was severely amiss. Then it hit me; Mooch had a mullet haircut. He looked like the grandfather of Joe Dirt. Where did all of this hair come from? Mooch has the condition that most men his age suffer from; thinning to no hair. I gotta admit, he looked pretty darn redneck, but in a cool way. His hair on top and the sides was stylish and curly, but the back flowed past his shoulders, giving a little flippy doo thing at the end. He looked like a shampoo ad.
” How ya like the haircut buddy” was the first thing out of his mouth. The only thing I could reply was ” you look like Joe Dirt, in that movie about the moron that drives a Dodge Hemi.”
” Yep, that’s me, little buddy,” he says. “Got a 1970 Charger out there in the parking lot. The bitch has a full-blown 440 Hemi, positive traction rear end, cheater slicks, Goodyear Red line tires, glass-pack mufflers, and a Hurst four speed stick shift with a skull shift knob; got a big box of 8-track tapes sitting in the back seat for tuneage. I got her up to 140 mph yesterday on the Chisolm Parkway over in Fort Worth. A fuzz tried to catch me but gave up.”
I wished him luck in his new lifestyle and continued on with my shopping. He exited the store in front of me and I watched him as he loaded his booty into the trunk of his bright red Dodge Hemi. As he bent over, his mullet wig fell off. He put it back on and burned rubber as he exited the parking lot.
The good old 70s. I don’t miss them as I got into my 2008 Honda CRV.
Notes From The Cactus Patch 
At least the Van Dyke didn’t fall off.How did he come to be called Mooch? Is he always begging for stuff, or taking it, without paying?
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Borrowing and not returning, and the name suited him well.
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But don’t you miss (ka-chunk) eight-trac(ka-chunk)k tapes?
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I had long hair last year. It was my own small way of protesting against our government. I didn’t have the guts to wear a mullet, and besides, I can’t afford a classic Dodge Hemi.
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Gave me a flash back to my dad’s 1972 Charger. No Hemi, just the standard 318 but, it did come with a race car transmission. It was one of the last to roll out of the factory for its time and wound up with distinct pieces & parts. Instead of the usual column shift, it wound up with a T-Bar slap shift and a landau vinyl top, plus the wires & cotter pins on the hood. My dad never had a mullet…but, I did. It was very fashionable in the early 80s to have really short hair in the front and long hair, permed, in the back. My senior drape picture is a really cute girly mullet. Our football players started out with mullets then, transitioned to mohawks. Cooler in the helmets, I understand…
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I’m cursed with not one but two “Mooches.” No Mullet but full-blown Mooches.
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May the good Lord lend you two hands to deal with them. My buddy Mooch, is based on a real breathing friend and another one that is boarding on worthless. Did you not hear? the Mullet is back. Men, kids and even women are wearing them again. Next, Dodge will be bringing back a retro-looking Charger with a full blown 440. Thanks for the comment, and I like your stories on your blog.
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Solid compliment coming from a real writer. Catch up with you later. Busy peeing on parades right now.
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Save a bit for the good one coming in Washington in a few weeks. FBI, DOJ, and rats running for the ropes trying to make it to the dock before the vessel sinks at the port.
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