Ask A Texan: My Wife Said I Stink!

Questionable advice for folks with no wisdom.

This Texan received a letter written on part of an old Safeway grocery bag ( I thought Safeway was out of business). A Mr. Tater Bhugg from Who Dunnit, Oklahoma says this about his wife of 50 years.

Mr. Bhugg: Mr. Texan, I read your advice column in the back of the Feed and Seed Guide at Tractor Supply a few weeks back, so I thought you might have some good down-home advice for me, since our states are neighbors and all.

My wife, Lillian Lenora, thinks I stink. I am a rancher and farmer, so I’m around cows, horses, pigs, sheep, and crops all day, shoveling out stalls and other manly things. I’m getting on up there in age, and she thinks we should go out to supper more. We only have two restaurants in town, and they both compete with each other’s chicken-fried steaks, so there ain’t much to choose from, so I said, okay, I’ll give it a shot. I got all dressed up in my Cavender’s jeans and shirt and slathered myself in Old Spice, and she had a competition fit. ” I ain’t going out with anyone that smells like my grandpappy.” So I said, “Well, honey bunch, he’s been dead for about thirty years, and that’s about how old this Old Spice is, so how do you know he don’t still smell like this?” Well, that did it. We went to the Walmart, and she squirted me with all these men’s perfumes. ” Bun Boy,” ” Mr. Hollywood,” Hipsters Night Out,” ” Slut Candy,”… crazy shit like that. I put on some Burma-Shave, and she about passed out. Lillian knows I can’t taste or smell nothing since I had COVID 12 times. I drink Natural Light Beer and eat Purina Kibbles instead of peanuts; I can’t tell the difference; everything tastes like cardboard. So now she’s going around the house singing that Tammy Wynette song about divorce and all that, and I guess I still stink like a rancher. I called our son, Tater Junior, and he said, “Dad, just put the least offensive crap on and suffer through it; you can take a shower when you get home.” So I chose “Slut Candy” because Lillian Lenora says it smells sorta like bubble gum and well-used back-seat upholstery. Well, now Lillian Lenora is wearing these tight leggings and wearing a lot of face makeup, and believe me, she shouldn’t be wearing those skin-tight legging things; her butts as big as a John Deere Tractor. She lost her looks about twenty years ago, and so did I. I look more like the illegitimate son of a Sasquatch than an Okie. Any ideas on how to solve this mess I got myself into?

The Texan: Well, Tater, I’ve received some good letters over the years, but none about aftershave and manly perfume; the two don’t go together at all. Since you had COVID so many times and can’t smell or taste, I ask you to confront your wife about how many times a week she bathes. She may smell worse than you. Go ahead and try to please her as much as you can, but wearing a man’s aftershave called “Slut Candy”? I’m not sure I could do that, but my old Ford backseat smelled like sweaty bodies, so I know that scent. I’m sending you Dr. Faucci’s address so maybe he can send her some COVID pills so she can’t smell or taste anymore, and of course a box of Cherry Bombs, just to relieve the tension. Blowing up things does a lot for a man under duress. Keep in touch, The Texan.

The Legend of Little Moses: A Texas Rancher’s Tall Tale

Little Moses of Texas with his herd of followers

My grandfather on the left and his friend Hymie Rothstein with his horse, Miss Golda.

Hymie Rothstein departed the “old country”—New York City—in 1910, driven by a fierce longing to carve out a life as a cattle rancher. Armed with a tidy sum of money, a gift from his father, he purchased 500 acres of ranch land between Weatherford and Mineral Wells, filling the vast plains of Texas with 500 head of Hereford cattle. In a nod to his roots, he named the ranch “The Flying Menorah,” a tribute to his mother’s enduring spirit.

His mother’s cousin in New York, a man of ambition and impeccable taste, owned a fine restaurant in Manhatten. He made an agreement with Hymie to provide kosher meat for his clientele that desired it. Hymie, not one for shouldering piety, found himself adrift in the ways of raising kosher cattle. He took his best shot, his only shot.

He instructed his hands to don traditional Yarmulkes and grow their beards long as if the mere outward appearance would somehow sanctify the herd. On Fridays, just before the onset of the Sabbath, he would wheel a wagon through the pastures, a local Rabbi perched in the back, chanting blessings over the cattle and the land itself. Hymie, in his complacency, assumed some transformative power in these rituals. However, the Rabbi was paid twenty-five dollars for his solemnity and kept his thoughts on the insufficiency of such blessings close to his vest. A buck is a buck.

It was then that Hymie, seeking to nurture and grow his herd, purchased a massive Hereford bull from a neighboring ranch. The rancher who sold the bull warned Hymie that the bovine suffered from a restless spirit and could not be contained by mere wire fences. The bull’s wildness seemed almost elemental; he broke through barbed wire as if it didn’t exist, suggesting desperation and freedom to roam. Hymie named the bovine “Little Moses.”

As December descended into winter, a blue Texas norther swept across the prarie, enveloping it in a foot of snow. It was two days before Hymie’s ranch hands could reach the cattle, and when they finally did, they found the herd had vanished into the vastness, leaving only a gaping break in the fence. “Little Moses,” with his insatiable desire to roam, had led the others away into the boundless prairie.

Worry filled the air as the cowboys scoured the land for trails, only to lose their way in the rugged hills. Frantic, Hymie called upon the local sheriff, JD Ramses, to put out an alert for the missing cattle—a flyer caricaturing a group of smiling cows decorated every telephone pole and storefront in town. The sheriff alerted law enforcement in the surrounding counties. The poster added a comic touch in desperate times. Reports trickled in from West Texas of a large number of cattle seen crossing Route 66 a week ago.

Hymie and his men doggedly pursued the herd, picking up cow tracks outside of Lubbock. Thirty-nine days had passed, and the exhausted cowboys were ready to return home. On the fortieth day, they stumbled upon their herd resting against the edge of Palo Duro Canyon. All seemed accounted for, save for their leader, “Little Moses.”

As twilight descended, one of the men caught sight of a ghost emerging from the canyon, a snow-white bull, trembling, stumbling, yet proud. “Little Moses” had returned, his dark coat transformed into a glaring white, his eyes a startling blue that shifted like lightning in a storm. The bull had witnessed a Biblical apparition, possibly a burning tumbleweed or a flame-engulfed Mesquite tree.

The beast settled near the campfire, surrounded by his loyal herd, which gathered to pay homage as if sensing the moment’s gravity. Hymie offered him bread and a few sips of kosher wine as a final kindness. “Little Moses” then lay down next to the campfire. Accepting the warmth and the final moment, he drew his last breath, exhaling a vapor cloud that floated upward into the chilled night.

The sky boomed with thunder, a sudden crack of lightning that could have startled any common cattle, yet no one moved. Instead, they stood, rapt in attention, staring upward as a celestial sound of trumpets pierced the night. From somewhere above, two heavenly Holstein Angel Cows, graced with beautiful white wings, descended, each adorned with a golden trumpet in their right hoove.

The angelic cows flanked “Little Moses,” and, in a transcendent moment, the trio ascended into the heavens, a journey not just for the bull but for every living soul that had wandered alongside him. The Cowboys were left gobsmacked.

The group of men, in stunned silence, sat by the campfire, finding solace in their whiskey, rolled cigarettes, and hardtack. Dialogue sputtered and finally ended: no one could explain the miraculous ascending of Little Moses. Hymie, being the most religious of the bunch, said, “If God takes us sinful cowboys to Heaven, why not a cow? “

As dawn painted the sky anew, the cowboys awoke to find a snow-white bull calf standing proud among the cows—fiery blue eyes that sparked with the promise of a bovineious legacy. This new leader, born from the mystique of the canyon, would guide the way back to the Flying Menorah, a symbol of continuity in a world that had brushed against the divine.