Negative PET Scan, Positive Outlook: Facing The Future With Humor

Momo and I met with my neurologist yesterday to find out the results of my PET scan from a few weeks ago. My regular doc thought that, since I failed my cognitive test so badly, I may have Alzheimer’s disease. Well, Dear Hearts, my neurologist was so pleased that he gave me a high-five. I was in the negative range, -195. My scan was better than his, and he admitted he has never seen anyone my age (almost 77) without any markers indicating future oldtimers. so he says, I will never get oldtimers, but, and that’s the key word. I could still be developing Dementia, and I do have excessive fluid buildup on the left side of my brain and will have that removed in about six months. That explains the falls, the goofy walk, forgetfulness, and a number of other things. He says he uses all Craftsman tools, and the surgery is guaranteed for life; that’s a relief. He said I could keep the fluid, and it looks really cool mixed in with the oil in those 1960s bubble lamps: we still have a few around here somewhere, just not sure where. He said to keep playing music every day; it stimulates the brain and helps you learn new things that old dogs shouldn’t be able to. My wife was so excited; she now wants her on a PET scan, but can it come with a little French Bulldog?

Momo and I joke around about our daily moments of forgetfulness, sometimes funny, often not. She forgets things; I forget more. I haven’t found my car key FOB in the fridge yet, but I did find it in the freezer. I told her the freezing temps preserve the battery life and help keep my leg cool.

Ask A Texan: The Summer of the Dog Days Is Upon Us

The Texan

Is It Really This Damn Hot In Texas, Or Did I Accidentally Set Myself On Fire With A Cherry Bomb?

I recently read that only two of the original members of The Grateful Dead are still breathing, which is a feat in itself considering all the drugs and other things they ingested, not that they remember any of it. Now, are they ‘truly grateful they are not dead quite yet?’ Old musicians are the biggest whiners. Springsteen is now a competent politician and is glad to tell you about his breakdown, when he isn’t trying to remember which chords to play on his out-of-tune Telecaster, which doesn’t say much for him, since there are no competent politicians and he is no musician. He can’t sing anymore, not that he ever could; hell, even Bob Dylan sounded better than him, and at least Joanie could harmonize with Bob, and The Band did all the heavy lifting.

I was outside for a short while yesterday and came back in with brown, crusted skin akin to homemade bread left in the oven a few minutes too long. It was 106 degrees in the shade, and 138 degrees in the sun. My hair is at least two shades whiter thanks to the sun bleaching. Momo believes I suffered a mini-sun-stroke, or something similar, but it’s actually early onset Dementia, or Oldtimers, and my neurosciencetist comedian doctor gave me some cute little pills to take care of it, says in two months I’ll be 25 percent better as long as I continue to play my instruments, which stimulate my brain and keep me focused on something other than sitting by the window and waiting for the postwoman to deliver the junk mail. I asked him if, if I upped the dose, I would be 50 percent better in four months. He has a nice laugh and drives a Tesla. Momo is a retired RN, so she knows he’s full of shit.

Now I sit in my music room, play my mandolin all day, and write nonsense on my computer. Soon, I will embark on my podcast adventure using my Garrison Keillor whisper voice combined with the folksiness of Walter Brennan talking to Pepito about driving the tractor through the living room of the farmhouse. Of course, being a Texan, you won’t be able to understand my accent, so I’ll attach a scrolling screen of the words I speak for those of you who don’t speak Southern. How in the hell did Terry Southern, Larry McMurtry, and Truman Capote ever make it through life with their Southern affliction? I believe Taylor Sheridan would appreciate my unique vocabulary in one of his many TV shows that are filmed around our town.

My buddy, Mooch, is turning 80 next month, and wants he and I to get together for one last songfest on our guitars. He can’t remember the lyrics, I can’t remember the chords, and neither of us can carry the heavy equipment, and our drummer is reduced to playing Ricky Ricardo bongos (without Lucy), so it is bound to be entertaining. We had our rock days back in the sixties, so it deserves one final suck on the oxygen tank and a geriatric version of Inna Gadda Da Vidda, Wagon Wheel, and Blackbird.

Catch you on down the road. The Texan