Questionable advice for folks with no wisdom.

This Texan received a letter written on part of an old Safeway grocery bag ( I thought Safeway was out of business). A Mr. Tater Bhugg from Who Dunnit, Oklahoma says this about his wife of 50 years.

Mr. Bhugg: Mr. Texan, I read your advice column in the back of the Feed and Seed Guide at Tractor Supply a few weeks back, so I thought you might have some good down-home advice for me, since our states are neighbors and all.

My wife, Lillian Lenora, thinks I stink. I am a rancher and farmer, so I’m around cows, horses, pigs, sheep, and crops all day, shoveling out stalls and other manly things. I’m getting on up there in age, and she thinks we should go out to supper more. We only have two restaurants in town, and they both compete with each other’s chicken-fried steaks, so there ain’t much to choose from, so I said, okay, I’ll give it a shot. I got all dressed up in my Cavender’s jeans and shirt and slathered myself in Old Spice, and she had a competition fit. ” I ain’t going out with anyone that smells like my grandpappy.” So I said, “Well, honey bunch, he’s been dead for about thirty years, and that’s about how old this Old Spice is, so how do you know he don’t still smell like this?” Well, that did it. We went to the Walmart, and she squirted me with all these men’s perfumes. ” Bun Boy,” ” Mr. Hollywood,” Hipsters Night Out,” ” Slut Candy,”… crazy shit like that. I put on some Burma-Shave, and she about passed out. Lillian knows I can’t taste or smell nothing since I had COVID 12 times. I drink Natural Light Beer and eat Purina Kibbles instead of peanuts; I can’t tell the difference; everything tastes like cardboard. So now she’s going around the house singing that Tammy Wynette song about divorce and all that, and I guess I still stink like a rancher. I called our son, Tater Junior, and he said, “Dad, just put the least offensive crap on and suffer through it; you can take a shower when you get home.” So I chose “Slut Candy” because Lillian Lenora says it smells sorta like bubble gum and well-used back-seat upholstery. Well, now Lillian Lenora is wearing these tight leggings and wearing a lot of face makeup, and believe me, she shouldn’t be wearing those skin-tight legging things; her butts as big as a John Deere Tractor. She lost her looks about twenty years ago, and so did I. I look more like the illegitimate son of a Sasquatch than an Okie. Any ideas on how to solve this mess I got myself into?

The Texan: Well, Tater, I’ve received some good letters over the years, but none about aftershave and manly perfume; the two don’t go together at all. Since you had COVID so many times and can’t smell or taste, I ask you to confront your wife about how many times a week she bathes. She may smell worse than you. Go ahead and try to please her as much as you can, but wearing a man’s aftershave called “Slut Candy”? I’m not sure I could do that, but my old Ford backseat smelled like sweaty bodies, so I know that scent. I’m sending you Dr. Faucci’s address so maybe he can send her some COVID pills so she can’t smell or taste anymore, and of course a box of Cherry Bombs, just to relieve the tension. Blowing up things does a lot for a man under duress. Keep in touch, The Texan.